JKL’s Story: Naive and Hormonal

The scenario……I was 18 I think, maybe 19. Studying at Uni, had a long term boyfriend but was enjoying meeting lots of other guys and working out who I really wanted to spend my time with. I wasn’t terribly faithful but I never actually slept with any other guys I fooled around with. I was still pretty naive about relationships and sex and men…..and mostly just enjoyed the attention.

So I knew a couple of friends were returning early to Uni after Easter break and I decided to go back early too.

I was in my flat on my own, usually shared with 6 others.

The boys I knew lived nearby so we all met up for a night at the pub. I was not a heavy drinker, I knew 4 pints of cider was my limit and I had only drunk 3 or 4 that night. Also, no matter HOW much I drink, I’m not one of those people to lose consciousness. It would rile me that I would be the one making sure the others got home cos they were out of their minds but I still knew the day, the time, where we were and so on.

After the pub, I went back to the house these guys lived in. One was my age, sweet guy that I quite liked. The other was older….still very sweet but definitely NOT someone I was interested in being with in any way except as a friend.

I remember sitting at their kitchen table looking at photos. I remember being offered some Jack Daniels.

Then nothing.

Next thing I remember was realising I was in this guys room, naked, with him having sex with me.

I also came to realise it was many many hours later.

I don’t remember how I got out of there but I did. Went back to my place, bathed and hid cos I thought I was just the worlds worst…..it NEVER occurred to me that I had done anything against my will. Never.

I was convinced it was my fault and that I had been too brazen and ended up there.

Being so stupid, I continued to be friends with this guy…..we were on the same course and he was a nice guy (so I thought)

But I fell for it again…I remember less of the details this time…..but I do remember once again regaining consciousness, in his room, this time with him and friend in the room. I still had underwear on so I have NO idea what had happened that time.

And yet I still thought it was my fault.

YEARS passed, I never told ANYONE. Still havent apart from one cousin who I needed to warn as she headed off to uni……but after maybe 15 yrs I think I suddenly realised I had been drugged.

The Jack Daniels right before losing the plot suddenly made so much sense.

The loss of consciousness that never happened before and hasnt ever happened since in any other scenario suddenly made sense.

Thankfully I have not seen the guy since although I happen to know where he works as I saw him in passing on LinkedIn. We are both now thousands of miles from our original place of study and a good 100 miles from each other.

I have no interest in taking it up with him but I know one day I need to tell my husband – who was my boyfriend at that time…..but I have no idea how to do that. Its all still a work in progress.

I am glad I don’t have daughters but I feel that I do need to tell my sons one day……

I still find it hard to not think it was my fault, to not think I was leading him on, to not think I was stupid to be there alone and perhaps I was but a normal person would not have date raped me…..they may have taken advantage in a “normal” fashion but I would have been coherent and able to fight it off, call for help, run away…whatever.

So I know its not entirely my fault but I still struggle with that. I know I had intentions that night, just not with that guy!!!!

I also wonder if the other guy ever knew, suspected, had any idea what happened. He was in the same building but probably sound asleep as he had been drinking a fair bit – and he was one of those who lost the plot when he drank.

So here i am, 21 yrs later finally facing it slowly.