Lacy’s Story: Too Many

I don’t know where i should write this, but i want people to know the effects of PTSD after sexual agression. I have not found yet how to heal from it. I had two major events and a lot of little ones including unwanted touch. I forgot about the most traumatic event to protect myself. At least that is what i learned in therapy. I had one event in the daylight in front of my school on a normal street. I’m scared to get out of my appartment since one year. When i get out, i’m anxious, try to avoid people and feel safe only inside buildings or my car locked. I live in secure appartment with security system. Even with that, i’m always scared, double lock my front door and put a chair in front of it to feel safe. I was diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder in October 2018. Since that i can’t work, focus, deal with emotions and stress. I study to be a social worker, because i believe teaching about consent is the most important point to make a change for men and women. I’m on medication, my doctor is always worried about suicidal ideas. I don’t want to go to a dark place, i want to fight to change things and make sure what happened to me will help others don’t get in that situation or know what to do to heal from it. For now i feel like the only way to heal will be to take back power over my life. The man from the daylight event was arrested, he received 18 months of prison by victim(25 victims on 5 years). It was not the most traumatic, but there is hope. Also, i believe abusers are sick, they need to heal too. I’m not saying that out of anger. I think they are doing that because they have to fill a need for touch or love that they can’t get in other way. I gratuaded, university certificate in sexual health. I learned why they act that way and what make people become abusers. Them being sick, does not excuse what abusers do, but it explains it. If we work as a society on the explaination, we will change perception of sexual assault.

As for the events,

Daylight i was walking on the street when a motocyclist stoped beside me and asked me the directions of the university. I told him where it was. He then «fell» and grapped my right boob. I remember him laughing and smiling, i don’t remember apologies, only a «oops». I remember him then going in the wrong direction. I told myself something was off. I wonderer if i should tell anyone. A year later, i saw on the news a video of this man doing the same strategy on another girl. I then remembered that event and did a deposition to the police. We were 25 victims of the same strategy.

Traumatic, it was a second tinder date. We were at the back of my car on a parking lot beside a park. He was insistant and wanted me to go to the hotel with him to have sex. He told me he would «make me blush of pleasure». From the start i felt okay, even told him i had a condom, could make oral sex (my mistake). He then tried to touch my boobs. I was not feeling well about it, i nervously laughed and pushed his hand away. He then tried again, his hand going between my tights. He touched my clitoris. I took his hand again and pushed it away. i closed my coat and got in the opposite corner of the car. He laughed and told me that i didn’t know what i was missing and that i would call him back when i will want more. He got out of my car. I drived home like nothing happened. A week later he send me a text to see again. I told him i was not okay with what he did. He laughed again. i told him i never want to talk to him again. I felt small, stupid, dirty. One month later he text me as nothing happened. I totally forgot about it(as i was thinking), i don’t recognise him, don’t make the link or anything. He talks to me, then i remember and tell him if he ever come talking to me i will report to the police. Again saying it was not okay. I blocked him.

After the motocyclist event, everything came back, all my memories. I did report to the police. They told me that the consent was blurred, because i offered oral sex. I explained that consent do not apply on every sexual act and can be taken back at every moment. That i closed my coat, sit in the corner of the car and pushed back his hands twice, it is a relevant sign that i DID NOT consent. The officer told me that he would not send my file to justice because of the blurred consent. Have he did investigation?No. Has he talked to the guy? No. My file just stayed there and one day he decided he would call me to say nothing was done and just get over it. I was very angre and told him to send the file anyway, it was not his work to judge it and he did nothing to help. He send it. The crown prosecuter then explained that nothing can be done, it is too late. Also, my case is not serious enough to be investigated. I was really angry. I learned after i was more angry about myself my naivety, but also because i felt shame and guilt. I was feeling guilty about not telling. Ther would have been less victims from the motocyclist if i had spoke sooner. I felt the same about the other one. What if there was other victims of him because i spoke too late?

Now i know my experience is not the worst. I also know that justice for the victims is hard when the victims are blamed. Same as what i was told. I offered him oral sex, i am to blame. So, the prostitute who offers sex for living, if she is abused, it was not abuse, she consent because it was her job and she offered sex?
I really hope mentalities will change.

Thank You

Lacy