Sabrina’s Story: I Just Want the Thoughts to Stop

Sabrina’s Story: I Just Want the Thoughts to Stop

I was sick
He made me come over to his house instead of me coming over
Didn’t pay attention to me while I was there was just on his video games
I think he was drinking because he always used to drink about a bottle a day
So I went to bed
He came over to bed about an hour later and started rubbing my back
Then eventually his hand went down my pants
He started touching me down there and I didn’t say no or push him away because I was too tired and sick to do anything
He was ontop of me kissing me
I tried to refuse and said I’m not feeling good
He said “Don’t think about feeling sick, think about feeling good.”
Then sex happened and I just kind layed there
After it was over he left and went to his bong and played video games and I fell asleep telling myself it didn’t happen that way and I must have wanted it because I didn’t push him off of me.
Next morning everything went back to normal and I went home and tried to forget about it
There were multiple other instances that don’t stand out to me, some of the times I did want it so I won’t pass those times off as rape but there were lots of times where he would persist OVER AND OVER again to have sex and I gave in because I didn’t want to hear about it or listen to him whine. He was also drunk a lot and a lot of the times I drank is when we did it. But it was always on his terms and never on mine.
Then there is the one incident which wasn’t rape but assault, when he was drunk next to me and I was trying to sleep and he kept putting his hands down my pants and I would remove them, nearly three times I had to do this. Until he finally stopped and went to sleep and I laid there freaking out not knowing what to do and it took me forever then I finally fell asleep.
Next few days I was really distant and kept myself away from him, then I confronted him about his behaviour and he responded with “I don’t remember it that way, you say it like I’m some sort of predator or something.” Basically gas lighting me and making me feel crazy. It took awhile but he eventually apologized but it meant nothing to me, it didn’t take away the fear I felt that night when it happened.
Fast forward new years day at noon, we got into an argument the night before it had to do with me being upset with my brother molesting me and him getting angry and saying “I’m not your brother don’t compare me to him.” Which I wasn’t doing at all. We also got into an argument of me never want to do anal. Like he was furious at me for even not considering it, it was a big no because of what happened with my brother which ties into that fight that night. Anyway it was like two am and we went to bed, woke up like nothing ever happened, we watched movies all morning then he started drinking again and got sleepy so we took a nap and again the thing with putting his hand down my pants and me pushing his hand away happened again until he finally gave up. I didn’t dare bring it up again as I didn’t want another argument about it. So I left it alone and he woke up from his nap again ACTING LIKE NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED. Then I left because I had things to do and didn’t see him until the next day.
There is a lot more that happened throughout the duration of our 7 month situationship (6 months of stringing me along and one month of actual dating) but these are the main situations that stood out to me.
As well as he would say the same things over and over until I gave in,
Go bend over
No
*Ten minutes go by*
Go bend over
NO
Go bend over
NO
Then finally I give in to get him to shut up.

Take a bath with me (This was the SECOND time we hung out)
No
Take a bath with me
NO
Take a bath with me
NO

Again there is a lot more and I might try to make myself remember it in order to heal but these are the main things that happened that I’m constantly going over in my mind, I just want it to stop.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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