Rawley’s Story: I Never Had Many Male Friends

i never had many male friends

but you are flamboyant
and easy to talk to
you feel like a brother
it’s always film talk and laughter
we make dirty jokes and
talk about the women we lust after.

and then there i am
inebriated on your sticky leather couch
you’re pulling me into your bedroom
i feel something cold and wet on my back
i don’t know what it is at first
at some point i realize it’s massage oil
blue lights
your hands moving up and down the length of my body
Phantogram’s “When I’m Small” is on and the last line feels fitting
chunks of the night are forever gone from my mind
you say, “wow, i guess you really are gay,”
“a straight girl would never be so unresponsive to this kind of touch”
i feel angered by this comment
but i am silent
as the alcohol has me in a nearly paralyzed state
i wake up to the glowing numbers on your alarm clock
at some point i had fallen asleep it got really late.

driving home at 4AM
i feel disgusted, confused, betrayed
i blame myself
i must have said something to give him the wrong impression
i let myself get too drunk
you say a quick “sorry”
and we agree to never speak of that night again
we have too many mutual friends and co-workers.

years pass and now i feel a burning desire to tell everyone the truth about you
but it’s as if i never came out of my state of paralysis
because i continue to protect you
even though i now know
i was never to blame for any of your actions
even though i now know
what you did was shameful, cruel, wrong
by breaking the silence
maybe i can settle the score.
but i continue to protect you
and now that is the only thing i blame myself for.