Jess’s Story: Is He Right, Was It Just A Misunderstanding?

Afternoon my name’s Jess & I’ve recently been through a random situation & I’m not sure how I’m meant to feel about it or if I deserve to feel anything about it all or if I’m just overreacting?

I’ll explain my situation first, so I went to my coworkers house, we’ve been sleeping with each other for months as he’s been blackmailing me with pictures he has & also texts that he’s threatening to send to my ex who I want to try & fix the relationship with. That break up was a messy one in itself & I had to get out quick as things turned violent so this other guy from work offered to let me stay with him which I did before I found myself my own place only a few weeks later.

Things were intense very quickly & he’s never liked it when I’ve told him how I feel & that I can’t keep doing this as it’s killing me inside, he always makes out it’ll be the last time & he’ll be gone for good but says he loves me & how good we’d be if I ever gave us a real chance. Anyway, I went to his the other night & before I went I was enraged, we always argue obviously as neither of us are getting what we want, I felt bad & said fine I will stay with you tonight but I AM NOT doing anything even slightly sexual at all!

We got back we had a few drinks, I broke down in tears for a lot of the evening telling him how horrific & depressed he’s been making me & I thought he’d listened. Anyway I’m epileptic & in certain situations where I get stressed I can have a seizure, this happened & before i knew it i was coming to on his sofa but felt him pulling my underwear down when he was laying behind me.. I couldn’t barely move as my body was exhausted & just laid there but felt him inside me, I couldn’t even barely speak & it took a while for my mind to register what was happening, I think at this stage I just started whimpering but maybe just quietly as he said he couldn’t hear I was upset otherwise he would’ve stopped..
The whole thing was just confusing as I still hadn’t properly come round, he continued then I finally asked him when he was on top from behind what he was doing, it was at that point he carried on but asked if I was ok then suddenly pulled out when i started a bit more audibly crying, then he just got angry saying was he really that small that I didn’t even notice we were having sex..

This is where I’m confused because he’s told me I said yes to a bit of ‘play time’ even though I don’t remember saying it or him asking in the first place..

He’s since apologised & said it was a misunderstanding & not rape, that it’s awful I could think he was capable of that. He keeps wanting to see me again to have ‘a nice day & night’ with him this weekend as he said yet again it would be the final time & he’ll leave me alone but I don’t think I want to be near him, he just wants to pretend it never happened I feel. Am I being horrible by holding a grudge?

I also made it even more confusing by giving into sex with him the morning after what happened as I just didn’t want to fight about it & thought it’d be easier, but then he got angry when I wouldn’t let him come inside me.. I just feel mentally drained & confused..

Was it rape or am I just overreacting? He keeps telling me he didn’t do what he did & that’s not how the situation happened, maybe he’s right but it’s not how I feel, so it’s wrong of me to feel bad myself when he’s telling me he didn’t mean it to come across in that way isn’t it?