Another College Student’s Story

I’m 19 years old and in college. My story isn’t terrible, just another drunk college girl. I haven’t told anyone because I’m afraid they’ll just roll their eyes and tell me I’m blowing it out of proportion, but I needed to talk or share this somehow without anyone knowing who I was. So here goes nothing.
I was at a party at my friends place which I went to quite often. It was nearing the end and I was completely wasted, in and out of it but I still remember the main points.

I was playing beer pong with this guy and when it ended my “friend” came up to me and said the guy you are playing against wants to f*** you. You should go home with him. I told them I didn’t want to but my friend insisted. I said no again. The guy came up to me and asked me for my number and stupid drunk me gave it to him. He texted me asking me to walk him home and I didn’t respond.

My friend and his girlfriend came up to me telling me to go home with him. I decided to go, but before I left I told him that I was on my period and I didn’t want to do anything. And he said oh no I was just thinking we would chill and smoke some. I don’t remember why but as we were walking out he had me walk fast and my other friends were calling out to me somewhere but he told me to keep quiet and go with him.

We eventually got back to his place (I don’t remember the walk) and it was one of those cheap apartments that was kind of dirty. He smoked and I didn’t. He put in a movie and before I know it his making out with me. I let him. Kissing is no big deal, right? He then starts to thrust on me and I can feel his hardness. He thenstarts taking off my clothes. I tell him no, I’m on my period, but he doesn’t stop. He pulls out my tampon and then he enters me. He slapped me around and choked me. I didn’t do anything. Afterwards I ended up falling asleep and I wake up to him on top of me and before I know it he’s inside me again and this time without a condom. I told him no again especially since he didn’t have one.

He drove me back and I felt sick to my stomach. My friends asked me about it and I said yeah it was great, he was real good. I didn’t think they’d believe me so I lied. I think I was also trying to convince myself that it was fine.

Winter break happened and he texted me a couple of times but I didn’t respond. I got back to school and he texted me more and I told my friend and she told me to go hook up with him and I said maybe.

This part is messed up because of me. One night he called me and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I was really drunk again and I ended up meeting him. We went back to his place and he was about to have sex and I said not without a condom but he did anyways.

The next morning I wake up to the sound of him puking. I took in my surroundings and was so disgusted. He was just a gross guy, puking, in a gross apartment. I get so sick to my stomach saying what have I done, why did I do this to myself?

He drove me home. I took a shower and I felt like I just couldn’t get him off of me no matter how much I washed myself. I wanted to puke. I ended up getting plan b since he didn’t use a condom. It’s one thing to get pregnant but I don’t know how I could live knowing I was carrying his baby.

He has called me so many times and texted me so many times and I never responded, but he won’t stop. He usually texts me when I’m drunk and every time I see it I feel like I need to puke and my heart stops and stomach drops when I see it. Twice now I ended up crying when I saw his name because I couldn’t handle knowing what I did. Since then I’ve turned to alcohol I think and get drunk, crave the alcohol and need it to help me forget my problems because I’m only happy and carefree when I’m drunk.

It’s especially hard since I’ve had a past of depression, self harm, and an eating disorder. It’s all getting worse again.

I still don’t know if this is rape and I don’t know maybe I’m a girl crying wolf and I’m sorry if this is what it seems like. But I let it happen and even went with it a second time. And that kills me that I put myself in that situation again, like I wanted it. I asked for it I guess. But thank you for listening, I needed to get this off my chest.