Harris’ Life Story

Harris’ Life Story

I am a special boy.My name is Harris Jose.My nickname is Harry.ഹാരീസ്.हैरिस
hairis[pronunciation].My house name is Chiramel Konikkadan. My Mummy’s name is Gloria and my Father’s name is Jose.My father was born on 24-1-60 and my mother was born on 30-10-62.I born on 2.8.88,born on Friendship week.I am a Leo born.According to Hindu stars sign,my star sign is Uttara[Uttaram].I am considering myself as a character like what the word august means.Yes,I consider myself as a guest to every new place.I am bright white in complexion and slim type bodied and 6 feet and 1 inch tall,and 80 kilograms in weight.My baptized name in Vendore,Thrissur is Harris[Vareed].My daddy did not ask my mummy for any dowry[sthreedhanam],because ,my mummy’s parents did not have a job that time and they did not have enough money and also because my mummy had a government job in State Bank Of India with financial requirement.My mother had a deepest desire for becoming a film actress,but the circumstances after her marriage in Thrissur did not allow her to do acting.My daddy had little baldness right from my birth,but his personality is great.Now he has full of hair on his head.I admired my daddy from my childhood and made him faces.His smiles were great for me.His smiles relieved from my loneliness.My mummy always says that Harris depressed because he did not get his daddy.My first word as a child,was Dada ,not amma.My daddy’s first vehicle was the Kinetic Honda bike after he took license from Goa,after that he bought a Bajaj Pulsar 150cc,and together with it,he bought an Alto Spin car,and then he sold both the vehicles and he bought a Dream Yuga bike which is only 125 cc and a white Ciaz Maruti car ,during the last year.I like to travel so much especially in trains and buses because my daddy is also a train controller and he has given me a free travel all over India from Rameshwaram till Kashmir.I always wanted to be with my daddy but his lovable attitude to my siblings always made me surprised,while I also care for them.My daddy says to me,that a father and a son cannot be intimate while I look tensed at him.My daddy was attracted by everyone because of his admiration towards the song,”I have a dream,A song to sing”,from the music album,ABBA. I am from Thrissur,Kerala,my parents belong to Thrissur,the central region ,cultural capital of Kerala.My father was brought up in Pudukad,Vendore,Thrissur but my mother is brought up in Rajarah,Bhilai,Chhattisgarh[Madhya Pradesh].I was particularly brought up in a land of festivals,land of Shiva temple.The place Thrissur,which is and became my favorite,has many specialities.It is firstly famous for the Thrissur pooram which is very famous all over the world.The city is situated around a hillock ground where,the Shiva temple is situated.When the moon rises,the pooram star comes in the city which is situated around a hillock ground where,the Shiva temple[Vadakkunathan] is situated. The pooram festival is famous for its beats,music,crowd,26 or 28 elephants,colorful umbrella show,golden attractive nettipattom exhibiton shows,morning sky illumination shows[which continues throughout 20 or 25 minutes at dark time during early morning], sample skyfall firecracker illumination show in the midst of the city,heartpounding[heart breaking sounds].Thrissur people are highly cultured,well behaved,lovable,well mannered,sensitive,god-fearing,fun-loving, innocent and witty,too.There are many movie artists from Thrissur including Innocent chetan[a genuine god fearing christian comedian kerala actor,who is the president of kerala film association],Manju Warrier chechie[who is Kerala’s beloved],Bhavana chechie,Lena Kumar chechie[who also studied in my school and who is 6 or 7 years elder than me and who also know my mother very well as her father worked with my mother in SBI.].During the past 4 years,many malayalam movies were released which was golden era for Thrissurites.Thrissur people has a witty and funny slang[dialect], of malayalam language which is different from southern and northern parts of Keralam[Kerala]. I was born in Bhilai,Madhya Pradesh,and after that my daddy’s appa called me to be baptized in Vendore,Thrissur in my daddy’s homeland and till 12 years of my age,from 1989,,I did my primary schooling till 4rth standard in Margao and I was enrolled in primary schooling when I was only 2 year old,because my parents went for government service,Goa and I was brought up in Curchorem-Sanverdem in Goa.That time I was nursed and brought up as a child and toddler by Goan lady hands.Her name is Philo.In Goa.At Goa flat,I used to go to nearby muslim sheikh flat where a mate Rahil stays and I dance in front of his mother to the song Yaayire.I was just crazy.His mother and him laughs at me seeing my imitation of that Yaayire dance.My daddy did not like me going and communicating with the Muslim family living next door.He always feared and threatened me not to go there.I was a child then and I did not know what’s the reason behind it and why he is saying like that.I thought my daddy is from pure kerala roman catholic christian background,so that’s why he is saying like that to me.My mummy is christian too but latin type in Central India and every churches have a muslim mosque in front of it in every places of Central India.So,my mother has no differentiality between christians and muslims.But one day,I again went to their home next to our flat and my daddy came to know it from their family itself,and my daddy knew that Harris is a happy and gay child ,also an artist and he knows if any Islam father will know about daddy’s son,no one will spare Harris and my daddy has beaten me on the face with a bamboo stick and my lower lips bleeded with pain and I cried.After that,on the request of my mother,my daddy has never beaten me till now.Being gay,was a sin in those times.There were no freedom of love like that in those times.

One day when my parents both went for work in Goa, my servant-maid named “K” [who hails from Palakkad],were only there with me and she abused and raped me ,when I was only a 5 year old,but I look like a grown up,but I feared to tell this incident to my parents due to fear of rejection.My daddy used to beat her,when once she tried to steal money from his purse.I told this incident to my small brother but he was too small to understand the feeling of getting abused.When I was there in Goa and after I was raped and abused by that adivasi malayali girl,I did not want to reveal it to my daddy and mummy,because if I tell I will feel guilty and dirty about a woman who raped me when I was only 5 years old,because I do not know what sex is,what body touching is.I thought my daddy may have known about it,but he has never known about it.He tries to punish her for other small small mistakes,but this thing,no body knew.

I started to consider and think like this that are every woman are like men.Why should a girl rape me?Am I not a boy!!?Is this girl raped me and abused me,because she was abused and raped before by somebody in Kerala?And she wanted to take revenge,because of that person ,on me,the innocent me.Why should she do that?Usually during toddler childhood period of boys,boys get love from same age boy friends.Why is this like this.So,I started to know and find myself right from when this happened.I started thinking because I am a woman-like,that’s why the woman maid servant abused and raped me,so I thought I should not mingle with any of my same age boy mates,so that I will hurt them,and I thought I became myself dirty because of this servant girl,and why should I make others dirty and isolated.So,I started making myself pure and good to be seen by everyone.I always started to concentrate in my books and studies and in prayers with my mummy and family members,when I started living in Thrissur.She always smiles and do her work at home.My sub conscious did not leave her,even if I forgot the incident.I was feeling ashamed of myself.I did not have any same age cousin brothers ,only cousin sisters.I was feeling inside like a woman because at the age of 5 ,I was forcefully made to love the scent of a woman,even if I did not know anything about it.Everyone who watches me can read my mind from my face that what is in Harris’ mind.And whenever my daddy and mummy tell me to play with other boys,when they play any ball or anything ,I do not go near them,I remain silent and like a statue looking at them,playing and remain like that for several minutes and wandered alone in the terrace.My daddy and mummy became so confused seeing my behaviour.I thought ,I will hurt them like this adivasi woman did to me and no friends will come near me,but it happened like that,seeing my facial expressions,no one comes near me,and they go with other friends.They thought that was better.Like that was my story of being alone always.I made myself pure,prayerful,and I thought I am a white beauty and attractive and why should I abuse boys and hurt them,as that black beauty maid servant did to me.I am never going to be bad and abusive type.No one understood me and everyone misapprehend me and did not even come near me.For that God will punish and not me.

