It’s Okay To Have Weak Points, It Doesn’t Mean You’re Weak

When someone hurts you in a way that you never thought they were capable of, it does something to you emotionally and physically. You start to doubt that the person that you once were was anything special. That maybe you aren’t worth the fight. That maybe, even though you know it is not your fault, just maybe, you start to think that you deserved it for the person that you were/are.

I know that rape effects people in many, many different levels. My assault shook me to the core and changed the person that I was.

The people that I thought would be there beside me and helping me abandoned me, or worse, they spoke against my character in my trial against my rapist. There are some things in this world I have been able to comprehend and accept. But I cannot comprehend this. I wanted someone to tell me that it is going to be okay. I wanted someone to ask me how I am doing and to tell me that I am strong. I feel like many of the times I am repeating these sentences to myself and not hearing them from others. I wanted the people that had my back to hold their word and be there for me. Some days I feel sad about it. Other days I am angry. It is a constant emotion that changes over and over, but it does seem to get better over time. It has been two years as of tomorrow and I am still wondering why it happened or if I could have done something differently. I am trying to remain positive and notice that some people genuinely are just not good people and that no matter what I do, I know that I am not going to change this.

I know that I cannot change what happened to me, but my God, that is the hardest thing to accept some days. I want so badly to change what happened to me. I want so badly to just wake up and know that it was all just a dream and that my reality is not tainted with the disgusting memories or flashbacks of being violated. I want to have never of met the person that ruined me. I want to go back in time and just, simply have none of it ever happen.

Is that really possible though? No, of course not. But it is a constant inner struggle trying to accept what I cannot change as a PART of me. My rape is a PART of me. Thinking about that makes my skin crawl and I want to just be able to shed my skin from the gross impurity that it represents. I do not want my rapist to be a PART of me. I do not want him to have that much power, but the kicker is, that he had all the power and control in the world and I had nothing. I have the memories of being raped, beaten and violated forever. I think the hardest part is realizing that I was so weak and that I wasn’t as strong as I thought that I was that night.

I wish that no one had to go through this torture. I wish I could bring solace to those who have faced it, because I know how much it hurts and how lonely the battle of healing feels. This is going to be an uphill battle for me probably for the rest of my existence. You can stay positive all the time and advocate for change and do not get me wrong, I love to advocate. However, at the end of the day we all have bad days, bad weeks, bad months, bad years, bad decades… I know that I am at a weak spot right now and in a way I am happy that I am able to recognize that about me.

It is okay for me to be weak sometimes. I do not have to always put up the survivor face and seem unaffected by such a traumatic and life changing event. I was weak when I was raped and I did not have a voice. I did not have power. I DO NOW though and I am fine to acknowledge that survivors are going to struggle consistently and go through periods that seem hopeful and periods that seem hopeless in their healing. But, never ever give up. Had I given up after everything happened, I wouldn’t have graduated with my Master’s. I wouldn’t have seen my mother graduate college. I wouldn’t have been there to encourage survivors who reached out to me for help. I wouldn’t have been able to speak at events and educate officers on the PROPER protocols for investigating a rape case. I wouldn’t have met the amazing and wonderful people I have met or had the amazing experiences I have had. We as survivors are all worth fighting for and we are all brave and strong. It does get better. Weak days happen. Weak months happen. But in the end, we make it and that alone is admirable and inspiring.

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