Morgan’s Story: Just Added to His List

I feel lonely all the time. I am surrounded by many people that love me everyday, yet I feel so alone. What he did to me left me feeling worthless. I am worth less than I ever imagined. I try to stop thinking about it, but when I lay alone at night in my bed, all I can do is think about why I deserved it. I led him on, I dressed inappropriately. I don’t know how many people need to tell me I didn’t deserve it before it actually becomes true in my mind. I have read all these stories about brave survivors coming forward and telling their story and all I can think is, how many people blame her? I saw a quote today that said, “Rape is like the weather. If it is inevitable, just sit back and enjoy it.” It is people like this that make people like me terrified to say anything. People that have never seen the effects lessening the power of the women and men that have survived such terrible things. Before I ever felt this way, if I saw a rape survivor’s story, I wouldn’t believe it or I would just scroll past it. Now, I have no idea where the survivors get their strength. The amount of power it takes for women to speak out against their attackers is tremendous. I even have people to stand with and I can’t do it. It hurts me to hear jokes everyday about rape. People use it in a sense of losing badly in a game or being proven wrong. What they don’t think about is the people standing around them. They don’t understand that I am next to them, thinking I lost. But how should they know? They don’t know my story. I can’t blame them for speaking so vulgar. I wish people would learn the severity of the effects that rape can have on people. Yes, it can be physically painful, but that goes away. What stays behind is so much worse. I am left with constant self deprivation. But what can I do? It happened too long ago for anyone to prove it. All that would happen if I told my story would be gossip. People whispering around about how I’m lying or looking for attention. What is the point it telling my story anyway? I give up. He has control over my body, mind, emotions. My life. And all I gained was my name added to his list.