Or,is this abuse incident by the woman servant maid,an imaginary story made by me which became real.No,I am confused.I cannot remember a thing what happened,when I was 5 years old.Yes,It is real story.I told this abuse incident to my mother ,when I was 24 years old.My mother never knew like this will happen because the servant maid was a malayali adivasi girl who always smiles with showing her teeth.

Once ,I remember in Goa,during Ganesh Chaturthi festival celebrations,at night,while I was walking with my parents who was cuddling my small brother,me only stumped my small leg which had cream light shoes on it,into a fresh cow dung and my feet fully became immersed in it,and I walked little bit after taking my leg from it,but I pulled my mummy’s hand and said to her and showed this,and my mummy complained this to my daddy,who was walking in front of her,so he said,oh,let it be like that,and that he cannot see any water tap nearby.Whenever,I wandered alone thinking about,something is there with me or why is it happening to me only and I started to see everything in my life like a sixth sense.While I as thinking and walking on the terrace like this,there was a chimney near to our flat,it blasted from its top and fire and fumes started to come from it.We all just watched it,as it happens.Nothing unusual about it.To the bottom of our flat which was named Geethanjali Appartments,there was big mango market and a pond space near to it,while when rain falls heavily,frogs comes out from it and loudly cries,and another thing about Goans is that ,they catch these rain frogs and clean and fry it and eat it with food.It’s so tasty,like they say.I liked the Christmas Bebinca cake very much,in Goa.

From Goa itself I had a great anxiety for talking and mingling with fellow mates.I knew some girl is like me who is alone and who needs help. Another pecularity in me ,it’s whenever I see Shah Rukh Khan’s face in any movie in television,I cover my face with shyness.I don’t know what craziness was with me.Then,from when I was 10 years
old,after my parents got transfer to Thrissur, I was brought up in Thrissur,my daddy’s place.I would have easily survived in Goa if I would stayed there and I missed my Goan friends a lot and I used to cry in sleep a lot in Thrissur.I would not say it to anyone because I did not tell goodbye to them while leaving Goa to Thrissur.My daddy never tried to know my feelings.Actually,the reason for coming from Goa is first me,then my daddy and my small brother who was studying in KG-1 got chicken -pox and got life long immunity but my daddy determined to leave Goa in 1996 and I could not write the final examinations of my 2nd standard in class in Margao,Goa and continued again in 2nd std in Thrissur school otherwise I would have been starting in my 3rd std and I would have considered as a senior by my present 2nd std classmates in Thrissur.I did not want anyone of my class to call me as a gay boy or a abused boy.So,also because of this language problem also,I got angry minute by minute for myself for being like this and I was not interested in talking with boys or girls from the starting of Thrissur schooling. I just smile mischieviously looking at the girls.I was also an over thinking,restless,irritable,want more,attention seeking guy even till I finished my late teenage.

Thatswhy I became more anxious and depressed from my childhood and could not convey this anxiety of me to anyone in my class.No one understood my feeling and I remained silent.I thought if I would be in 3rd standard from start of Thrissur school,I would be ok. I thought its like that to be happened and from then I started to dream my life.My daddy sent me to SDA School in Thrissur,because I was more convincing to english language and also because my daddy amma’s [my grandmother] ‘s birthday is on August 7.My daddy always tells me that he was admired about Sreedevi’s acting skills.My daddy works in Railways and my mother works in SBI but due to missing Goa etc: the eagerness to know about my birth place,I remained aloof or silent or sat on a corner and studied.I did not want to hurt anyone.I do not know,why,I was not like other boys of my age.I just smile;so as to it will help to mingle with others,socially, to hide my language problem.In fact it was an ailment for me.Nobody understood that.I hated greatly to attend full day classes from my toddler period in Thrissur,because I never understood this Thrissur malayalam slang.It was incoherable to me.

But there was a classmate of mine who started to sit near me,when no one is noticing and almost he smelt and kissed my cheeks,touches my various body parts,and tells me that Harris is like a deer.But I never talk to him back too closely because of this anxiety and language problem and I had this fetish feeling or haunting feeling,and I never tried to contact him,because his home,I do not know where it is and I do not know what kind of people thrissur people are.,even if I liked him so much,because I do not know,what will happen in the future and I missed his presence.One day another class mate noticed this action from my classmate on me and this another class mate complained to the teacher and the teacher named Saramma ,told me and him and also ordered this another classmate,to wear full pants instead of trousers and enter into 5th standard of the next year.Then after that we both became decent.We or me do not know about others.I never loved to eat lunch during lunch breaks in classrooms,I just hated eating rice and sambhar in classroom.

Due to my language problem,I started to see my childhood malayalam movies like Kilukkam,Minnaram,Manichithrathazhu,Nadodikattu,Pappayude swantham apoos,Thenmavin Kombathu,Meleparambil aanveedu,Maanathe vellitheru,aramanaveedum anjoorekarum,minnaminunginu minnukett etc:,which made it similar to my life,so that I could improve my malayalam responding.I started to study malayalam language from ABCD when I was 11 years old.Many other students also remained silent.But they excelled in their study field.But,me was poor in mingling,talking and conveying useless ideas to fellow students.

Nobody in my class in Thrissur school knew about gay love or brotherly love,even I did not know that time what does the word gay mean and.One of my classmates named [SBM” was a very selfish guy and made others inferior to him,to excel in his study area and he stole my valuables and gifts whenever I show to a group and whenever I tried to tell him about my life in Goa and about my birth place,he try to make fun of me and tell about me to other mates who do not know me, and avoid me coming in a group and all were becoming like that in every level,like coming to school to make fun of me ,grin at me like grinning to a girl and avoid me.I am a victim of it.I did not like him in any ways and I did not want to be more attached to him.He was attractive however he was like allergic to me only or to others and no one in my class,it was mixed class,and I am sure and suppose, no one were too much attached in a gay way.

Every students in my class disliked sex or any forms of sex because every one of them were from different places and they all came to excel their dreams in their studies.I particularly disliked this guy’s behaviour adding to take revenge of what my daddy did to me ,when I went to the muslim flat.My little mind was so sensitive that time.But,every second ,I forget those things and concentrated myself in studies.I enjoyed reading and studying,writing books and reading books were a great fun and informative for me.When I was 11 years old,I bought dolls from my parents and played with it,and I buy cars,kitchen article toys,that times,to play with.I also remember playing cricket outside with my neighbours and cousins,during 2 month vaccations.But,I usually get angry fast,when I become out,after giving many 6 and 4 shots and become angry due to sexual frustration,also,and I throw the bat and shout to others and go to home,and my younger cousins were surprised to see my behaviour.When I grew up as a teenage boy,at my 15th age,I started to play video games like road rash,car racing,gun games,empires war games.My home which was new to me in Thrissur was situated isolated from other homes and there were no nearby homes,and my home was situated in a dark forest area in a corner,in those times.Our school uniforms were also full grey pants and white shirts type with blue tie and black shoes.Every students in my class and all over the school were decent.Although I excelled in all types of artistic activities and competitions.Some people misinterpret my silence for anger.I was a child then.I had to look after my small brother,who also got his neonatal meningitis who was born on 12-12-90,as my parents went to work daily.I cared for him a lot,as he was recovering from his neonatal meningitis stage by stage with persistent fainting and falling down while roaming outside under sun. ,now also I have feelings for him and care him because during childhood,he was the only guy who cared for me in return.

