K.Y.’s Story: Twice, never reported.

As my title explains I’ve been raped twice. I’ve struggled through the years being able to confidently describe the events as “rapes” despite the clear verbalization to my attackers that I did not want to have sex.

The first time I was 16 and he was an older (18-19yr. old) ex boyfriend. He had wanted to me to be his ” home girlfriend” when he was on his breaks. I didn’t want this, but I did want to meet up with him after We hadn’t seen each other for months. I came to his place and he had decided he would get intimate. I was not, and still have difficulty with, being very outright with my feelings. I told him I wasn’t ready, and didn’t want to have sex with him. He took this as a passive complaint and had sex with me anyways, We had a silent drive, while he took me to work. I didn’t speak to him again.

The second time was when I was 19, and I had been visiting a friend in a different city. We had joked that I would hit on one of her love interest’s friends, as a way to get her love interest involved with her more seriously. The friend fell for it, and he was interested, but more so than I was. He took me to his room while I was extremely intoxicated. I kissed him but that was the only consensual thing that happened that evening. He took off my clothes, and when I pushed him off, said ” I don’t want to do this!” He responded, ” Well we’re already into it” and continued. After he was done, I cried and he took me back to the room of my friend. He seemed surprised that I didn’t want to stay the night with him.

I felt terrified and once again like I was not really in charge of my own body. I spent time feeling like what I did with myself was up to me to a certain point.

The next day I left to my own city and got a rape kit done. The clinician there informed me that because alcohol was involved ” it would be more harm than good to report this to the police.” ” You’ll just end up spending a year or more in court reliving the experience, and you likely won’t get anything from it”

Of course she didn’t know I would be reliving the experience for years, How it would impact my ability to embrace myself as a woman, or how it would cripple my self worth. How it would keep me feeling that any good intentioned male would be perceived as yet another vulture praying on me,

I saw a sexual assault counsellor for a while, I’ve seen a psychiatrist. I’ve over come an eating disorder that stemmed from the first incident.

I am now in a healthy relationship, which took years to develop. This has a lot to do with my overcoming my own insecurities. I am now someone who can be proud of who they are, not just in terms of success but in terms of being happy with themselves in general. I am not done with my quest in self fulfilment, or success. But I am on the journey to loving myself, like I did before.