Haley’s Story: He laughed at rape and the abuse he inflicted on women. He enjoyed dehumanizing and tearing women down.

Haley’s Story: He laughed at rape and the abuse he inflicted on women. He enjoyed dehumanizing and tearing women down.

Hello,
     This is my story, and I want people to hear it and understand the gravity of how social media ruins people’s lives. When I was fresh out of high school, I was wooed and persuaded into dating a person whom many people respected as a musician and artist, due to the rising level of respect and exposure of his underground death/black metal band. A person who, as I would later find out, would defile, abuse and assault me- all while I was the at ripe and vulnerable age of 2 months past my 18th birthday. He was older, 30 at the time, but he had me convinced that with his age came maturity, and respect – (only for himself I would later find out). He was nice at first, took me out of dinner, bought be gifts. He lived in a different city than me which is a 3 hr drive away. I would take a greyhound bus to go and visit him when I could, usually every 2 weeks or so.
After a few weeks of dating he started joking about sleeping with other women, and how horribly he treated his ex wife and other ex girlfriends. He told me that when his ex wife got pregnant after he had forced her to have sex, he then forced her to get an abortion. He also told me that he only married her to get his green card, and that he only slept with white women, because he wanted to feel like he was poisoning and de purifying women of the white race (he was of Bengali nationality).
The mental torment started when he began calling me and yelling at me for nothing, taunting me, and making me feel insecure and scared to do anything without his permission. I started to fear his phone calls, thinking I had done something wrong, and fearing the repercussions, even more so. I went over to my best friends house one day, as were going to a local music festival. He said he would meet myself and a few other friends at her house, and we would all go to the festival together. Foolishly, I believed this was a legitimate and respectable rendezvous plan. When myself and 2 of my friends arrived, my girlfriend answered, flushed face, out of breath, sweaty and with messy hair. I looked at the chair behind her and I saw my abuser’s jacket and boots. Yes, he fucked my best friend while I was on my way to her house. I was livid, I drank myself into a stooper, so much so that when we got to the venue, I wasn’t allowed in. When the night was over, I waited for her and him, she acted like he was her boyfriend now, and that she had taken him from me. I threatened her, and left the festival venue very upset.
He then called me one day and said that my now ex-best friend was at his place for the the weekend. Yes, he called me and made sure I knew she was there, sleeping with him for the weekend.
I later forgave him, because he said he had mental health and that he didn’t mean to hurt me. He said he had a problem, and that he couldn’t be monogamous, but wanted to try, for me. I forgave him, and continued seeing him, only because I feared the repercussions of breaking up with him. There were many times where he said he would kill me and my family if I left him. Out of fear for my life, I continued to stay with him. A few months later I was back at his place, this time we got in an argument after being at the bar. The arguement was about his behaviour at said bar, where he deliberately flirted, hugged, and kissed other women while we were out. He would smile at me to see my reaction as he was doing so, to ensure I saw what he was doing and to watch my reaction – seeing how mad I would get. The mental and emotional taunting continued thereafter.
A few months following, the mental abuse continued. First with the phone calls, then, following another argument, he punched me, pulled my hair and sexually assaulted me.  He raped me several times throughout our relationship, never once apologizing for any of actions. I brought a girlfriend with me one time as he said it would be ok for her to stay with us. We got in an argument after he wanted her to sleep with his friend. He forced her to sleep with his friend/bandmate, in our bed. When I got upset he screamed at me, hit me, and threw us both out at 2 am. Luckily I had family in the city, so I called my aunt and uncle at 2 am, crying, scared and embarrassed. They drove across the city and picked us up. We spent the rest of the weekend at their place, where my abuser attempted to contact my friend, being nice, and trying to get her to come back and hangout, attempting to play mind games with me, alienate me from my friend, and trying to get everyone I knew to hate me so that I would be completely alone.
Finally, I had had enough of his abuse, deliberate cheating, his threats, and being raped. I decided to break up with him and I started dating someone else. He was so mad that I had broken up with him, he decided to make sure I would be the laughing stock of the country. He collected intimate and nude photos of me that I had sent him months earlier at his request – and created a slanderous blog, posting and sharing it on Facebook and Twitter. He sent me threatening texts, phoning me from different numbers several times telling me to kill myself, and that he would kill my family. He also created a page on “The dirty.com” (while I am unsure if it was him, I have a strong suspicion it was), where even as of 2017, people have still been commenting, saying the most brutal, disgusting, vile, and slanderous comments you could imagine. Laughing and sharing the most obscene of lies. Because he was the vocalist of a rising/successful heavy metal band, he had gained popularity and respect from people in that music scene that listened to his music. Thus, manipulating and persuading his army of followers and fans to continue his tirade of defamation – making the situation that much worse. I received threatening messages from people I didn’t even know, as well as countless screenshots of comments and remarks from Facebook, thedirty.com page, and other blogs- of how much of disgusting slut I was, scene whore, how I begged to be gangbanged, and that I’ve had 3 abortions. All of which is completely false. It went on for several years. The ridicule, the disgusting profanity of lies people made up about me just because they could. A seemingly endless collection of misogynistic comments and remarks – perpetuated into degrading, slanderous blogs, hate pages, and facebooks comments – all directed at me, just because I was manipulated into dating an abusive rapist.
9 years later, I am still not over this ordeal, neither the abuse or the public ridicule and the humiliation of being a young, teenage victim.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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