Her Story: he broke me

I need to be busy
Busy.
Busy.

When I stop, everything comes flooding back.
Washes over me.
Drowning.
Drowning.
Tears flowing.
Again.

I said no.
I said please stop.
I said I don’t want to.
Why didn’t he stop?
He kept asking why
I don’t want to.
‘Why not’
‘Why not’
‘Why not’
I don’t have a reason.

How did this happen?

Too long spent staring at that wall.
If I can’t stop it.
Why even bother fighting.
I lay there.
Naked.
Afraid.
Staring at the wall.
Blank mind.
Can’t smile.

‘This wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t look so hot in those panties’
THIS IS MY FAULT.

I lead him on.
Drunk.
Not in control.
I lead him on.
This wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t take my shorts off.

‘It’s just supposed to be fun.’
Not fun.
Blank.

I kept saying no.
I keep saying no.
NO I don’t want to.

Doesn’t listen.
Pain.
Pain.
‘No one is going to find out’
More pain.

‘Why are you uncomfortable? I don’t get it’
NO I don’t want to.
Dirty.
Unclean.
Pain.
So much pain.

‘I don’t get it’
Echo.
Echoed one thousand times.

‘Explain it to me. I don’t get it. This is supposed to be fun’
I don’t want this.
I DON’T WANT THIS.
Doesn’t listen.
Why?
Why.

‘I just want to fuck you’
I don’t.
Blank.
Tune out.
Please stop.

‘Just give me one minute. You’ll start to enjoy it.’
Pain.
I don’t want to.
I do not want to.
More pain.
Blank out.

‘You seemed so keen 15 minutes ago? What happened?’
Please just stop.
Please stop.
Less drunk.
More aware.
Please stop.

‘It’s just supposed to be fun, fuck’
Not fun.
Sickness.
Blank again.
Stare at the wall.
Again.

‘You just need to separate physical and emotional’
Both hurt.
Both hurt.
Please stop.
Pain.

Well, I’m really horny so…’
No more.
Please leave.
PLEASE leave.
Relief.
Pain.
Confusion.

Upset.
All upset.
Sickness.

He was my friend.
He was supposed to be my friend.
He was supposed to look after me.
He broke me.