Anonymous Story: I’ll never get justice

I’m now in my 20s but when I was 12 I had a detention with a particular male teacher because I kept missing homework. We talked and agreed I would have extra lessons with him to make sure I could make progress. He was always as long as I can remember patting girls on the shoulder or head, but I remember so clearly the time as I left he patted me on my bottom the first time. My heart stopped but I told myself it was just one of those things. Then next week he did it again. It became a regular thing that he would be very touchy but I just accepted it. It went on for 2 years that he would always be a little too familiar and too physically close for comfort.

Then when I was 14…. it happened. He kissed me. We were both shaking, and it was so confusing because I felt like I’d let it happen even though I never wanted it and it made me feel utterly sick. He made me swear not to tell anyone because we would both get into trouble. I’d heard about child abuse of course I had but I somehow convinced myself this wasn’t it. He didn’t kiss me again for a few months, but when he did he began touching me more intimately. Then touching and kissing became more regular and eventually he started trying to get me to touch him down there but I resisted. By now it was just expected. If we had a teaching session at the end he would want to kiss, and he would want to touch me, and he was by this time touching my private parts. It was so utterly disgusting and shameful. I was permanently sore and nauseous, and felt like I permanently smelled of my intimate parts. Eventually I had to go to the doctor and she took a swab and it turned out I had a bacterial infection which she explained by saying it “must be” because I didn’t wipe properly after going to the bathroom. I knew the truth though. I knew it was because of where he was putting his fingers.

I began self harming at the age of 15 and lost a lot of weight. He began to see me less and eventually it just never happened again. I never told a single person until a couple of years ago and a friend persuaded me to go to the police. I made statements and they went off to talk to him. Then weeks later I discovered. He died 5 years ago. And I’m left with what happened knowing he will never face justice for wrecking my teenage years.