Kate’s Story: I’m Tired of Not Speaking Up

Hi. This is hard for me, but I feel more ashamed every time I think of it that I’m not talking about it or doing something productive. When I was around 12 years old I had a flashback of being sexual abused when I was about 4 years old. I didn’t know what to do or what to think. Sometimes I tell myself it never happened and that I’m making it up. But there is no way I could just randomly stumble upon this idea, and it scares me to admit to myself that it was real. It was my old babysitter’s oldest son. He was also a good friend of my older brother. I really loved that family but my one memory I have, I remember knowing it wasn’t right and I was terrified of him and what would happen to me if I didn’t do what he said. Sometimes I wonder how it has effected my life and my intimate relationships. For years I told myself I was a lesbian, and didn’t trust men (after staying in an abusive relationship with a man who forced me to have sex when he wanted and would verbally abuse me when I didn’t). Sometimes I blame my childhood abuse on the fact that I stayed with a man for so long who used my body but would shower me with love in every other way. I once told my counsellor and they wanted me to come forward with the person who abused me. But I couldn’t (and before this I would always wonder why anyone would let these terrible sick people go without punishment) but now I know. Telling anyone is sometimes the hardest thing imaginable. Let alone going through with the process to seek this person out and doing something about it. I tell myself he could be out there hurting more innocent children and its my duty to bring this out in the open. When the moment came, I froze and said I didn’t know for sure and backed out and learned to keep it to myself. It has directly effected my sex life and I hope to find a way to fix some of the hidden effects on my life.