Kiara’s Story: Used and Confused

I was 17 years old, it was August 2016. It was the summer going into my senior year. It had been crazy summer but a great one none the less. I was staying with my best-friend (let’s call her G) during the time so we were at her apartment. We went out to the park and that’s where I met him. Let’s call him A. A was 19 and had a daughter but seeing as I didn’t really want to date him it didn’t matter. We all smoke so he asked us if we would like to smoke and we said yes. He seemed harmless and my best-friend and I were very adventurous people so we didn’t really get nervous. Plus there was 2 of us. Back at the apartment we smoked got to know each other better and within a few days we did end up dating. He was a little unhinged but still I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and that he just had a hard life. After a few days we started fooling around but seeing as I was virgin I didn’t want to have sex until I turned 18 in November. And I was on my period as well so that was another reason to wait. At first I thought he was okay with it. But after those few days of fooling around things changed. It wasn’t enough for him. While showering together in G’s bathroom he started saying how he couldn’t and didn’t want to wait that long for sex. And how he was 19 and didn’t need to wait for a 17 year old. I got upset and got into the shower partially clothed and sat on the shower floor crying and arguing with him. He didn’t want to see cry so he picked me and apologized. I thought that was the end of it. Minutes later he pushed me down to my knees and made me put my mouth on him. I didn’t think it was wrong because I didn’t say no. And then he picked me off the floor and turned me around. We had done things anally. Which was just to please him because I wanted him to want me. I thought it would be enough to satisfy him and stay true to myself. Have at least a little bit of dignity. He was rubbing himself on my back and I thought we were going to do it again but without warning he entered me. With a tampon still inside of me. In shock I stood there for a minute as he thrusted before I told him that he went in there and I had a tampon in. There wasn’t any remorse he acted as if it was a silly accident and since he already put it in there that we may as well continue. He made to take the tampon out and continued. I stood there with the my mind blank, taking it, thinking that it was all my fault. He pulled out and finished on my leg. He said nothing and left me in the shower to clean myself off. I didn’t think this was rape. I thought it was an accident and I didn’t say no so it was my fault.

It wasn’t until I got with my current boyfriend, which I thank everyday for being in my life, who I had known since I was 15 that he explained to me that it was indeed rape. I secretly hoping for my first time to be with him. And while talking and realizing that my choice was taken from me it killed me. We were talking about our sexual past and I went further into detail he reiterated that it was rape. And I was still trying to deny it by saying since we did stuff anally and that I didn’t say no it was the same thing, that it didn’t matter. He helped me understand that just because I didn’t say no doesn’t mean it was a yes. And he explained to me that I had only consented to one form of sex and by him taking my virginity without my consent, it was raped. After it finally dawned on me that he was right and I never felt so dirty. And he held me all night long as I cried and I came to terms with that fact that I was a victim of rape. I had always thought being raped meant a stranger taking you by force or screaming for the predator to stop. But this is also rape. And I’m sharing my story not only to give myself closure but so if any body who reads this and might have gone through something similar and you’re trying to make excuses or blame yourself, this isn’t your fault and you’re not alone. It still burns my tongue to say this happened to me out loud. And if you only consent to one form of sex and nothing else it is still rape. Thank you for letting me share.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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