Jurity’s Story: He Was My Dad

I was about nine or ten, It all started after i got my first period. It began with him showing me porn and having me touch him. He said that he was showing me things that I needed to learn since I was becoming a woman but we had to keep it a secret. I though that it was normal, that every girl was learning the things that I was being taught. As time went on I started to question things, I remember being in the sixth grade asking my friends if the experienced somethings without giving away too much. As I got older it kept getting worse. No one in my family knew. Every time he called me into his room when my mother wasn’t home made me want to cry. I always knew what was coming it was either he made me touch him or he touched me. one day haunts me more than anything. One day my body reacted. My body liked it. I resented myself after that, I was in absolute disgust with myself. As time went on i started to feel numb every time he abused me. I remember looking up at the ceiling and feel nothing. I didn’t even realize it was sexual abuse until I reached eight grade. The last time I was abused I was in high school, it was my freshman year. One day I had been scared to go home I thought he was going to rape me. I thought about it all day until my last class. I told a friend at the time what I had been going through, she took me to a guidance counselor that i trusted and told her. She called child services and they took it from there. When they told my mother she cried and I knew instantly that she believed me. I thought things would get better after that and in some ways it did i was no longer getting abused but for years I was struggling to deal with all the emotions and demons I had. it wasn’t until four years ago that I started to feel happy and alive. The days that I do get flashbacks or get sad I try to tell myself well I’m a lucky one it could’ve been worse but abuse is abuse. I guess what kills me the most is that he was suppose to protect me. I guess ill never experience a true father’s love.