N/A’s Story: I made my rapist a bagel

I was sixteen and in the best relationship of my entire life. One that even after the rape, I would stay in and stick out no matter the harm we caused.

We were very sexual beings after July 13th when I willing bent over and gave him my virginity. He was a virgin too and that made me happy. I remember feeling so bonded to him, connected on a whole new level. Many times after that we had sex without a condom, nothing ever happened but now I won’t do it without one. During this time my grandma would allow him to come over to spend the nights on weekend, and his parents agreed to let him as well. The majority of the time it was good. Until he proposed over and over we should do anal. A month previous he brought the topic up and I realized it would make him happy and I wanted him to finish and as he said, “I want to cum in you.”

I remember it was on a Sunday the first time I finally took my walls down and decided to let him. I laid on my stomach, pulled my bottoms down and let him have sex with me all the while I made pained noises and at one point I even cried. That’s not the rape. During this situation he was so comforting, he pet my hair and kissed my neck and cheeks, and wiped my tears and told me how beautiful I was, how pretty even with tears.

As of now, my rape was weeks ago. Only weeks and I am still with this boy. I had told him the night before that I would let him do it to me that night, instead we had vaginal sex. The next day he woke me up early and had me go into the back room with him. I knew what he wanted and I couldn’t feel a thing about it. I blindly laid down on the bed and he pulled down my pants. I was okay until the first time he tried to get it in, it hurt and my eyes watered. I began crying, and even tensing my body. He had got it in for a moment and was having his time while I whispered for him to stop, practically begging and cried. Every time I’d pull my body away so he wasn’t inside anymore, he would hit my thighs or grab my chin and tell me to stop. When I was crying he even said shut up, because he didn’t want them to know. I didn’t know anything of it. He got inside another time after that, and I once again struggled to pull my body from his. That struggle made it last longer. He had a wild grip on my thigh and it scared me. I knew he was capable of scary things, but I never imagined he would do that.

Afterwards he laid there and wouldn’t talk to me. At the time I didn’t realize it was rape. I saw it as my boyfriend wanting to have anal sex and me not. Many time before this I had enjoyed it with him. But, it didn’t feel good anymore. It just hurt, and that’s why I ended up lying on my bed crying beside him. Everyone told me it’d be a stranger, that I could call my hero for help and he’d be there. But, the fact is my hero was lying behind me and causing me the most pain I’ve ever felt.

Afterwards I made him a bagel, slathered cream cheese on the toasted buns, and returned to the bedroom where he booted up my laptop to play the video game I allowed him to play the night before. I handed him the bagel, made myself one and sat down a small distance from him. He left an hour later.

The pain didn’t hit me until he left, and I sat in my shower and cried. I felt disgusting. My boyfriend just anally raped me.

But, was it rape?