Hailey’s Story: His “sorry” isn’t enough

Hi my name is Hailey and I was raped. This letter goes out to my rapist.

I trusted, loved and unconditionally cared for you, and the night you first laid your hands on me I didn’t know where my feelings would go. Till this day I managed to keep you from harm. Why couldn’t you have done the same? I ask myself everyday. I lied to my parents about all the other times you’ve hurt me. I tried to lie to myself, telling myself if I were to think about it I should shame myself. The very first night this all started, I was in my bed while asleep with my younger brother sleeping next to me for comfort. I don’t understand how I would have led you to thinking I wanted it, any of it because I didn’t. You placed your hand on my butt, squeezed and shook even pushed it as if you meant to wake me. I was confused and even asked what you were doing. You woke my little brother and told him to go sleep in his bed and he did. You let me sleep for a few more minutes before you started touching again. This time you pushed me over so you had room to lay in my bed. I was scared. To say the least, I was afraid of what was going to happen next. I then feel your hand ride up and down my body and you grabbed my hand, I pushed you away. This happened multiple times until you’d stop to wait for me to slowly fall back to sleep then you took out your … and I felt you rubbing it up and down my back, that’s when I knew something worse was coming. You quickly pulled down my shorts and I started to shake, you got started I could tell. You told me you thought I was having a seizure, in fact this is what happens to a victim of rape, this is the trauma. You whispered in my ear, “ Has anyone done this to you before?” I shed a tear, I indicated, no. This was the first, but not the last. I pushed but soon I went numb. My legs I couldn’t move but that wasn’t a problem because you were able to put it in anyway, I froze and cried silently. You hurt me. You tried kissing me, as well as my neck. You knew you hurt me, you knew you were the first to hurt me this way and all you said was, “I’m sorry.” Never will that be enough, I starved myself for months, cried for well over a year every night never being able to let go of this trauma. Your sorry can never make up for what you did and you need to take responsibility for your actions and get help, seriously get help.
I simply just hope you never hurt another girl, person, child, the way you hurt me because the last time you did this to me was the last time. I’ll never forget what you did and I’m sure this letter will remind you that you are a rapist and If I need to, I will make it known that you are. You ruined a life, my life and I did nothing to ruin yours.