I know malayalam, tamil,kannada ,english languages ;but I do not know how to speak it in a way like the local people talks, because of that, I do not stand or cannot stand local people who comment on me unneccesarily.Also,I do not know many meanings of words used in english,malayalam or hindi languages.I was very shy and choosy and kept smiling always.My school mates called me a crazy love seeing my smiles,everyday when they come to school.Every school mate avoided me because when they ask something to me about Harris’ previous schooling and from where Harris comes,I speak to them in an incoherable mouse speaking way that they cannot understand that language ,cannot understand my language and they sit next to another friend,or sometimes it was like that like bullying type of Thrissur slang language speaking from my school mates to me ,so when I start to respond and answer to them,then somebody else come into that gap and the friend whom I gave response ,will start to talk with that friend who entered into our gap,the gap,then I became alone again.So,it was impossible to ask their phone number of home and ask them to or call them to my home to visit my parents or etc…or however it was,my speaking through phone was also very shallow to these thrissur slang speaking stranger school mates,who lived far away from my home.So,they avoided me.You all cannot even imagine those days of mine with thrissur school mates.I cannot stand the foul smelling of school boys with foul smelling dirty uniforms, in my class; so I had avoided playing with them outside,greatly.Together with anxious behaviour,I could not study the tough subjects in school,so I myself concentrated in studies and also I had a phimosis tissue in my genital and I had trouble in voiding urine smoothly or I never feel he need to void and there will be a long queue from all the classes and I come back and sit in the classroom and I never go to the boy’s bathroom till my plus two in school.I wait till leaving school at 5 pm and used to pass urine and toilet after reaching home at Chiyyaram,Thrissur.If I get chance to visit the boy’s toilet,I go there when no one is there in it,because the toilet was very conjested and small and also very smelly.I always wanted to be myself clean.During school times in Thrissur ,I always have oily hair due to coconut oil on my head,so my hair at the back side remain like procupine’s hair.So,every mates called me a procupine[mullanpanni in malayalam].I never look my face in mirror properly,I don’t know I never looked my beauty in the mirror.I just smiled always like my smile which automatically comes on my lips,is the beautiful thing I had ever experienced in my life.When,I first started to live in a new place called Chiyyaram in Thrissur,every neighbours said ,they were or my family daddy,mummy ,me and my 4 year old brother was from Goa or Goans.I learned Karnatic Music for 4 years after my school,at evenings,and learned to play a piano and a harmonium for my being.I was taught how to do blocks ,fights,kalaripayatt[kerala fight] and karate[japanese fight],when I was 12 years old by a neighbourhood thrissurite and I was always with my mother doing home chores.Whenever my daddy bought me valuable gifts like birthday cake,cycle,bike,or any mobile phones,I just say a quick thankyou to him and embrace him and run upstairs.No other talking to him.So,my daddy and mummy laugh at my behaviour.I had a left leg fracture during my 8th std in Seventh Day School,Thrissur due to a fall on a rocky surface while running with other batch mates,by which I was bed rest at my home in Chiyyaram,place near to Kuriachira, for 3 weeks.When I was bed rest,and alone at home, a Thrissur beggar came and stared at me through the open windows and harassed me with his eyes,by the time my daddy came to home from outside.I do not play badminton outside my home,even if my parents or neighbours call me outside to come and play.I was too shy. I thought there’s something about me; some connection with the daily happenings.But I do not know it clearly.

I had a girl friend in from 8th standard but she is little bit fatter than me but yet attractive to see,but even if she requested me to say her”I love you”,I did not say her like that but always I sat with her ,talked about her to my family and classmates and phoned to her home at night after school.But,she told me not to phone her to home and we could talk in class.She is the daughter of a famous business man in Thrissur who owns Bright Furniture Mart.She also told about me to her father.Her birthday is on February 16th. I am fully devoted to Yeshove, Mary,Joseph,12 disciples and all saints.I do not go for any bad deeds in Thrissur school times,because of my good mind,I will get more anxious of bad deeds and leave the school and studies myself,the rest of the things of those times were all my imagination.My mother worked in State bank Of India,Thrissur near my school and every teachers,staffs know her and she helps them for bank related matters and they also speak about me to my mummy.Truly say,I was everyone’s beloved in Thrissur area.I was not able to talk properly and it greatly affected my attitude.So,I kept myself pure and started to find myself.There was an uncle named Joseph,who loved me a lot but he was staying far away from Thrissur. My daddy used to laugh at me,seeing me too shy to mingle and silent,saying that I am like an angry young man and telling me that I am very cute to see always.My mother got Diabetes, when I was born,this was also a major reason for my anxiety to develop so fastly.But my parents hid this occurence caused by my birth from their relatives and friends.She got even blood glucose level more than 585 mg/dl right from when she was 29 years old and she started to take medications and injections for controlling it and now also she is in control.I started to think from my childhood,that every misery is caused by me.My mother also missed her brought up place.I knew it.I had a lots of language problem,even now but in my inner mind;I had a dream.I had my age sisters only cousins,but no cousin boys.But I have never been always with my sisters.I had one cousin sister[my daddy’s elder brother’s first daughter],whom I was very fond of and always with her ,whenever I visit her and she was just like my sister and friend.I was always with my younger brother.My cousin brothers are 3 or 6 years younger to me, so every one considered and called me as a big brother and also I was more taller than my younger brothers.I was backward in maths.I have even got ‘0’mark in selection exam in maths.My nana[mummy’s daddy],asked me whats the difficulty for you in maths but I responded him with a smile.Till I was 13 years old,there was only one channel available in television,that was doordarshan channel and there were no freedom of love as seen nowadays among school children and everyone were straight forward and no wearing of hip hop styles or anything and in those times there were no mobile phones,internet,wifi,computer,no laptop even tabs,ipods,touch screens were not available.No one knew anything about that.We had classes and colleges starting from 9 am till 6pm,even special classes.I was an irritable want more child ,when I was small boy.I did not have any friends from near my home,so ,I missed them a lot.My school was so far that times.Also nobody know my home,or my way to my home.After my course in Bangalore college in 2010,and when I came back to Thrissur,then only,many technological changes started to take place in Kerala.So,circumstances changed me.My daddy always tell to me,”Ye zindagi ke ujala me kya kab hota hei kisko maalum”.My daddy did a vasectomy procedure,in a hospital in Goa for himself,because of the complications like diabetes and neonatal meningitis,in every birth of child in their family.

My daddy always say to me about the importance of the number 5.From teenage time ,I was so much confused of Kajol’s and Sreedevi’s birthdays which was on 5th August and 13TH August respectively.My other maama from Bhilai,Madhya Pradesh’s birthday was on 13th January,who was very confused that times.Now he is married and have a job.My 10th class percentage what I got was 58.8 %.Everyone in our only batch got low marks,that time,in the history of our school.After I came to Chhattisgarh, in Raipur for working in the year 2015,November, I got a room mate whose birthday was on 5-8-88.

Deepika Padukone’s birthday is on 5-1-86.I had got a friend in Thrissur school,whose name is Tony Thankachan[whom Ashish called Raothara],who studied before in Orissa,who is also a Kottayam keralite,who always sat with me,when I remain alone.He was also a great support for me,for 5 long years in school,from 6th standard of my Thrissur school,but I never became too close with him,because of my problem as everyone knows,and also because his home was 29 kms away from my home.Every staff in my school,knows me well,because I was also a teenage boy artist that time in school in Goa continuing in Thrissur and Thrissur town area.I also done music skits in Thrissur pooram exhibitions and in public get together orchestras,parties.I do not know the number of times,that I have done such programmes and I have received so much of applaud.

