I was staying after school with my ex in 9th grade. We had only been dating for a week but a couple months prior to the event he had molested me about 20 times when we stayed after school for a club. I had no idea how bad it was because before this I had never experienced anything this bad and barely knew what he was doing. I dated him because I downplayed what he did to me and thought it was my fault for being uncomfy. I didnt want to hang out with him the day he raped me but I didn’t know how to say no to him because he scared me. This was the only time we were ever 100% alone. He took me behind the stage in our school’s auditorium and started to kiss me. I was really nervous because I didn’t want to get caught but he didn’t care as much as I did. I was wearing a dress that came up right above my knees. When we were kissing, he lifted up my dress and started to put his hands into my panties. I kept swatting him away, telling him to stop and that I didn’t want him to do that. He kept repeating “trust me, I know what I’m doing” while trying to finger me. He eventually pulled me down and did it anyways. I was terrified and felt like I couldn’t move. I did my best to try and get him away but I was also afraid of him lashing out at me for not doing what he wanted, so I felt stuck and confused. I didn’t know that counted as rape until months after. What he did to me gave me extreme PTSD and I’ve been having nightmares relating to him or the incident every time I sleep. I stopped talking to him a while ago but sometimes when I have PTSD attacks it feels like it’s happening all over again but the anxiety I feel, now that I know how bad what he did was, is ten times worse. Since this happened almost two years ago, I have definitely become a lot stronger. I’ve learned to set better boundaries without feeling bad for doing so and I’ve also gotten better at advocating for what I need. A lot of the time, including as I write this, the anxiety gets so bad I feel like I’m right back where I started. It feels like no matter how much progress I make, that I’ll never be able to fully heal from this. But I know that isn’t true and I know that I will get better. It just feels like it’s taking forever. I want to take the opportunity to share my story now, so other victims won’t have to feel as alone as I did when it happened. Healing is a slow and painful process but I will heal and I will get better.
I was 20 , I met a guy online , when I got to his house I noticed he looked nothing like the photo he sent but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and stayed . The first week was fine I was exploring a new town , but I noticed that he would get aggressive towards me if people checked me out. One day I woke up and he was gone , so I decided to go into town . He saw me outside and slammed my head into a telephone pole then took me back to his house. Once we got back to his house he smashed my phone punched me in my face and pulled me by my hair and dragged me into the room. I was trapped in the room for weeks . I lost track of time . He would come into the room and beat me. Stomp on me and punch me in the face . Then he would hold me down and rape me . I didnt eat any food we did have he would eat it all. During the night he would hold onto me in bed and squeeze my arm if I tried to move . I wasnt allowed to go to the bathroom unless he let me . When I took baths hed punch me and push my head underwater and laugh . I felt like I was going to die there , I wanted to die instead of live in the situation I was in.
I wrote this poem as a healing exercise after an intense EMDR session. No one really knows my story. Writing this poem was a way of owning my story and coming out to friends about my experience so to speak. I haven’t come up with a title yet but maybe it will help others know they are not alone.
A friend. A sister. An aunt, daughter, mother. A girlfriend. An athlete, a colleague or another.
Professing these titles. None too hard to claim. But one still lingers that just isn’t the same.
Not to be callous. “To thy own self be true.” The title I’ve evaded has me feeling so blue.
Cold as winter, blankets my heart. For being labeled a victim, was not right from the start.
Not once, not twice but three times a charm. A lifetime of pain “that meant me no harm.”
Four, thirteen, fifteen and counting these were the ages that left me dismounting.
Fear, shame, a child misunderstood. I’d whisper to myself “if only you were good.”
Hate for the person I was conditioned to be. For they were not the problem, the problem was me.
No logical explanation or reason seemed right. For my younger self was taught, never to be slight.
Not toward an adult who had no business with me. Nor to a parent who just wouldn’t see.
I couldn’t speak up. How can it be? The problem was obvious. It must be me.
A young child suffered with no one to hear, as she silently laid screaming her dreams she most feared.
Her mischievous ways were not what they seemed. But this didn’t matter she had no self-esteem.
A lifetime of agony seemed her due path. For thirty years later, lain a fiery wrath.
All too accustomed to being mistreated. It was love for herself that she utmost needed.
Where to begin? Now that was the question. She had woven a web of great misconceptions.
Too many betrayals resulting in void spaces. Her heart grew weaker as she looked at all of their faces.
Unable to stand the cycle any longer. She picked up the phone and dialed the first number.
To my surprise a kind heart revealed that with proper love and compassion, my fate wouldn’t be sealed.
As an adult with a past now much clearer. I gazed upon my own reflection in the mirror.
No longer able to hide my true self, the words flowed through me like a valley of wealth.
“This is me. My story is mine. A victim. Yes. Of a silent hate crime.”
