Samantha’s Story: A Letter to Myself

Samantha’s Story: A Letter to Myself

Dear me,

Tomorrow something is going to happen to you that will change your life. What I want you to know is that the police will not help you. It is not your fault. His anger will overcome him and the rape will be a struggle for him to prove his control and power over you. I wish that you did not have to go through this. You will struggle for a long time and I am writing you still struggling with the emotions that face you. You will be covered in bruises in the morning and find photographs that he took of you naked and unconscious in his phone. I wish that I could say that your persistence with going to the police would work out, but I cannot say that, because I would be lying.

The state police will call you names and they will degrade you as a person. They will not seek out justice against your rapist. They have no plan to, even if they seem like they will when you first report it. They will gain your trust, just as your rapist did, and then betray you. You will find that this is something that a lot more people will do after your rape and for the rest of your life. You will find out in a few short weeks that the police will bring more heartache than help to you. Do not trust them. No justice is in your future.

You will find yourself in the following months beating yourself up in ways that you did not think was possible. You will try many coping strategies and NONE of them will be healthy. You will have panic attacks when you see police officers, because your rapist was a police officer. He will keep his job for 9 months after your rape and you will run into him on duty and cry your eyes out in horror.

The one thing that you will find in this process is your voice. It is quite possibly the only thing that you have left after you have been torn apart from everything else. Do not be silenced. Not for you, but for other victims who are looking to you for some reason to keep going. Try and be there for them. You will find a little solace in helping others find peace. However, my dear, peace just isn’t in your future. Justice isn’t in your future. I’m sorry I cannot change it and I am sorry for the destruction I have and will cause you.

With my apologies,

me.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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