Madison’s Story: Why I am the way I am

It all started when I was young. I would “play” touching games with 2 of my brothers -that was first initiated by my older brother- I barely remember how it started but I know how I felt. At first it was with my older brother(2 yrs older) I was young, maybe 10 yrs, and he would try to fit himself inside me and would say it’s good for me. We stopped doing those things when I was awake…but when I was sleeping he would sneak into my room and touch me or put things inside me. I remember the first time he did, I was terrified, after he left my room I had to pull things out of inside me… All I remember was feeling scared. I’m not sure when it stopped but shortly after that my younger brother who is 2 yes younger than me started sneaking into my room when I was asleep and he would try and fit himself in me… Sometimes he would succeed and have his way with me. The entire time I was pretending to sleep, too scared to do anything about it. Sometimes I would fight him off pretending that I was going to wake up if he kept touching me. A lot of the time it was painful, and it went on for years and years until I was about 19. In the mean time I while I was on highschool I also experienced abuse by people who I thought were friends. The first time was in gr 11 when I was fingered furiously by my “friend” even though I told him no multiple times. The whole entire school found out after that and I was thought to be a slut by my best friends. The second time this boy put his hand up my shirt and grabbed my breast as if I owed it to him or something. Another time I was at a party, drunk and I met this boy who was nice at first but then he told me to get on his back and he brought me back to his car where he raped me, I thought I liked it but in reality I was in pain and I was uncomfortable… But I was never able to say no, it all happened so fast. He was so big and I was not ready at all, it was a terrible experience I will always regret. Here I am 21, years old, I still remember every horrible moment every day even when I wish I can’t. I’m not completely sure if it’s the reason why but I think all of this has made me severely depressed, some years it wasn’t so bad, other years I was I black hole. I felt nothing, I still feel nothing, I try to fill this void by avoiding reality and responsibility. I often find myself wanting to do nothing at all and not wanting to go out. But I am happy I have finally let out my story because it weighs heavily on my chest every day. This is why I am the way that I am today, I wish it were different…I wish I could be happy.
-Madison