P’s Story: Surviving Through It For Years

I have never told anyone my story, ever. When this first happened to me it was impossible to grasp the concept, considering I was just 4 years old when the first time occurred. Starting at age 4 to about 12, I was a victim to sexual assault and it was weird because I thought the person doing this to me loved me. I remember sitting in the car while my stepfather went into the store and I was playing with matches, when he saw me he was not happy and told me that my mom was going to yell at me but said that he would keep it a secret if I kept a secret for him, and that is that day he took me home and made sexual advances on me. I had no clue what sex even was at this point in time, someone so young had lost their innocences so early in life. As I got older and it kept happening I remember trying to push him away of get out of it any way I could. It went on all that time until I got old enough to finally stand up for myself and say no. I never went on to tell anyone because I was scared, scared I would hurt my mother or she wouldn’t believe me, or that it would destroy her future because she was a single mother with two kids to raise. As an adult now I think back to when this was going on in my life still trying to comprehend and still scared to speak up. It is as if sometimes I can’t even remember it happening and I don’t know if it because I was so young or if part of my brain blocks out that trauma so I can live a normal healthy life. I was just 4 years old when I got sexually abused, and I am speaking up now because as a Junior in college I have had to opportunity to learn much more about the rape culture and have the education, to know there are other victims and it is going to be okay.