And in that moment I finally made known, I was not the problem just one I had owned.
Not all mistreatment leaves one with physical bruises, just ask my inner child who heals from sexual abusers.
I was sexual assaulted by a supervisor at the Cook County, Illinois Court House. What’s most appalling and disturbing to me is the fact that, after this assault took place and was reported to Chief Judge, the supervisor was then doubled promoted to an Assistant Chief. This type of promotion had never taken place in his history of this local governmental agency. I have been forced to come to work, for years, and look at this Sex Offender, who is the predator that sexual assaulted me and that angered me. I still, to this day, cringe at the site of him or at the sound of his voice. Anytime he’s anywhere near me, it sickens me, and it makes my flesh crawl! It makes me feel unsafe and extremely uncomfortable. I’ve had to walk pass this predator and watch him smirk at me, because he feels that he had gotten away with this disgusting behavior of his; and that there’s nothing that I could do about it. At time, this ordeal has made me feel hopeless about the matter. But it has never left my mind and I hate what he did to me. Therefore, I refuse to remain silent any longer. No one has a right touch me without my permission, and I mean no one!
Today, I am standing up for my rights. Today, I am also standing up for all of the black females of the Cook County ,Illinois Court System who have been over looked, mistreated, and left feeling hopeless, because no one in the department cares enough about us, to protect us from discrimination, sexual harassment, unfair treatment and hostility in the work place.
After some time had passed, I brought my concerns up again to the Chief Judge and again, shortly after I voiced my concerns and disappointments with the fact that this sex offender had not been held accountable for his actions, the Chief Judge then promoted him again. This time he was promoted to the acting Chief of the department, which was a complete slap in my face. It left me to assume that the Chief Judge was not concerned with correcting this injustice that had taken place to me, while in the criminal courthouse on his watch. and that his goal was to ignore and cover up this ugly stain.
THIS IS VERY REASON WHY VICTIMS ARE AFRAID TO COME FORTH AND TELL THEIR TRUTH, BECAUSE THEY RUN THE RISK OF BEING FURTHER VICTIMIZED AND LOOKED AT AS IF THEY HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG.
THANK GOD THAT THIS “ME TOO” PLATFORM IS HERE FOR VICTIM’S VOICES TO BE HEARD.
HI,
I NEED HELP TO START A GROUP IN THE TOWN WHERE I LIVE..AS A SURVIVOR OF RAPE , THAT STARTED WHEN I WAS 5 YR OLD…MY FATHER WATCHED WHILE HIS FRIEND RAPED ME…YEARS OF RAPE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
I had a very bad married life and that time I really did not get that I was actually going through domestic violence. Now I’m aware and want to share my story. It was both love and arrange marriage. After marriage I felt my ex husband wanted me as his personal slave. He wanted to do anything with what he wanted as he considered me as his personal slave because he married me. He just confined me at his home. His home gave me feeling of zail. As I had to spent my whole time only at confined home. That was my boundary and I was not allowed to break this boundary an inch. As I got married at a very early age my parents took assurance from my ex husbands family that they would admit me university but they broke that promise after marriage. I went through martial rape what I did not understand that time. Also went through psychological and physical abuses. Many times my ex husband better me .But I tolerated all those only to save my married life. But at last my it exposed my ex husband was in extra marital affair and he wanted to get married that woman too. He sent me divorce letter. He did what he wished to do with me. Finally I went back to my fathers home with 10 months old baby and my ex husband refused to take any kind responsibilities of my baby. I really wondered how could a father can be this much responsibilities of his own child. Thank to the almighty that my father was always by my side. He admitted me university and he took responsibility of mine and my daughter too and I got new realization of life. I actually got a new life.
It was a free day on the slopes of the snowy mountains, and I was pulled behind and raped by my “friend” behind my dorm, and i then had to see him. Every day. I couldn’t look at him or look at other people without thinking about it. It outrages me. I couldn’t have any physical contact and I felt sick to the stomach every fucking day. I feel like they need to understand that rape has CONSEQUENCES. Teens need to be taught that rape results in jail and how bad it is. I can’t cuddle anymore. Hugging brings me back to that night and I feel like I will never hold a truly innocent and loving physical relationship again in my life. I don’t think I will ever understand the idea of consensual sex and how it is supposed to be pleasurable for me. I’ve had serious suicidal thoughts because I see the year around me having relationships, losing their virginity and I feel like I will never be that teen, exploring their boundaries because it was willingly taken away from me.
Not to mention this was at the prestigious Winter School programme, and was promptly covered up. My rapist is attending again, and I need to speak up but I can’t, and I hope that someone does it for me.
So much for “when im ready” Thanks a lot for nothing. Who’s idea was this??
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The When You're Ready Project is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories and have their voices heard, finding strength in one another. When you're ready to share your story, we'll be here.
