An Oregon High School Student’s Story

I almost wish there was a soundtrack to life so that I could have listened to something besides the freezing wind blowing past my ears and the sound of his frustrated breathing. Something to take me away from the moment I realized that my words went in one of his ears and out the other without a second thought. Something to focus on besides the frozen cement grinding rhythmically into my bare skin. I wore a winter coat over a knee-length dress thinking that I could stay warm until i got back home. I planned to walk through the park and kissed him goodbye and like every other time. Except this time was different. This time he was silent and the electricity between us died out. The only thing colder than the temperature outside was the look in his eyes as he saw through who I was into what I was going to be for him. I knew what he had planned when our path skewed away from the gate to the tables. I tried to tell him I needed to go home and that it was too cold “maybe another time”. Without a word I was bent over, facing away from him. With a fist full of my hair in one hand he brought his other down on me as if I had committed a crime worth being punished for. Unable to catch my breathe or gather my thoughts I shook uncontrollably under his weight. The only thing that was leaving my lips was “it’s too cold” like a broken record repeating the first line of the worst song on the album. And I was right; it was too cold. The icy wind forced all his blood to his core in order to keep his twisted heart beating. Despite everything in nature trying to get him to stop he still pulled me onto the ground under him. Face down I listened as he mumbled angrily and tried break the barrier of ice that had formed around me with what pressure he could muster up within himself. Minutes went by with failed attempt after failed attempt, as if he was a shiv in the hands of a street mugger that repeatedly slammed into me, and always stopped before hitting an artery. Unable to escape the affects of the elements, he silently pushed himself off of me and put himself away before slamming his fist down on the table. I sat numbly, waiting to be the next thing his fist met with such intensity. I flinched abrubtly to his touch, which was an instinct i had never known before, as he pulled me up slowly and brushed the dirt and leaves off of me with a gentle hand. Like a deer in the headlights I listened as his voice pierced the radio static in my head saying “I’m sorry. I got a little rough”. He laced his fingers with mine and walked towards the gate and lead himself home with me by his side. The world turned into a haze. There was no wind. There was no cold. And still there was no soundtrack to listen to besides his frustrated breathing.

I have not spoken a word to him since our separation. I didn’t even understand that I had been raped until months later. We had consensual sex previously, and even earlier that day. But this was clearly different. Once my now current girlfriend explained to me that what he did was rape I fell apart. Eventually I told my closest friend. She still talks to him because they are friends and we all go to the same school. She says that he told her it was a mistake and he “feels like the worst human alive for it”. But it doesn’t change how I feel about him. Every time I think about him or see him I get a knot in my stomach that twists so hard I think it’s going to come up. People even tell me I shouldn’t have broken up with him because we were the ideal couple that inspired their relationships. How am I supposed to tell them that our relationship was soiled with rape and emotional abuse? I have one more year left of high school and I’m almost seventeen. It’s hard to explain to people that I don’t ignore him out of “petty drama” I just can’t hear his voice or see his face without feeling tears well in my eyes. I know he knows it was rape, but does he know how much of me he killed when he did it?