Anonymous Story: Sexual assault is no joke, trust me.

First of all I wanted to say that this was not a rape, at least I don’t think it was from what I can remember. But from what I do know, it all started with a sleepover. I was meant to be going to my friends house to stay over but we went to her sisters flat first because she wanted to see her. On the way my friend had a massive argument with her dad so later that night her sister said that we could stay at her and her boyfriends place.

I was 16 at the time and her sister and the boyfriend were going out to a club so me and my friend were home alone where they had left us with alcohol. Before they left the boyfriend was encouraging us to drink as much as we wanted and had given us two glasses each of whiskey prior. The sister kept on telling him to stop being so encouraging but he just waited until she left the room to show us where it all was. So when they left, we drank. Then we drank a bit more and a bit more after that.

The next thing I know I’m in a bathtub covered in my own sick. I have no recollection of how I got there or when I was sick and straight after i was in the bathtub I have no clue what happened until I remember myself waking up on a bed next to my friend where she was now passed out. But when I say wake up I mean that I could only just crack the tiniest amount of my eyes open because it felt as if they were glued shut. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t talk. I could barely see. But I saw enough.

The next thing I remember is her sister and the boyfriend coming home and that’s when I realised that we were on their bed so the sister went in the living room to sleep. The boyfriend came into the bedroom where we were and started asking us if we were awake and if we were okay. I couldn’t say anything or move to indicate that I was awake and he couldn’t see the small crack where I had slightly managed to open my eyes so he slightly shook my arm, repeating “are you okay?” And “can you talk?” But I couldn’t do anything.

The next thing I know is that someone is moving my legs apart. One foot dangled off the edge of the bed and the other lay flat still on the bed. So I try to open my eyes again but can still no matter how hard I tried, only see out of the tiny crack it allowed me too see out of. Then I see his face, the boyfriends. At first I just thought that he was moving me to get to something because I was in his bed after all but then he started to move his hands up my legs and my mind literally went blank. What was he doing? And that’s when I realised that I had no trousers on. I was just in the top and underwear with him moving his hands further and further up my legs until it got to that place. He moved my underwear to the side and proceeded to touch me there, while also touching himself. After a couple minutes he stopped and rearranged my body into the exact position I was in before, but before passing out I remember him walking to the other side of the bed, the side where my best friend lay.

At that moment in time I didn’t even care about what had just happened to me because I was just so focused on trying to help my friend, trying all I could to wake her up but I couldn’t move. It was like I was in a room full of people and I was screaming but no one could hear me. I couldn’t see what was happening on the other side of the bed so I still to this day do not know if he did anything to her or not. He left the room and went next door to the living room. I woke up again to him moving my legs apart and continuing with what he was doing before and the same thing happened. I passed out after he had put me back into place. I woke up again to him touching me. And this repeated itself between 4-5 times.

I then began to understand that he did this only for a couple of minutes at a time, it was because he was making sure that his girlfriend was still sleeping next door. Roughly after those 4-5 times, he then did something different, which was where he then went on to pull my underwear down. He then got on top of my body and tried putting something inside of me, his penis. I felt so numb that I just waited, that was all I could do. I couldn’t even fight back. It was like my body was paralysed. He tried putting it in but for some reason it wasn’t going in and after him struggling and me barely being able to breathe because the whole of his weight was crushing my chest, he stopped trying and got off. This was the last time he touched me. I think.

All I could remember after that was waking up and it was morning. I could now just about move and talk but I was still trying to gather all of the events that had just happened a few hours before this. I then woke up my friend because I was still shaken up but I didn’t want to tell her because I was so scared since he was literally right next door to us. So I woke her up and then he came into the room. He was acting so normal. So oblivious to what had happened. To what he did. He said that I could shower since I was covered in sick and I agreed just wanting to be away from him as soon as possible.

After showering I got a phone call from my mum demanding to know where I was. I had just remembered then that I had not told her about staying at the sisters house, so she had found out where I was and was mad, really mad. She told me to come home straight away and had hung up. So for me that was an escape, an excuse for me and my friend to leave asap. There was no way that I would’ve left her there on her own. So her dad picked us up, dropped me home yada yada yada… Mum had sent me to my room and it was then where it was all catching up to me.

What he did was wrong. What he did shouldn’t of happened. I had thrown up several times that morning and after about the third my mum asked if I had been drinking so I told her yes. She came into my room and started ranting about how dangerous of a situation I was in listing off all the possible events that could’ve taken place. “You could’ve chocked on your own vomit” and “you could’ve got alcohol poisoning” but it was when she said “you could’ve been raped” that I burst into tears. She asked what was wrong and so I told her.

I told her EVERYTHING. After, she looked at me, got up and left. She came back a few minutes later and said “I have to call up your friends Mum and tell her what’s happened”. So she did and her mum was stunned. Shocked even. My friends Mum was like a second mother to me. My mum then called the police and after travelling hours at a time to places to get examined, prodded, poked, photographed, tested and interviewed for forensics, I went home. I attempted to sleep. I got up. I went to school. Told my other two best friends. Cried. And went back home again.

It’s been 8 months and 16 days since this happened, no call, no email, no text message saying that this case will ever go to court. My forensics came back with no results and I moved away. But I’ll never forget. That day, 27.2.16, I lost a lot. I lost my innocence. My perception of people. The rest of my teenage years. My best friend. She believed me at first but now we barely speak. Her sister is still with him, they’re now engaged actually. My friend is still in contact with the sister, closer than ever. And her mum, well her mum hates me for sure. All because I told the truth.

Everyday I check my emails hoping to get a message telling me that this case will go to court and that I will get justice. But everyday I also get let down because the people that said they’d do anything to help me, that they’d contact me every month to give me an update, had lied. And those people were the police, the ones we’re meant to trust. The ones we’re meant to rely on.

So now I wait, for what? I don’t even know myself anymore. But I still wait because I know that even if I didn’t receive the justice I deserved, I will work my whole life to ensure that the people around me never go through the same thing. Ever. I feel like a statistic. I’d of never thought in a million years that I would be the 1 out of 5 women to be sexually assaulted. But I am. Because this could happen to anybody. And after rethinking this through. After many long heartfelt conversations, I’ve now come to the realisation that it wasn’t my fault. It never had been. I was drinking yes but did I ask for him to touch me? No. Did I give him consent to touch me? No. So it was NOT my fault. He did this. So whoever is going through a situation like mine just know that it is not your fault and it never will be. YOU didn’t give consent so YOU are not at fault. Believe in yourself, NEVER give up. Because they will pay.