Julia’s Story: He Used Me

This was the second time I’d been raped. I’d been using sex as a coping mechanism to deal with my feelings from being raped the first time. I went out to buy cigarettes with a friend of mine from a 27 year old man she’d met online. We had a deal, 4 packs for $20. When we got to the school where we were going to make the trade, he asked me to come into a private hidden area so that nobody would see it which seemed reasonable at the time. As soon as we were out of sight he grabbed me and forced me to my knees. He said if I screamed he’d beat me. He silently pulled down his pants and forced himself into my mouth. I could hardly breathe. He pulled me up by my sweater and pushed me against the wall. He pulled up my skirt and down my underwear. His hand my around my neck and he began to have sex with me. I didn’t know what to do. When he was done with me he dropped the cigarettes on the ground and left without a word. I sat crying until my friend came over. I didn’t tell her that we had sex. But I did tell her about the other parts. I was scared to tell anyone because I had been doing something illegal and I would’ve gotten in trouble if the police had known. I didn’t want to face the social repercussions of being raped by an adult especially when most of my friends were virgins and didn’t know that I’d been raped previously too. I was ashamed by my body and of myself​. I opted to never tell anyone. But everyday when I wake up, when I go to sleep, everytime I become intimate, I think about that day and how he probably doesn’t even remember me.