I was staying after school with my ex in 9th grade. We had only been dating for a week but a couple months prior to the event he had molested me about 20 times when we stayed after school for a club. I had no idea how bad it was because before this I had never experienced anything this bad and barely knew what he was doing. I dated him because I downplayed what he did to me and thought it was my fault for being uncomfy. I didnt want to hang out with him the day he raped me but I didn’t know how to say no to him because he scared me. This was the only time we were ever 100% alone. He took me behind the stage in our school’s auditorium and started to kiss me. I was really nervous because I didn’t want to get caught but he didn’t care as much as I did. I was wearing a dress that came up right above my knees. When we were kissing, he lifted up my dress and started to put his hands into my panties. I kept swatting him away, telling him to stop and that I didn’t want him to do that. He kept repeating “trust me, I know what I’m doing” while trying to finger me. He eventually pulled me down and did it anyways. I was terrified and felt like I couldn’t move. I did my best to try and get him away but I was also afraid of him lashing out at me for not doing what he wanted, so I felt stuck and confused. I didn’t know that counted as rape until months after. What he did to me gave me extreme PTSD and I’ve been having nightmares relating to him or the incident every time I sleep. I stopped talking to him a while ago but sometimes when I have PTSD attacks it feels like it’s happening all over again but the anxiety I feel, now that I know how bad what he did was, is ten times worse. Since this happened almost two years ago, I have definitely become a lot stronger. I’ve learned to set better boundaries without feeling bad for doing so and I’ve also gotten better at advocating for what I need. A lot of the time, including as I write this, the anxiety gets so bad I feel like I’m right back where I started. It feels like no matter how much progress I make, that I’ll never be able to fully heal from this. But I know that isn’t true and I know that I will get better. It just feels like it’s taking forever. I want to take the opportunity to share my story now, so other victims won’t have to feel as alone as I did when it happened. Healing is a slow and painful process but I will heal and I will get better.
to talk to people who help and listen to peoples story who have been raped and don’t judge..
I was 20 , I met a guy online , when I got to his house I noticed he looked nothing like the photo he sent but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and stayed . The first week was fine I was exploring a new town , but I noticed that he would get aggressive towards me if people checked me out. One day I woke up and he was gone , so I decided to go into town . He saw me outside and slammed my head into a telephone pole then took me back to his house. Once we got back to his house he smashed my phone punched me in my face and pulled me by my hair and dragged me into the room. I was trapped in the room for weeks . I lost track of time . He would come into the room and beat me. Stomp on me and punch me in the face . Then he would hold me down and rape me . I didnt eat any food we did have he would eat it all. During the night he would hold onto me in bed and squeeze my arm if I tried to move . I wasnt allowed to go to the bathroom unless he let me . When I took baths hed punch me and push my head underwater and laugh . I felt like I was going to die there , I wanted to die instead of live in the situation I was in.
I wrote this poem as a healing exercise after an intense EMDR session. No one really knows my story. Writing this poem was a way of owning my story and coming out to friends about my experience so to speak. I haven’t come up with a title yet but maybe it will help others know they are not alone.
A friend. A sister. An aunt, daughter, mother. A girlfriend. An athlete, a colleague or another.
Professing these titles. None too hard to claim. But one still lingers that just isn’t the same.
Not to be callous. “To thy own self be true.” The title I’ve evaded has me feeling so blue.
Cold as winter, blankets my heart. For being labeled a victim, was not right from the start.
Not once, not twice but three times a charm. A lifetime of pain “that meant me no harm.”
Four, thirteen, fifteen and counting these were the ages that left me dismounting.
Fear, shame, a child misunderstood. I’d whisper to myself “if only you were good.”
Hate for the person I was conditioned to be. For they were not the problem, the problem was me.
No logical explanation or reason seemed right. For my younger self was taught, never to be slight.
Not toward an adult who had no business with me. Nor to a parent who just wouldn’t see.
I couldn’t speak up. How can it be? The problem was obvious. It must be me.
A young child suffered with no one to hear, as she silently laid screaming her dreams she most feared.
Her mischievous ways were not what they seemed. But this didn’t matter she had no self-esteem.
A lifetime of agony seemed her due path. For thirty years later, lain a fiery wrath.
All too accustomed to being mistreated. It was love for herself that she utmost needed.
Where to begin? Now that was the question. She had woven a web of great misconceptions.
Too many betrayals resulting in void spaces. Her heart grew weaker as she looked at all of their faces.
Unable to stand the cycle any longer. She picked up the phone and dialed the first number.
To my surprise a kind heart revealed that with proper love and compassion, my fate wouldn’t be sealed.
As an adult with a past now much clearer. I gazed upon my own reflection in the mirror.
No longer able to hide my true self, the words flowed through me like a valley of wealth.
“This is me. My story is mine. A victim. Yes. Of a silent hate crime.”