I was selected by my teachers and friends[Ashish Abraham and Richard Joy]for artistic ,poetry,dramas,mimicry and have got many prizes including first prizes for dramas and singing; even for singing tamil,hindi songs.During dramas,my characters that I played were,teacher,chief minister,partner.My classmate and friend named Ashish Abraham, introduced me into all these artistic activities, so I could express,but he is no more now. Every person in my class called me “he is absolute deer or girl’.After plus one started in our school,in 2005,new students came from Ernakulam to Thrissur school,and one of them name [VV], doubtedly asked me,during a evening class that Harris,are you gay?!!,whispering in my ears.So I asked him,GAY.What’s that?Is it a name of a cow?I thought he were asking about GAAY[hindi word for cow].He did not answer me.That time when he said that word,then I am hearing this word for the first time.

During my college time,in 2008,only,my mates tried to experiment it on me.Once,in plus two classroom, I passed motion in pants due to my anxiety and all,during the last period.The last period was Physics.I just farted .but the whole motion went into my pants and smell spread in the classroom.By the time,last bell rang,and after every children went outside,then only I got up from the seat and slowly slowly walked and took my cycle and rode it till my home,because I do not go to the toilets in school and I did not know whether it is closed or not,during the late last period and when I reached my home which is 5 kms away from school,after riding on my cycle for 45 minutes,the cycle seat cover was covered by big big flies.I told this incident to my mother,Gloria only and told no one else.In 2006,May 25,I had went to Durg,Madhya Pradesh, near Bhilai, for writing medical entrance exam there;because my birth place was there,but I failed the exam and came back to Thrissur.Before going to Bangalore ,I knew my cousin sister would find me a Shah Rukh Khan fan for me as a friend,because of my mingling problem and also because her birthday was hailing in the 2nd month of the year and also because my birthday is on 2nd of August and also because SRK’s birthday is on 2nd of November and also because I was shy,crushy,imaginative and obsessive to see SRK movies during my childhood.I never watched his movies.

One of my aunties named Mercy George had studied here in Bangalore here,but she stayed here,only for half an year and came back to Thrissur as told to me by my daddy.She got anxious by seeing my face,after I was born and she always cries,but, now she is very cheerful and leading a luxurious life,with her husband ,both in Thrissur and Dubai.Her both daughters are married and in higher positions and one of her daughter named Roshan Mary helped me to secure a job in Thrissur,after I came from London.Bangalore was a new place for me. My parents said me about this college in Bangalore; so I came here,but I did not like this subject to study; I mainly came here in Bangalore to follow my dreams of becoming an artist as a singer,model,actor.A model after motivated by seeing fashion tv during my teenage times. But I did not know how to start,or I did not know anything about model agency or whats happening in a model agency; and I was staying in the hostel, which was so strict that times,that we were not allowed to use mobile phones,internet,wifi,laptops or any sort of electric gadgets..So;its impossible to think about that.I was also very lean and thin,skinny guy weak and with no musculate in my body,with a small goat beard on my chin and with lots of teenage pimples on my face,that times and other 67 boys with me were so grown ups and tough malayalam speaking south keralites.So; I thought first to complete my studies. Like that; after my plus two in 2006;I joined here in a malayalee management nursing college in Bangalore.The prinicipal studies psychology.The person is a post graduate in psychological subject.When I came to Bangalore for the first time on September 9th,morning,there was huge crowd of parents and students for admission process.We 3,my daddy,my mummy and me stood in the queue.We do not know who is the principal,is it man or lady or whether he or she is psychologist or not,we 3 do not know.My daddy everytime know everything whenever it is connected to me.Our chance to get into the Principal’s A/c room,came.We entered. The principal was a lady.She looked us and told me and daddy to sit.She told about the college and boy’s hostel details looking at me and daddy.My daddy told about me that Harris is a silent guy not too talkative and we family were from Goa,presently at Thrissur,Harris has been born in Bhilai in Madhya Pradesh,looking at my mummy he introduced her that she is my wife,Gloria.The principal said ok,she introduced herself saying her name.Then my daddy asked her for a bank forum filling for the details of my studentship in Bangalore college.Suddenly the principal’s voice became raised,and she said what forum ,we don’t do it.My daddy said it’s needed madam.So,she responded no sir in malayalam language ,we do not do this,you can go and your son Harris cannot be admitted here.I was only 17 years old and I got frightened and said to my mummy that we can go from here.She started shouting and stood up.So,my daddy did not stop talking and he did not stand,but he kept sitting.We did not know that was her psychological approach to test us.My daddy understood what was the reason for this shouting,because of seeing Harris.He said,in a angry cold harsh yet very sincere and humble way that we have came too far from here and you are saying me,us to go.There’s a minimum quality for which a principal should behave with the parents of the candidate.We just asked for our right.You are not even trying to listen that.How could we trust you and institution and leave our sons in this college hostel,if the principal is like this.There are many other parents waiting outside in queue.What will we say to them.Ok,then if it is like that then,we can go and he stood up from the seat and asked my mother to follow him with Harris.My mummy told daddy to stop and my mummy spoke decently to the madam.So,the madam asked my mother what’s the matter and sat on her seat,and my mummy explained her about the need of scholarship of the sons of government officers,for their salary from the student loan clearence,because my mother worked in State bank Of India,Thrissur.So,the principal said ok,why daddy is shouting like this ,do he have any problem.She asked me like this.Till that time she was reading and examining my face and eyes which was full of fear and determination.After that she handover 3 of us to the adminstrator,by calling him through phone and said him to do whatever they needed.Then,I was enrolled in this college.I was happy,also excited because of leaving my family and going to stay alone for the first time.During the capping ceremony after 2 months in the college,my daddy and mummy and my brother visited her and while my brother was taking my photos in camera,my daddy cuddled her 3 year old son and spoke with the principal and my mummy was also there with her talking about her diabetes etc….and From then after I sang songs in senior’s farewell ,in Basavanagudi,she appreciated me and to keep it up but I said no chances are getting so she said chances will come on the way.Sometimes,when she takes classes,she asks me why he is sitting moody always.That times,I did not have any personality of my own and I was very childish then,also I did not know how to fuck,even.I always said Nothing madam.I thought it was not my time to speak and I did not know how they will react.And whenever I go to office as everyone does,to pay fees,she asks me what’s your problem?Do you have any problem?Or your daddy have any problem?But I again responded No madam,why are you asking like this?I am happy in college.Thankyou.So she let me go.Whenever I took extended leave for Christmas holidays,because of our Holy Family Church[Sevanalayam],church feast in Chiyyram,Thrissur,which commences after christmas holidays on January 2 or January 6,I was directly told,by the adminstrator, to speak with the principal calling to her home in Bangalore,via telephone conversation.

Before going abroad in London in May,2011,I went to Bangalore alone for receiving a transcript certificate from the college in Channasandra,so she was there and told the adminstrator to do the neccessary for him.She studied here in Bangalore and is very famous here,and owns many colleges here.The person knows every famous personalities here in Bangalore,personally.I had a new friend in my boys hostel,who lowered and help me to cope with my loneliness and he bought me a blackcurrent cream cake decorating it with my name on it with shared money from mates and he knew it’s my birthday on August 2,2007 and he made me surprised by other mates at 12 am at night my screaming and wishing Happy birthday,while I was sleeping and he and his friends always sat near me and talked to others about daily news.His name is [DD].He wanted to know every secrets of Harris and sometimes I spend money for him and for his friend by buying him chicken biriyani and 1 bottle of beer and he sometimes playfully and sometimes seriously fought with me and we travelled all together to home during one sudden onam vaccation in 2007 and he met my daady at Thrissur railway station together with other friends like [J] and [P] and he also came to meet me at my home in Chiyyaram because his aunty’s home is in Chiyyaram.I met him on the road side while it was raining heavily that day.He had came together with his aunty to her home ,so he visited me also.I did not know what to do,because for the first time,a mate is coming to meet me from Irinjalakuda,which is 30 kms away from Thrissur town,but actually he was using me for a little satisfaction.The first 2 years ,we were friends,but later he had to change his room,because of the circumstances and also because he got another south keralite as his best friend,but during the fourth year he came near me ,while we were finishing the college and again became intimate with me and while we were separated while we went home after farewell ceremony, I phone him and said good bye and said to him I don not think we will see again ,so he said bye.This friend is from Irinjalakuda,Thrissur.Also he was very childish and egoistic in nature,always talking talking.His lips and mouth always keep on moving.

