Lou’s Story: Someone I Trusted

yes he did sexually assault me. Yet still I blame myself. It was me who washed away my self hatred with the drinks that he poured. It was me who became intoxicated. It was me who didn’t say no. It was me. It was all me. However he knew. He knew full fucking well that if I was not intoxicated, I would not let him do what he did. That night. That Friday night was when it all began. I suppose it wasn’t until the next day it really hit me. I cried. I cried so fucking much. He broke me. I lost myself. He manipulated me into allowing it to happen again. I was weak. I cared what other people thought. I did not want to be the prude, frigid girl. I gave in. It had already happened once, who cares if it happens again. That is what I told myself. But I cared. I still care. I never wanted it. Never. He disgusts me. The thought of his fat fingers feeling me down. His ugly smile; his dumb, evil smile. His disgusting skin. His horrible physique. Disgusting. He makes me sick.

The thing that he needs to learn about consent is that if the person is too intoxicated to give consent – it is fucking sexual assault. That is simply what happened that night.

He managed to entwine himself into my life; making up malicious lies, hanging on the the knowledge that I cared. I cared what other people thought. He knew it, he played on it. I spiralled into his game. His disgusting game. I am still stuck, to an extent. If I was free, he wouldn’t be. That’s all I know. That’s how I know I’m still stuck.

The thing that probably sickens me the most is that I doubt he even knows what he has done. How crushed my insides are. How stubborn I have become. The barrier I put up. The emptiness inside me. That’s what he has done. He has mentally forked out my insides. I loath him; with a slight degree of sympathy.

If I was placed in a room with him, I wouldn’t be scared. I can deal with him, I can put up with him. The thing that would scare me, would be myself. I don’t think that I could sit there, while he is blissfully unaware of the immense pain he has released inside me, like a drug, however with the opposite effect; a drug that hasn’t left my body since that night.