Ona’s Story: I am no longer a victim, I am a victor

Hello I’m Ona. I don’t really know where to start. I was in a relationship with my boyfriend at the time for over a year. He was my boss at the job I was working at. He was also my first so I think it was hard for me to leave him because of the attachment. When I was first with him I didn’t really recognize the need for him to constantly have sex. I thought it was something that was normal. Well a few months into the relationship. Maybe like the six month, he didn’t really respect what I wanted. When ever he wanted sex he would get it, while my no’s rendered useless. I don’t remember a lot of it, I had to tell myself I enjoyed it and go with it because the pain from reality was something I couldn’t handle. I remember after everytime I would cry silently and wipe it away before he saw. I tried to explain it to my best friends and they would blame me saying if I never went over to his house or if I never hung out with him in the first place it wouldn’t have happened. I ended up just asking for constant sex because if I just told myself I wanted it, it could mask the pain I was going through. I remember one time I consistantly told him I didn’t want sex while he continued to have sex with me. He paused and asked me if this was what I really wanted and I said yes I didn’t want sex. He stopped and said “I’m sorry” and went quicker until he finished. I never thought of this as rape. How could your boyfriend rape you? But it did happen and I pretended it didn’t so I wouldn’t deal with the pain with it. I felt violated, disrespected, and unloved. It got so bad to the point when I finally broke down crying he cried and apologized and I sucked it up to cater to him! I blamed myself for everything. It got so bad as to where I neglected myself to help my rapist. In turn, I sought counsel with people in my church and they helped me cut my ex out. They explained to me that rape was rape and helped me to love and cherish myself again. I no longer have any contact with him and I grew to become a much stronger person. I was able to forgive him and myself and move forward. Anyone who is reading this, there is a happy ending for us. Don’t allow yourself and others to make you feel ashamed like it’s your fault. Don’t give up. We are not victims but victors. Love you all.