Ht’s Story: I Didn’t Even Know His Name

I’m Canadian and was in Spain, I was on vacation there for two months and was so excited because I could never really afford to take vacations throughout my childhood. So being 18 and free there seemed like the best thing to do. A few days after I turned 19, my friend wanted to go to a Brazilian guys apartment. She felt nervous to go by herself- so I went with her, he had a friend who I would hangout with. I had mixed feelings about going because I had a boyfriend and didn’t know the guy but felt like I was so cool and adventurous for meeting new people aboard.

It seems so obvious to me now- I mean it was 2:00 am, we had been drinking and they had been drinking. I would have never went there had I been back home. My friend went into another room with the guy she had been speaking to and I was left alone with his friend.

We couldn’t communicate at all- I spoke only english and spanish and he only understood portuguese. I remember when he kissed me I said I had a boyfriend, he kissed me again, and so I told him “no i have a boyfriend”. He then got on top of me and started to take off my shirt and lift my skirt up… I know that i kept crying and kept saying please no but I can’t say much more other than the fact that my body completely froze and all I could think about was yelling. I felt like I was yelling but nothing came out. I remember just completely getting lost in my thoughts and thinking about how my parents would react, how my boyfriend back home would feel, and why I couldn’t stop it.

It felt like hours but was probably less than twenty minutes. When he was finished he looked at me and left, my friend came in and saw me crying and we immediately left. She told me to go to the hospital and to report it to the police but I just wanted to go home.

She stayed with me the next day and let me cry it out. I didn’t really tell her exactly what happened but I think she knew.

It’s months later and I haven’t told anyone else about this, I told my friend it was my fault and my decision and to just forget it ever happened. We went our separate ways after Spain and I only hear from her every so often.

It wasn’t until recently that I recognized what happened to me only recently. I know it was rape. I still can’t shake the feeling of shame and guilt. I feel like if I had just tried more it wouldn’t have happened. I feel horrible for not telling my boyfriend and I feel lost.

I didn’t even know his name, can’t remember his face, but I remember exactly how i felt when he was touching me… i felt cold and scared. I get those feelings or panic when I smell something like him or when I see someone like him and it doesn’t ever stop.
I’m scared to tell anyone this, which is why i’ve chosen to do it anonymously.