Genevieve’s Story: I Wasn’t Sure If It Was Rape

It was my first semester at college. It was 2014. I have never spoken to anyone about this in my life. It is partly because I don’t know if I would define it as rape. Mostly because the detail are fuzzy… It was getting cold outside, so it was roughly around October. I decided to hang out with a guy I met at a party a couple weekends previously, we will call him A. So, A and I hang out in his dorm room and we make out, but nothing more happens. He asks if I want to go to a party that his friend is having, so I decided why not? The place had maybe, twenty people.. nothing too wild. I remember sitting down in the living room and drinking. I remember having three beers before I felt way too drunk. At this point its only little segments. I know guy A, left with some friends, not sure why. This is when I met my rapist. I remember flirting with him and sitting next to him, then a text from the guy i came with, A, which said, “What are you doing” as I look up and see him there. I only remember seeing him for a little time after that, before he left me there alone. I eventually go back to my rapist’s friend’s place with two people. We hang out in his garage and my rapist starts making out with me and trying to lift up my skirt and his friends were making fun and laughing. I remember saying no but in a laughing sort of way, when you’re embarrassed. The next thing i knew i was passed out on the couch, and he comes back with a condom. He tried to have sex with me and i say no. But, i remember being drunk and laughy at the time like I meant to say no, but it wasn’t taken seriously. The next thing i knew, I have remember pieces of having sex. I do for sure though, remember waking up the next day at 6 am. I walked and hour in a tight cocktail dress barefoot back to campus. I got to my dorm room around 7, when i usually wake up for class. I got into the shower and went to class like nothing had happened. I felt fine at first. I was a physics major at the time. One day when i was n the study room i saw him there and he smiled at me, and i felt dead on the inside. I wanted to leave the school i just felt him watching me after that everywhere i went. I changed majors and classes, to have one of my rapist’s friends in my class with me. I left after the year was over. I just couldn’t do it. I guess i feel confused about that part of my life because I don’t remember if i said no stern enough to let him know. I got to a different college now. And I am turning 22 next month, and i now feel comfortable sharing, at least online anonymously. I like to tell myself the self harm that occurred after wasn’t a result, but i feel it was. I guess i still feel a little ashamed because i am responsible for myself. I didn’t remember everything, and i really wasn’t sure what to say. But… thankyou for this website. I needed it.