It was tough for me to leave my family.I never smiled whole heartedly during my first 3 years of my college. The principal and the management were very curious about me,wanted to know about me as I always remained silent in hostel,yet I sang a farewell song for my seniors during the first year at Basavanagudi stage with music and all the senior brothers,girls studying there,became fans of mine and senior brothers called my mother in Kerala and told her thankyou for the song,that your son has sung the best ever song ,they have ever heard.The song was ‘Inniyum mizhikal nirayaruthe’,a kalabhavan mani song which is not picturized in that Ben Jonson movie.Every seniors were attracted to me,everyone,but,I was never attracted to them.I was very simple,lean and do not know how to talk.I was very silent with oily long hair and everyday I used to call my home and speak to my mother and always complained to her about strict hostel life.I also did not know anything about whats love and ignorant about bro-like friendly love but the seniors usually came to my room and slept.They went from the college,But,i became silent again and complained about my malayali batch mates to the management.This principal asked me particularly that what is your problem and why are you sitting moody in class times?! I said ‘nothing ma’am’.I do not want to openly tell my dreams and problems to anyone.I was only 17 years old then and do not know the other local slangs of malayalam language as everyone ,70 boys in my batch and other seniors were malayalee students.I was very excited and nervous in the boy’s hostel.

I do not want to share my dreams,or grief of leaving my family,or about my language problem.I was very silent.You all cannot even imagine it.It was a nightmare to me.During my third year ,I have bunked my hostel,and book tickets for Om Shanti Om to see it on the next day at PVR Cinemas,in forum mall. I also sang the ‘Ajab Si’ song on celebrations, with music.During 3rd year of our college in Bangalore,there were several malayali boys[[particularly 5 of them],came at night while I was sleeping and alone at room,in the boy’s hostel of Channasandra,who used me for their satisfaction of saddistic sexual pleasures without my consent and permission,and after that they gave me emotional torture,by telling to others[juniors] about the experience with Harris and commenting about me in groups and laughing, while I go downstairs to eat food.From then I started to stop eating food,and told my other previous trustworthy room mate to bring food for me to room or otherwise I eat from outside.

I was placed in a small room alone ,because 6 sharing room were all filled up and I became the 7th extra one ,so I was in a room alone in Channasandra boy’s hostel,near to the temple,and the 5 boys namely [NS], [UMD], [VRS], [DD], [SP], [ST] who used me for their sadistic sexual pleasures,planned to make me isolated for more than 2 days,and they together with the help of another batch mates of mine named [MMN] and a senior management boy locked my room from outside ,when I was inside and at that time there were no lights or ventilation in the room and for 2 days I could not go outside to class or I did not even do toileting or urinating ,but I passed motion and urine in my locked room itself and the smell was spreading all over the boy’s hostel and even if I banged the room door,to open and to help me from here,nobody even noticed and the room was near to junior’s rooms,they also and the management did not care about it.My batch mates did this to me and when teachers asked about Harris’ absence,they said that Harris gone to home at Thrissur on leave.I was too thin and weary that time and I was starving.If your all batch mates did like this to you,what will you do,you will keep quiet,right?Did I do this much big mistake that they did to me like this?And after 2 days ,they opened the door for me and let me outside and I myself cleaned the room as no cleaning staffs usually came to clean our rooms in our hostel those times,and I started to go to college as usual,as if nothing had happened.

Our teachers asked my batch mates,why do you do this to your class mate,why could not you all encourage him,and asked everyone what’s the problem with you all?After this incident only,gay rights and freedom of love was established,legalized and issued in India by the constitution in the year 2009.Then only,I seriously started to think about this,was it because of me.Towards our 3rd year and 4rth year of this college,our college provided us 6 sharing congested dark rooms with no ventilation.During the last year before final examinations,when it was study vacation,I was returning back ,because our room door was locked and everyone went for eating food and I did not get food ,so I thought to go to the terrace for a while and I saw my fellow room mate coming to the room,his name was [ASB] who hails from Thiruvananthapuram and he looked at me and asked me in a raised voice for the first time that why are you Harris looking at me in angry way and I said nothing and he followed me and this south Indian keralite struggled me with a fight and I tried to block him and run away and he again came behind me, pulled my shirt in the balcony and I tried to choke him by catching his neck tightly and pushed him aside and tried to go upstairs,my plates and all fell down but he stood up again and hit me directly to my forhead with our room key on his fist.He was suffering from high blood pressure and due to the hit, lots of pure dark red blood poured out,forming a mountain over my forehead,and scattered all over the floor and on my cream white shirt from the pierced point and I tried to sit on the step and started to become unconscious during a sunny afternoon.He had food but I did not have food because the food was over.

My another fellow class mate named [SV] was on the way to his room after having food and he saw this and took me to the nearby D G Hospital immediately ,by lending his shoulder to me ,in a auto and he paid my whole expenses and the doctor asked “How it happened?”So,we both said by hitting on the wall to avoid any further police investigation.The culprit was laughing at me after the incident seeing my 6 stitches on my forehead, but my daddy called from my home and gave him nice warning.They did not know who initiated and started the fight and If I become unconsious and died ,then also they all might have laughed like this.The management knew everything about this and they were laughing and drinking liquor after hearing this incident.Strange type of management,friend.I have never seen such a management in my life.

My mother was the first person to show me this new actress,when I went home for vaccation.That time,I did not understand whether Deepika is from bangalore or about my age.I thought she is a new actress who is more aged and older than me. During my Thrissur school days;in history classes,the teacher named Sathyaneshan sir taught us about,’Mastani’,the 2nd wife of Peshwa who was from Madhya Pradesh and a good court dancer,singer,warrior.When I heard that name ‘Mastani’ from Madhya Pradesh,something like light flashed in my mind.That time ,I thought.,I also sing,dance, and I am also from Madhya Pradesh born in Bhilai on 2.8.88.But,I did not tell this to anyone.I dreamt of becoming like a personality like her,who loved her partner very much.I built up my personality like that,who is beautiful and brave.Yes,.I was a school boy,dance like round and round till I faint and get ringing sensation ,sang to hindi,tamil songs,at home,after school,in front of my mother,and brother. like round and round in circles.My grandmother,both daddy’s and mummy’s amma name is Rosy.My dad’s mum died on 8-3.2000; and also my mum’s mummy’s birthday is on 8th of March on Women’s day.

I had a junior mate,a malayali,but a native of Madhya Pradesh; who asked for sharing my room, but had to stay outside in Channasandra in Bangalore. He died in a bike accident in 2013; but I knew his death in the year 2015.I have no bad habits like smoking ciggarettes,tobacco chewing; that can lower my health status.I just do not like those habits.I drink 2 glasses of beer and a glass of heritage wine,sometimes a peg of whisky once in 2 months,nowadays;which I believe a little amount prevents heart ailments and prevents from causing obesity.I love a lot of non veg foods which include veg foods also.I like eating lots of fruits. After, completion of Nursing Course in Bangalore,I went to London for a change feeling, so that I could survive out of my depressed feelings,or to cool my mind.From this time,wherever ,I go ,malayalam movie started to release accordingly,so,I started to think,”Who am I?”.

