Lorraine’s Story: He was my best friend

I cannot believe I am doing this, but I have to get this off my brain. He was my best friend. The friend that held me when my father passed away. The friend that consoled me through a cancer scare. He was my fellow “nerd” that loved Star Wars and collected figures along side me.

We met several years ago at work. He is married with four children, so we were always platonic. Well we were until he decided to kiss me one night. We had an emotional affair after that. I was going through a lot of things and he was there to help me through it. I ended it because I realized I wanted more and truly saw him as just a friend. He agreed and everything was fine. Months went by, we got back to our “normal” friendship. Until one late night at work…..

That work day he was especially flirty. I didn’t think anything of it because we have always been playful with one another. As the day turned into a late night, his joking/flirting started getting reminiscent of our emotional baggage and I told him enough. I had no intentions of being in that situation again with him. He agreed.

One by one our other coworkers left, leaving just the two of us. I was busy working on a project when he stopped by my cubicle to chit chat. Everything was fine. It was our usual banter. Then he made a flirty comment and I jokingly said something back. He then attacked my mouth. He forced his penis inside of my mouth and wouldn’t let my head up. I was in physical pain and in complete shock. Once he finished, I couldn’t speak and just started sobbing and gathering my things, trying to get out and away as quickly as I could. He saw my face and heard my sobs and immediately fell to his knees begging for forgiveness.

I literally couldn’t speak. I just started violently shaking and was trying to compose myself enough to get out the door. He started crying, begging me to say something. I couldn’t. I left. He started texting me, apologizing. I had never seen him behave way. I texted him, finally, and told him we’d speak tomorrow.

The next day, he was crying and so worried. He begged for a chance to redeem himself as a friend. I was still in shock, so I agreed to keep out professional. This happened in October… my life has been hell since.

The secret finally got to me. Last week, I confronted my “best friend” and told him he never had my consent. I told him that night changed me forever. I snapped. I told him I know longer want him in my life. I’m currently looking for another job. My best friend now makes my skin crawl.

I loved him once. I cared enough about him and his family to end our emotional affair. And I never feared him. Now I know that sometimes people can show their true colors under duress. Now I do fear him. Since that night, I have nightmares. I have panic attacks at work. I fear going into the building. He keeps apologizing. He keeps begging. I told him he will never be a part of my life again.

He was my best friend. And he hurt me more than anyone will ever know. My trust in men ended that night. I have always been fearless, now I get anxiety if I go shopping or anything and a man speaks to me.

He was my best friend…. And he orally raped me. And I’m haunted by the ghost of that night.