Jill’s Story: Daddy You Raped Me

I was raped by my own father from the time I was 8 until I was 17. He was everything from gental andf loving to forceful and very violent. I never quite knew what i was going to be getting or when or where. he started as early as 6 with hid grooming of me before he graduated to rape. I know of about 20 times he raped me so far and they are still horrifing to think about.
The first rape was in my own bed at night and very traumatic. I was is fear for my life and thinking i might die. It felt like I was being sliced in half when he shoved his penis in my vagina. there was lots of pain and blood. His body weight took my breath away all while he was moaning in pleasure. After he ejaculated inside me he just left me there crying in my bed. Alone and scared until the next morning when my mom found me. Wrapped in my favorite blanket with dried blood and seamen on it curled up in the corner. She took away all evidence, cleaned me up and told me to never speake of it again.
I was actually so traumatized that I didnt even remeber until being raped at 12 by my english teacher on the floor of his class room. My mom was notified by my school and once again everyone from the school and my own mom hid it and basically told me I was crazy. She didnt want me thinking about or talking about rape becuse it would come out about my dad in therapy and destroy her precious little world. I still have so much hurt and anger over all of this.
That is what i did until the past few years. Ive kept silent about all the rapes and pain that they inflicted onto me. It has taken me 30plus years to start to come to grips with this. Many tears and heartbreak along the way as I try to heal all this pain. Sad thing is I still love my parents but am to afraid to speak out publicly. Its so not fair that my life has to be filled with hurt and pain while they live happy. Trying to do the best I can but very hard with the memories and body memories still in my head. I try hard everyday not to let this effect my own family and pray to god it never will. Its very scary.
Not sure if posting this will help but needed a safe place to vent.