I started to hear Justin Beiber songs released that time. Once,before going to London,in 2011,I sat in front of the family computer and seen g porn movies ,repaeatedly and felt asleep and I forgot to close the tabs.In the morning,when my daddy checked the open computer,he happened to see all the porn movies that I had watched continuously and he said to my mummy that no daddy do not want to see any porn movies.Then he was laughing at me and he took me for a family picnic till poomala dam,near Athani in Thrissur.I was very sleepy,because I did not sleep watching these movies and when my daddy saw it,I got a fizzy,wonder,shy and fuzzy feeling.My younger brother was laughing at me seeing this drama.On the way to London,I met Smt.Kalpana,Shri.Jagadeesh and Shri.Kochupreman and Sri.Kottayam Nazeer,who were going for a programme in London.Kalpana chechie talked about me to others.She talked to me.After,I came to Chhattisgarh,I heard about her sad demise in the year 2016.

First 2 months,when I reached London,I stayed there in Wembley-Willesden near Harrow,where my friend Renid was staying an working.He is my mummy’s colleague’s son also.He helped me a lot with money,food,stay,friends,playing games and all.He is now married and staying there,itself.At Wembley,I took a black ticket from a English man in June and seen the UEFA Football World cup in the famous Wembley Football Stadium ,which was situated near the home where I was staying,but the Switzerland-England game became a draw.A huge crowd was there to see it.After getting job,towards last of June,I stayed there in Horsham, near Brighton beach at south London.I worked there,in Holmwood,London as a care assistant in a care home named Foxmead,and because of other malayali co-worker’s jealousy towards me,I was put to night duty on one such awful night when another co-worker was ill and on leave and on that night an aged guy named David died of heart attack and the manager named Aisha Talip,who’s from Mauritius, terminated me from her care home and yelled at me and I cried a lot to the owner named Ramdhass,because it’s happening to me for the first time but who to see,no one cared about it and after I came back to Thrissur,only I heard about the death of the owner of that particular care home said and informed by my fellow room mate,Ramesh who is from Idukki,Kerala whom I lived together in Horsham.I did’nt believe her death at first,when he said to me,so Ramesh kept quiet.

I updated everytime in facebook that time.And,I took a Horsham Library membership and read all types of english books,sitting in the library and followed every online books in internet library,because I was free all time in Horsham,in London.I got a girl friend from Romania,whose name was [A] who was also 12 years older than me but she was attractive but she told me to never kiss her because she is older than me and that Harris will get a beautiful girl of same age.I helped her a lot for many things.She also inturn helped me.She was also my Pakistani boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend in Horsham.A Srilankan boss changed me a lot there.

I was deepily loved by that someone in there with friendly purposes.He treated me as his family and gave me job and salary.He practically did deep amor[forceful love] with me,after playing snooker when his girlfriend and child was not there in his home.He locked the door of his flat,removed his clothes and ordered me to remove my clothes and made me lay in his cozy bed.Because of all these anxiety and all,I started to take apple cider,beer cans to my room and began to drink it,with kentucky fried chicken and fish fries,the whole nights in the cold climate of London and also had started to smoke black flavored ciggaretes,because it was too cold there[-7 C].

A room mate who is from Angamaly ignored me from being close friends with him and told me never enter to his room again,but this Angamaly Martin helped me to get a job in a CD factory and helped me to survive there with money and food earning more than 280 pounds per month and with all the money which I earned from those jobs,I invited my younger brother to Horsham and purchased chicken,beef,pork,rohu fish and made him a delicious dish which includes pork fry cury,beef fry,chicken curry and 2 rohu fry with lots of rice.He loved it and some of the room mates always criticized about the taste of the food I make.

I enjoyed the life and culture,night life of London[Horsham].Dennis called me to come to Coventry in West Midlands,at north England.We stayed together and made food and did shopping together,wen to expensive hotels and ate english foods and we visited our cousin sister Cybil’s mother-in -law and her family in Bassingstoke during easter time in April,travelling through Virgin tube bullet train.She welcomed both of us,made us good food,made both of us a good stay,and before leaving and being terminated from London,I had helped this [MNM] ,who planned to make me alone in Channasandra hostel,to get to know about the situation in London and he got through,but I had to come back.I could’nt control my grief and agony on the way through flight[Jet airways]from London to Kochi via Mumbai.

I reached India on May 4,2012.After I was expelled by the University Of London Authority from Park Royal and Horsham to Thrissur,because without experience in work,with student visa,I would not get good job there; so I thought to determine myself to get work experience in Nursing first in India,in my homeland itself.So,I came back.But,the United Kingdom British Council did not cancel my Visa validity.My brother stayed there after me and he was there during my Thrissur job and still there.The first weeks in 2012,after my sister’s marriage in Vendore,Thrissur,when I came to back to Thrissur,I was startled and shame feeling came to me and I never thought that my sister will marry someone even without informing me and she had already gone.I thought in my mind,why should she tell to me that she is going to marry a person.It’s her choice. I became shy again,forgot everything what happened in Horsham,London,started to get shy feeling and worthlessness feeling and did not want to step a foot outside and found myself fearful to go outside.When things I eagered for getting fastly,or someone’s love that I wanted to give or that person should have given to me,was not given or reached to me,at time or if the flow of love was blocked,I shed silent tears when I was asleep or when I was alone.But,when this feeling of broken love repeatedly came to my life time by time,I felt something is awkward about me.I did not think that this feeling would become such a big crisis in my life,till I came back from Horsham in London;because of that after coming to Thrissur,When my daddy spoke openly to me,I said him about my feelings and condition in the year 2012 in the month of June, so that if somebody could know about it and send me some help from above.

On lab investigations,in a private clinic of my daddy’s friend;it was said to be the blood cortisol stress hormone count was shown increased by 2 % for the first time.The doctor said,only Harris knows ; whats the reason for this increase,the doctor[psychologist],who is also my daddy’s friend in Goa,who is also
a malayali,examined me and told me to become transparent and to openly say everything whatever is in my mind.Think.I accepted my condition ,before it could be more critical.But,I did not know clearly whats it about.I had done a phimosis surgery[circumscision] of my genital, at a major hospital in Thrissur,in 2012.In that year or after that year I ran from the home without telling my parents and went to Chennai without ticket in train and bathed in the deep sea and swam in that Marina beach that too giving my bag to a stranger and he gave me back my bag after finishing the swim.

After coming home,on the request of my mother through mobile phone,I came back to home,and started to sing karoke and uploaded it in you tube on internet.There many viewers from Gulf countries,United Kingdom and North India,but after 5 months I deleted all of the videos.

During August month of 2012,I started to join in a calicut university college for MBA studies,which is continuation of B.Sc Nursing course,but I failed to complete it because of my problem in maths,but yet I got a lots of Thrissur friends both girls and boys to be happy with and to mingle with them socially,going to their home,riding my new bike with them,going picnics with them,watching new released movies,helping them also helping myself,celebrating,roaming round Thrissur with them.The principal and staffs were also lovable to me.So,I became happy again.Together with that I assured myself to complete my driving license test course,which I could not complete when I was 17 years old.Now,I was 24 years old and completed it in the first attempt itself.Like that was my change.I passed both 2-wheeler and 4-wheeler test in the first attempt.All was because of my friendship with the driving tutor,who is 5 years younger to me in Thrissur.During the first day itself,I had told him and his friends that I had started taking tablets to relieve stress and to forget things what happened right in London.During the finishing time of the driving lessons,I fought with him,like crazy, out of love and friendly reasons,publically calling him bad words at Thrissur round in malayalam in Thrissur town area and he spoke with my daddy,one night,but we both became friends,again.I bought sweets for him after passing the driving test in september,2012, in Thrissur.

