Mary’s Story: #MeToo

Mary’s Story: #MeToo

I wrote this blog post when the “Me Too” movement went viral in 2017. I so badly wanted to hit “Publish” two years ago, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. Why? I wasn’t scared to share my story. I wasn’t scared of the judgement. It has taken me 4 years to tell my story because I wasn’t ready to face it head on, until now.
I’m sure everyone has seen this hashtag going around recently to raise awareness for sexual assault/harassment. I was set on not participating or telling my story until I saw an article from Business Insider about some guy defending Harvey Weinstein. 
”Everything depends on how a woman behaves around a man. You need to keep your distance, and everything will turn out fine.”
I was sexually assaulted by someone I thought was a friend. I was not dressed in skimpy or suggestive clothing (and even if I was – so what?). I did not consent or “ask for it”. I wasn’t flirting or “playing hard to get”. I kept my distance. I “behaved”, yet somehow everything did not “turn out fine”.
I have never been romantically involved with my attacker. In fact, he had previously asked me out on a date (twice) and I turned him down. I made it clear I only saw him as a friend and invited him as my date to my best friend’s wedding as just that, a friend.
During cocktail hour, I was telling him how I was still in love with my ex (now husband) and how we might get back together. He replied saying he was also still in love with his ex and wasn’t sure how to get her back since she had moved on.
After the reception, we decided to go out to the bars. I had plans to crash in a friend’s room but since we left the reception early, I took my belongings out of the bride’s room where I had stayed the night before and brought them to my attacker’s room for when we got back, in which I had plans to then bring my belongings to where I would stay for the night.
We ventured out to the bars where I got pretty drunk. I don’t regret getting too drunk, nor do I feel any guilt or shame. As an of-age adult, I have the right to go enjoy a night out as I had done so many, MANY, times before.
We went back to his room so I could grab my things, and that is the second to last thing I remember. The last thing I remember was my eyes being closed, but feeling pain. I could feel fingers jamming into me so hard it was unbearable even through the numbness of the alcohol.
It took everything in me to pry my eyes open and when I did, I saw him hovered over me finger raping me as hard as he could. I immediately fell back into unconsciousness with my eyes closed.
I woke up the next morning completely naked next to him. And just for the record, I HATE sleeping naked. Sleep shorts and a tee is a must, even on the drunkest of nights. He bolted and I spent the morning feeling violated and hungover.
As someone who has had one too many hookups, I knew this was different. This was not something I consented to. That night, my choice was taken away from me.
I felt betrayed. Confused. Hurt. Angry. I couldn’t understand why. Why he would continue to mess with me when I was unconscious instead of being a gentleman and tuck me in, turn around, and go to sleep. Was this revenge for turning him down twice before?
I finally built up the courage to confront him a week later in which he made some creepy comment about it being “our little secret”. Not wanting to carry on the conversation, I blocked him on social media and never looked back.
Never looking back was the worst decision I could have made. I buried this so deep within me that I thought I had myself fooled into thinking I was “over it”. I got back together with my ex about a month later and fell into my happily ever after.
Except I wasn’t happy. Since the assault, I had gained 25lbs weighing the heaviest I had ever been. I hid my assault from my husband as long as I could until I realized it was affecting our marriage.
I wasn’t confident in how I looked and had an unhealthy relationship with food. This year, I lost 10lbs and that meant so much more to me than just losing weight. It meant I was slowly but surely overcoming my past and chipping away at the damage he had done.
Last month, I decided to seek professional help. I’m still in the early stages of overcoming my assault, but making the conscious decision to get help has already helped immensely.
I have a long road ahead but I look forward to the day when I am fully recovered and can call myself a survivor.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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