Anonymous Story: I knew exactly how they felt

I watched the documentary Audrie and Daisy today. It hit me like a ton of bricks. When I heard their stories and watched their tears fall I knew exactly how they felt. I was them. I am them. When I was 17 I was raped. I went to my first ever party. I hadn’t really drank before. I wanted to be cool like almost any 17 year old girl. It was the summer before senior year. I was ready to have the time of my life. One of my friends was having a house party that night and I lied to my parents saying I was sleeping over at one of my girlfriends house. Now I grew up with an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive father. I am not saying that makes it ok to lie but I had a lot of issues even before my rape. So I went to this party with people I thought I trusted. The guy that hosted it had been my friend since 6th grade. Well boys started to just throw alcohol at me. They were telling me how fun I was to be around and how great at partying I was. The boy I had a crush on showed up and the last thing I remember is being dragged into a bedroom and then I passed out. I woke up with a shirt and nothing else on and I smelled like alcohol and puke. I woke up around 6 am. No one was around. I found my clothes something just felt weird. I was a virgin so I had no idea what having sex was like but I knew my body just felt different. Later that morning I got home and people started texting me things like “You are so freaky when you drink” and “We should party together sometime” and “Heard you lost your virginity last night”. Well turns out I did and I had no idea. Later one of my friends that basically witnessed it but did not stop it said my crush raped me and then left after he was finished. Apparently a handful of other boys watched it happen too. I was mortified. The boy who raped me was a golden boy. Everyone loved him. I thought that if I said anything no one would believe me. I never told anyone. I just buried it. I stared at this boy in band everyday. Shuttered at his smiles. Even years after the event I went home and hung out with some people from high school and one of the boys who watched my assault said “Remember that one party in high school? You loved to get frisky then.” I immediately left and sat in my car and just broke down. My life since the assault has been shaped by it. Watching Audrie and Daisy brought everything back. I admire the people who are brace enough to speak out about their assault. I sadly was not. I will never forgive myself for not speaking out.