In February,I stopped the MBA course and on May,2013,I wanted to go to Bihar for work after a prayerful retreat,but I changed my mind,when my mummy said me about Mumbai,I went to Vasai,Mumbai ,where my distant relative,a teacher and her family stays and they offered me a job,but I could not complete that job,because,the salary was to low,Rs.2000 a month and also because the hospital was unhygeinic and the air conditioning inside the hospital was terrible cold,and staying inside that quarters were impossible in these rainy days,I myself quit the job and ran away from the hospital and reached Thrissur.Then I started searching for my answer in google,where we get immediate answers from the year 2013,towards the month of September. I started to learn Violin together with my job in Thrissur hospital in the year 2013 .After a good councelling and everything that a spirit of a person needs and also I had to take different types of medications for mind.I first resisted those medications.But my parents encouraged me to take it,if you do not take it then there’s no use.But the medications have many adverse effects also.Some of the side effects were eye blurring and blindness.For a week or more ,I could not even properly see front side when I drive my car or bike.I could not read any words in books correctly.Another side effect was over alertness or over sleepiness.Sometimes I felt brain flushing sounds and heart pains with difficulty in taking breaths.I started to play badminton with neighbourhood teenage guys and girls,and with my family and started to go for yoga classes and visited gymnasium on early mornings,at Thrissur town.

After taking medications,my overthinking,anxious behaviour and excessive thoughts,soon,went away from me.I got so much relieved,that I cannot explain you all.I started to act and to become practical in many cases.Towards last of 2012 till last August month of 2013,I started to do happy and gay chat on online and mobile phone chat,with many young boys of my age and boys who age lower than me and also with young adult boys,who live in Gulf countries,north India,Iran nd from my place, till late nights,they call me at night,when they see me online and talk to me for more than 20 minutes,about their experiences with other mates and after exchanging mobile numbers and we meet next night and do many sort of things in Thrissur village fields and sometimes I travel to their place which will be far away from my hometown and sleep with them,the whole night and they give me money for travel and food.Like that,I changed very slowly,yet steadily. In 2013 a song with Deepika Padukone in Brighton beach was released,that was in 2013.But I saw the song scene only in the year 2015.After l,I came from London to Thrissur, I was very outgoing .I do not know,if it was because of the lonely feelings,feelings of numbness.

I roamed all over the Thrissur town,did all sort of mischevious activities,came back to home only after 10 pm at night.I roamed around in the town alone with other strangers and young people like a stray dog.Because of that ,I got lots of amor frustration together with stress and relieving of extreme erotic desires,in a open public way. I stopped sleeping at night mostly.I could not even close my eyes.So,I started to think that I am controlling the world or someone is controlling me. I slept in bed after 6 am only till sunset.Like that I got sleep deprivation.I also started to eat lots of foods usually 4 times a day; together with small amounts lots of oily chips.

In 2013,February month,I had a black puppy which was a street dog’s daughter.I was sorry for not taking the male puppy.I took it to my home,named it Harry blacky,and gave it a nice bath with deedhi shampoo,and it liked me so much.It stayed in my room,slept near me on my bed,sometimes it slept on my chest.I took it to watch a new release movie,film named ‘Puthiya Theerangal’.But,my daddy hate this dog sounds at home,from inside my room and whenever I feeded a plate of milk and bun.It ate it very interestingly,but due to the request of my daddy ,I had to leave it in my college ground in Aranattukara,where many big dogs are there.After that I do not know what happened to it.

From 2013,I had worked in a private hospital,near my dad’s place,and there I got new Thrissur hospital staffs and we were as a group working very sppedily and sincerely and enjoying together during free times,laughing and going for picnics and celebrating together with the hospital staffs.I was the only care giver[male],together with other female staffs.I was working very much sincerely,and also on front for all artistic activities.There was a nun[sister] who loved me a lot like a son and co-worker.She was the head of our team.She was a very prayerful,god-fearing,and who work very sincerely.She always tells me that Harris should be put in a show case and to be worshipped.I studied how to work and lead life also from her and there was a doctor too who had a positive outlook in life.We all were 57 people all together.I got a deep friendly chat ,that time,in the year 2014,during the end of October month,with a small samsung mobile in my hand,with a so-called Shah Rukh Khan Fan who indeed looks alike him.His name is [RR].He is my cousin sister’s Matha School,Mannampetta,friend; whom I met during her marriage in 2012,but started chatting only from November 2014. I messaged him when I was 26 years old though I met him during May,13,2012.Then I was 24 years old.He was far away in Dubai.I messaged by saying to him that,”I like your face.”,just like I messaged him and I asked him for a forever friendship,when he asked me for my mobile number.My mobile number in those days was 9744181248.

I do not go to the details very much that what happened after that.He addressed me as,”Mr.Harris Jose”,On the phone conversation he asked me about my sister[cousin sister].I remember that I asked him whether he drinks beer and he responded me that he drinks whisky also.He told that he was hearing songs,when he asked me whether I was also listening to songs.He told me that he wanted a partner who loves him a lot.I told him that our eyes met during May 13,2012 on my cousin sister’s marriage photo shoot at home.My so called sister’s birthday is on 22-2-89. I was busy in my work in hospital.He called me many times at night,after my work,he asked about me for what I am.I could not talk to him properly through phone,because I have not talked to him face to face,even if I met him during sister’s marriage in 2012,so he asked me to message him.I messaged him,the whole details about me.He told me that he will come to see me.One night before December 21,2014;some unknown calls came to my mobile,local numbers,when I put my mobile in silent mode.Later only ,I saw those numbers.I was sleeping in the bed that time.I deleted the local numbers which came in my phone because I did not know from whom those numbers came to my phone,that night.Usually,no one calls me,thats the truth.I knew he must have came to Mannampettah,Thrissur because his own sister’s daughter’s baptism was taking place there.I thought he may or may not came in Thrissur.Early morning.I asked him messaging in facebook,to call me or respond to me, but he was online and not answering me.So I got irritated a lot.I told him assuring him that if we are not going to see in real or not going to talk in real,this is the end of this friendship.

When it was still dark, at early morning 2:30 am; a cool breeze came through my room windows,like saying ” your friend has came,he has come”.That time,I was also suffering from terrible headache,cough,chest pain and chest infection. After one day,I felt like his name was repeating inside my head,many times ;when I suddenly woke up early morning.I felt dizzy and wanted to end it feeling. I had a sense of something was happening to me,very different to me,after chat with him,like no one else like him for me.He blocked me on December 21,2014,while I was travelling in bus to my work near his home,early morning at 7:45 am,while messaging him,to come to see me in his bike,because,I was on his way for work in bus,and then,because he and I thought he and me has different friendly relations with other people.In that bus ,suddenly after he blocked me,I could not send him messages again,I got a feeling of sudden disconnection from my life,a nothing in head feeling. I cannot explain that feeling. I had started to see signs like”Gift of God”,’St.Rapheal”,wherever I travel in Thrissur,earlier recently and from now then.Really, I got crazy or out of mind.I explained him everything,immediately at my free time at work place, on that Sunday, making a public account, that whats happening to me,publically posting.I loved him as a friend,but I said sorry a lot of times,sending him message through another public account to him a lot because of my mistake that he blocked me and asked him to unblock me.I accepted my mistake,if I had hurt him,in anyways.I did not knew whether he has hurted me in return.I made another public account named Sirrah Os and started to send him public messages to Dubai from December,2014.I told him that I cannot be far away from you,I always want to connect with you and I told him do not forget me and to forget whatever I said and to be near.I also called him filthy words publically.One such public account is still there near to his follower account.My brother-in-law said to me through phone that there are several people who ask him whether Harris is gay or mental.I finally admitted him that I am bi.That Shah Rukh Khan fan and his friend, then started to put public positive quotes in public in facebook.His friend’s name is [AV],and another friend named [AS].I also did the same.