And in that moment I finally made known, I was not the problem just one I had owned.
Not all mistreatment leaves one with physical bruises, just ask my inner child who heals from sexual abusers.
I was sexual assaulted by a supervisor at the Cook County, Illinois Court House. What’s most appalling and disturbing to me is the fact that, after this assault took place and was reported to Chief Judge, the supervisor was then doubled promoted to an Assistant Chief. This type of promotion had never taken place in his history of this local governmental agency. I have been forced to come to work, for years, and look at this Sex Offender, who is the predator that sexual assaulted me and that angered me. I still, to this day, cringe at the site of him or at the sound of his voice. Anytime he’s anywhere near me, it sickens me, and it makes my flesh crawl! It makes me feel unsafe and extremely uncomfortable. I’ve had to walk pass this predator and watch him smirk at me, because he feels that he had gotten away with this disgusting behavior of his; and that there’s nothing that I could do about it. At time, this ordeal has made me feel hopeless about the matter. But it has never left my mind and I hate what he did to me. Therefore, I refuse to remain silent any longer. No one has a right touch me without my permission, and I mean no one!
Today, I am standing up for my rights. Today, I am also standing up for all of the black females of the Cook County ,Illinois Court System who have been over looked, mistreated, and left feeling hopeless, because no one in the department cares enough about us, to protect us from discrimination, sexual harassment, unfair treatment and hostility in the work place.
After some time had passed, I brought my concerns up again to the Chief Judge and again, shortly after I voiced my concerns and disappointments with the fact that this sex offender had not been held accountable for his actions, the Chief Judge then promoted him again. This time he was promoted to the acting Chief of the department, which was a complete slap in my face. It left me to assume that the Chief Judge was not concerned with correcting this injustice that had taken place to me, while in the criminal courthouse on his watch. and that his goal was to ignore and cover up this ugly stain.
THIS IS VERY REASON WHY VICTIMS ARE AFRAID TO COME FORTH AND TELL THEIR TRUTH, BECAUSE THEY RUN THE RISK OF BEING FURTHER VICTIMIZED AND LOOKED AT AS IF THEY HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG.
THANK GOD THAT THIS “ME TOO” PLATFORM IS HERE FOR VICTIM’S VOICES TO BE HEARD.
HI,
I NEED HELP TO START A GROUP IN THE TOWN WHERE I LIVE..AS A SURVIVOR OF RAPE , THAT STARTED WHEN I WAS 5 YR OLD…MY FATHER WATCHED WHILE HIS FRIEND RAPED ME…YEARS OF RAPE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
I had a very bad married life and that time I really did not get that I was actually going through domestic violence. Now I’m aware and want to share my story. It was both love and arrange marriage. After marriage I felt my ex husband wanted me as his personal slave. He wanted to do anything with what he wanted as he considered me as his personal slave because he married me. He just confined me at his home. His home gave me feeling of zail. As I had to spent my whole time only at confined home. That was my boundary and I was not allowed to break this boundary an inch. As I got married at a very early age my parents took assurance from my ex husbands family that they would admit me university but they broke that promise after marriage. I went through martial rape what I did not understand that time. Also went through psychological and physical abuses. Many times my ex husband better me .But I tolerated all those only to save my married life. But at last my it exposed my ex husband was in extra marital affair and he wanted to get married that woman too. He sent me divorce letter. He did what he wished to do with me. Finally I went back to my fathers home with 10 months old baby and my ex husband refused to take any kind responsibilities of my baby. I really wondered how could a father can be this much responsibilities of his own child. Thank to the almighty that my father was always by my side. He admitted me university and he took responsibility of mine and my daughter too and I got new realization of life. I actually got a new life.
It was a free day on the slopes of the snowy mountains, and I was pulled behind and raped by my “friend” behind my dorm, and i then had to see him. Every day. I couldn’t look at him or look at other people without thinking about it. It outrages me. I couldn’t have any physical contact and I felt sick to the stomach every fucking day. I feel like they need to understand that rape has CONSEQUENCES. Teens need to be taught that rape results in jail and how bad it is. I can’t cuddle anymore. Hugging brings me back to that night and I feel like I will never hold a truly innocent and loving physical relationship again in my life. I don’t think I will ever understand the idea of consensual sex and how it is supposed to be pleasurable for me. I’ve had serious suicidal thoughts because I see the year around me having relationships, losing their virginity and I feel like I will never be that teen, exploring their boundaries because it was willingly taken away from me.
Not to mention this was at the prestigious Winter School programme, and was promptly covered up. My rapist is attending again, and I need to speak up but I can’t, and I hope that someone does it for me.
Sincerely
Year 10 Redlands Girl
I’d love to share my stories and how I became a slut and ashamed
So much for “when im ready” Thanks a lot for nothing. Who’s idea was this??