Ltyler’s story: finally ready to share the truth

April 28th 2018. My husband had to work out of town for a week and I hate being home alone at night and I am terrified of being alone during storms. I huge storm was coming in that night so my husband told me to ask my friend [B] to stay at our house with me and our 1 year old daughter. [B] was a very Christian guy. Music student in college. Was in the choir at church, had a waiter job just a really sweet guy all around. (I will probably end up leaving out so many details and just focusing on the big events even some that followed the actual rape because they are why I am here now writing this). Anyways so my husband had me ask [B] to stay over and so I did, I usually slept in the living room when my husband had to work out of town and I would lay the couch cushion on the floor to make a small bed for my daughter and me. I had gotten an air mattress out for [B] to sleep on. As the night gets later [B] gets off work and shows up with a to go meal for me from his job. I hadn’t gotten much sleep at all the couple of nights before hand so I decided to take a little bit of allergy medicine to help me possibly sleep even just a little bit but what I hadn’t known was that was going to knock me completely out. (Til this day I don’t know if it was the allergy medicine plus lack of sleep that made me so tired and out of it or if there was something in my food). I had fallen asleep so quickly after eating, I was wearing my husbands T-shirt and a pair of sleeping shorts. (I remember because I had taken a few pictures to send my husband that night and because I always wear his T-shirts to bed when he is away from home). Well to be honest I didn’t know the rape had happened until I received a text from [B] that next morning after he had left in a hurry all bothered. (I figured his mom was mad because she was very strict even with him being in college). I had received a text from him all distraught and apologizing. He said “I think I may have raped you” I had no recollection of it and was caught of guard not to mention still half asleep and didn’t know what to think I had rushed to the bathroom to find his semen was falling into my underwear. My mind was all over the place. How could someone I trusted so much do this to me. I want to say I was in denial even though I had seen the evidence. I told him not to use the word rape because then I guess I would have no choice but to accept it and rape was such a scary word to use for me especially to consider my friend a rapist. I kept this to myself because I didn’t want it to be true and I didn’t want to be called a liar or blamed more than I had already blamed myself. A few weeks go by and I get a positive pregnancy test and my heart drops and I can’t breathe I don’t know if it is from the rape or my husband. I tell my husband and I am crying he comforts me and tells me it’s ok we will figure it out, it wasn’t planned but we will get through it and I stay crying because I can’t get up the courage to tell him about the rape. A couple of more weeks go by and During this time I begin to have nightmares (which I have come to find out aren’t nightmares they are flashbacks from the rape) I start to remember how I was laying I remember him coming and laying behind me and me feeling so week and out of it but a few times I had managed to punch his arm off of me but I wasn’t able to keep him off I was to weak and barely awake or able to move. He was trying to pull my shorts down and I remember saying no and to stop and pushing his hands away from my shorts and I just didn’t have the strength to stop him and after that it is all blank (I think my mind has tuned it out and is protecting me from more traumatic events) and at this point I can’t hold it in anymore I’m breaking apart so we are in the truck driving and I break down and tell him and my worst fear became true he didn’t believe me and then got angry at me for not telling him sooner and not going to the police. We are a couple of blocks away from our house and he is just so angry at me and making me feel worse as I’m sitting there bawling my eyes out and I tell him to stop the truck and I will get our daughter out and walk the rest of the way home so he could cool if so he stops the truck in the middle of the road and I get out and as I am walking around to get our daughter he speeds off leaving me there alone and beyond emotional Because of my hormones. I call and call his phone and he ignores me. I finally make it home and he isn’t there. I call and he answers and I’m in so much distress crying and my feeling crushed and feeling broken and lost and blaming myself again and I ask him to please bring our daughter home because I couldn’t be alone I was afraid of hurting myself or the baby I was carrying inside me and he told me do whatever just don’t leave a mess and do it in the restroom. I am lost for words and feel dead inside. I’m alone crying and abandoned. He finally shows up an hour or so later and I’m still a wreck and he accuses me of lying because I didn’t tell him sooner and said I had to prove it to him by calling my rapist (who I hadn’t talked to since the morning it happened) in front of him with the phone on speaker. So I did call him even though that was the last person I ever wanted to call, he didn’t answer so my husband made me text him and sat down and stared at my phone until I got a reply. I did get a response and an admission to him raping me. My husband then believed me (so I thought) but still was pressuring me to go to the police (I never have gone). During the next few months I would learn how much my husband still didn’t believe me and how much he resented my pregnancy. He had told people I lied I wasn’t raped (even though he got his admission from my rapist). He had yelled at me and told me that the baby wasn’t his and that I was a whore. He had even yelled at me outside in front of the neighbors calling me a whore and saying I went and got pregnant by another guy, I felt so embarrassed and hurt I just hid inside unless I had to go to drs appointments. Then there were times he would tell me he would love the baby no matter what and claim the baby as his but even though he would tell me that he would tell everyone else we knew the opposite. I ended up leaving in December of 2018 because I could no longer take the hatefulness from him it was too much for me and the baby. My baby boy was due January 22nd 2019 my husband had begged to show up which I finally said he could but when I was in labor his boss let him off work to be at the hospital but he never showed up, turns out the entire time I was gone and he was trying to get me back he had his ex in our home sleeping with her but leading me on and telling me he wanted us to be a family again and wanted me to come back home. He never showed up to the hospital until the morning after I had my son. He showed up and acted like everything was normal as if he did nothing wrong but my family saw right past his charade. After that the state had ordered him to pay child support for my son because we were married so he was able to get a dna test and find out that my son was my husbands biological son as well not my rapists’. We have been working on our marriage, it is now August of 2019 as I’m writing this and we are living together again. Now as to why I am here, I’m here writing this because I have recently discovered that my husband was telling people and is still telling people that I lied about the rape and that when [B] had shown up I was completely naked on the couch so I was asking for it (which as I stated earlier I was wearing my husbands shirt and a pair of sleeping shorts and even have the pics I had taken not too long before [B] showed up. And had fallen asleep shortly after eating) So since I have found this out it has opened everything back up the me blaming myself and everything but I know what happened, and because so many people are saying all those lies about MY story I feel the strength to get out here and tell the real true story because I was the one that was raped, I am the survivor, I endured the pain and trauma I am the one being kept up from the nightmares. No one else should tell MY story except for me (not my husband, not his ex, not his family nor his friends)and it should be told when I am ready. So that is my story and after over a year I am finally ready to share the truth.