I will not reveal his name.I told him that I am determined to do my job, But till now we have never met so close .I told about this friend to my Nana. I do not know is that because of my quality or because of his inner quality..I do not want to upset my cousin sister’s school friend.He became so much beloved to me.I also talked to his friend,explaining my condition.I started to get terrible heart aches with lots of crying everyday ,while travelling,and in front of my work mates.

Later in 2015,only,I understood that Angel Rapheal,which I have never noticed so closely before is the angel for lovers,travellers and nurses.I do not know this is a gift because of my caring job or because of our friendship.I was a bit shy of Shah Rukh Khan’s acting persona,during my school days in Thrissur.This miracle or happenstance happened in the year November to December 2014.Later,in March 2015,a heavy rain showered in Kerala unusually during the terrible hottest period of March and April month of 2015,with lightning,continously.That time I was going on with my work,busy with prayers ,songs.I resigned my job on June 13,2015,because his home is on the way to this hospital,where,I work.I do not know whether he has connection with film people,may be its my Imagination,as my mother or brother says;but inner feelings says its true,something is going to happen which is a miracle.Then in June 21,2015,he or his friend .I am not sure,someone familiar and like him only came to see me in the bus in Thrissur.I looked behind me for a seat at the back,but i saw on turning my head this person from bottom to head,several times,doubtfully I looked at the person standing and smiling a little and looking at me, standing on the left side, behind me catching a silencer helmet .But yes it was him,but,even if he is black and slightly taller than me and had beard and moustache,however,he put facial white cream on his face and clean shaved ,so I could not recognize that person who also did not talk to me, on that mid sunny afternoon of that Sunday.I had gone to watch the noon show of the movie’KANTHARI’ and I had to get down next stop from the bus,which is near to my home.

At last ,through facebook account,I asked him,if he do not like me as a friend ,then tell that to me directly and leave me alone and asked him that why are you doing this to me,leave me alone,if you are a good guy,then I am also a innocent guy.He said to his friends and siblings that he gets crazy while seeing me and he told them that Harris is the most beautiful person he had ever seen in his life and he considered me as God of Thrissur,so I admitted it.I went to see his father and relatives in his home,but I did not see his mother who was tired and working in the kitchen then only I came to know that he is poor and he is working in Dubai,that’s why he got money.I asked his relative’s next to his home,whether this home is [R]’s ,they said yes,it is and called his father from inside.They each one of them said to me that [R] had already went to Dubai on last July 19th of 2015 and did’nt he give you his phone number.I said “no,he did not,and I said I am [VN]’s cousin brother and I went back”.

A malayalam movie was released on September depicting the same song and bus scene in 2015.I saw this film on saying by my daddy’s elder brother on November 1 ,2015,night.The movie was very famous and there was huge crowd to see the movie. My cousin brother gave me a hint to go to Chennai,but I said no,I had already booked tickets to Chhattisgarh.On November 2,2015,I went to my birth place for the first time in my life,after my birth; to work there,where my mummy’s younger brother is staying in Chhattisgarh[Madhya Pradesh].I got a message in mobile phone that,he had unblocked me when I was moving in the Korba train to Chhattisgarh ,which goes via Chennai from Thrissur.I had already booked the train ticket before 2 weeks of the travel.After 2 weeks,on reaching Raipur,CG,I heard a news from facebook updates that Chennai city flooded and thousands of people became homeless and starved,and all government institutions were closed in Chennai.I message him again while in Chhattisgarh,after 4 months after getting job there.I was excited again.But he contacted my work mates,workmates who were local Chhattisgarhis and it made me irritated..I did not ,know what to do,to laugh or to cry. After I came to Chhattisgarh in Raipur for working in the year 2015,November 6, I got a room mate whose birthday was on 5-8-88.

Deepika Padukone’s birthday is on 5-1-86.Then,this song was released there on November December time, during Diwali time,there.I heard this song in the nearby room of mine.The song started”Mash hoor”.Romi’s birthday is on 24-6-…. .The movie which I later only saw in 2017,was released in September,2015,Tamasha,which very much reveals my childhood and friendship story.After coming to Raipur,Chhattisgarh,a famous actor from Thrissur died of kidney failure,who is mimicry artist,singer ,also,died on March 6,2016.This date is similar to my brother-in -law’s birthday which is on March 6,my cousin sister’s husband,who is from Irinjalakuda, who is the only person who criticized me in the year 2015, for the particular friendship moreover than 1 week, during the month of August,2015,at the times of my birthday,in Thrissur.He said to me after hearing the whole incident that to leave this friendship and to leave them otherwise it will affect my attitude.He said to me this may be a cause to another important change and he asked me whether you would talk to him if you see him again.I responded “Yes”,and I told him that he was the person who did not talk to me.I told him I cannot forget this friendship because its valuable to me ,but I will try to forget.And he said “May God bless you.”Meanwhile my Nana[grandfather[mummy’s daddy]],who has worked in Bhilai only for more than 50 years; died on 2-5-2016.I could not see his death,because ,I could not suddenly take leave from work and go otherwise I would have loose my job.I was my grandfather’s beloved first born grandson in Bhilai.I got terrible migraine due to the sad thought together with the 49 or 50 degree temperature of CG,which continued for 3 weeks and I could not concentrate on my job,so I had to come back to Thrissur on November 30,2016.Does Imaginations become real in life? .

Now .I say Thanks to that celebrity.But I do not know.My family members are not famous among people or from movie background.My family wished me good luck for this,but its not speedily happening.

However,Deepika also revealed her depression story,in 2013,after which I revealed my depression status to the society in 2012.

I do not know,whether mine and Deepika’s story is a co-incidence;or whether she studied me right from,when I was in Bangalore,or been told by somebody to help,whom I know very well.Because I was also very famous in Bangalore in matter of loneliness,not having close friends and in terms of singing,acting and love, while I studied there from 2006 till 2011.When I asked,my mummy,about Padukone family,during last year,she told,yes she knows,padukone family is very famous in Goa.Do daddy know anyone of the padukone family,or do my mummy knew someone there,who is related to their family,so they would have known about a silent boy like me in Goa.I was a small boy that time,I do not know,where do my daddy go,or my mummy go to meet new people in Goa,while they go to work or other family functions!?

Deepika was born to both konkani speaking Goan parents,which where I first started living.Is there any connection?Her parents shifted to Bangalore city because,this city is very famous for Badminton courts and players and her father too was a famous badminton player and known all over India. Are there same people with same feelings?

Is Deepika inspired my story or Am I inspired by her.How her all 3 or 4 movies became all hit together in the year 2015??Did she potrait real life situations into acting?She is 2 years and 8 months older than me..I thank for her hardwork,also I love me. Her expressions co-incides with me.how is this?Is this acting?May be.

I like to be successful like her,battling with her loneliness,depressing moods and dreams ,fullfilling her dreams.Even if she have problem in mingling,and imitated me,she overcame it by her modelling career to be a star,actor.So,I consider her as my sister or friend.I like to share love with all people.No other actresses in India has became this much feminist like Deepika.If deepika is a feminist,why should not I become a masculinist!? Do anyone have a rejection for what I am telling?

Why should women abuse and rape even a 5 year old boy,who even does not know what sex is,and the boy who is told to be beautiful and if the boy is also excel in artistic fields.Why should these women isolate a boy like this and make him feel dirty of himself?Are men,the only dirty ones in the world?Why would you not tell women,are dirty,and men who behave like women,who uses,abuses and who make beautiful 5 year old boys ,feel themselves dirty and useless?Should I support boys,who excel in artistic and beauty fields,if they have been sexually abused by women,women who have these filthy mind in them to abuse boys?If these women,you tell that they are mother,sister,wife and everything.If women become like this and isolate these boys and these boys become friendless and later called to be gay and misunderstood,then who should be punished,these innocent boys or these filthy minded women population?




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