Vanessa’s Story: Just Another Notch In His Belt

7 years ago I was 19 and falling for a marine. We had been talking for a couple of weeks and trying to get to know each other or I thought I was. He seemed like a great guy, had me believing I really mean’t something to him. He was about to go away for the Marines he asked if I would come spend the night with him and I did. I had to lie to my family to do it, I should’ve known then that it was a bad idea from the start. But being 19 I thought I could handle myself and knew everything. To me having him show interest in me was amazing, I felt looked over a lot by guys especially and I thought I had hit the jackpot with him. I remember when we stopped at a gas station he bought me a cheap plastic rose, as I’m writing this I’m realizing that just may be the reason I can’t stand roses. We made our way back to where he lived, with his aunt and uncle. I remember walking in the door and the smell of cigarettes, pot and beer was so strong I knew then I should of left but for some reason it was like I didn’t know how to even bring it up. He ended up offering me pot but I was at least smart enough not to take drugs from him. They all set around and smoked pot and drank but he never got drunk or high, he knew what he was doing. After his aunt and uncle went to bed we stayed up and watched House of 1000 corpses, till this day I can’t stand anything Rob Zombie I don’t want to even see it. If you don’t want to know details this is where you should stop reading. We went into his room, I still remember every detail. His bed set on the floor, he had a black light and shroom posters on his walls that glowed. I don’t remember how I ended up in his bed, I do remember him grabbing my hair and making me give him oral, him throwing me back on the bed. He went to pull my pants and down I grabbed them and told him I have a tampon in and went to get up. He just kept pulling my pants down and didn’t care. He raped me, I just laid there in shock I guess all I knew was that I didn’t know what to do. He finishes and tells me I need to practice and then just gets in bed and acts like nothing happened. I laid there all night awake just waiting for daylight. When I got home I showered and just got every bit of everything off me, I never told anyone till I got with my husband. I was terrified to say anything, why would anyone believe me I went there on my own, I never left, I never actually said the word no. I blamed myself, why was I so dumb. Awhile back he got in touch with me, he would always message me when he wasn’t seeing anyone. I told him to leave me alone I didn’t want anything to do with him and they reason why I didn’t. He then tells his version about how I was high on acid out of my mind and I had consensual sex with him and when I started bleeding he said I freaked, he said blood was all over me. I then lost it I just told him how he made me feel and all nightmares and how I treated my husband in the beginning because of it. He then breaks down and apologizes and admitted to it. I kept all the messages just in case he ever decided to lie again. I’ve felt like sharing this for awhile now but didn’t know how. I have been so scared because of his lies and the fact that society looks at survivors as broken individuals. I also don’t want peoples pity.
He hasn’t damaged me.
He hasn’t silenced me.
He hasn’t defined me.
He hasn’t broke me.
He no longer can control me.