Anonymous Story: It Was My Ex-husband

My story. 14 months later.

I think every rape victim at some point tells themselves “maybe I asked for this”, “maybe I did deserve this”, “I could’ve fought harder”, “did I lead him on?”

Well, I do at least…

For me, it was a bit more complicated. I knew my attacker..it was my ex husband. We had hooked up after the divorce twice. Both times were consensual. (Maybe that was my mistake?) Then April 10, 2015 came around. I was realizing how very hurt and lost I was and that I didn’t want to be with him. I didn’t want to share my body with him. He had violated our marriage in so many ways. And my brain was a cluster fuck because of him. And that day I was aware of it. He asked me to come pick up my alimony check. (I should’ve told him to mail it to me, but I needed the money.) I was wearing my bathing suit with a cover up because I was going to the beach (maybe I should’ve worn more clothes.) I pulled up to the house and told him I was there (I didn’t want to get out of my car.) He came over to my car window and began “sweet talking” me. He started touching me and asked me “what are you wearing” while moving his fingers down toward my vagina and then rubbing it. I pulled his hand away and said “my bathing suit I’m going to the beach… I really don’t want to do anything today.” Then, in a moment of uncomfortable panic I said “the only way I would EVER have sex with you is if you paid me for it. Haha.. (Why do you have to be sarcastic? I shouldn’t have said that..I should’ve stood my ground and not have made a joke. Did I just ask for it?) He told me “yeah..okayy” all while making me feel entirely like I was telling him otherwise. He told me that the check was inside and to come in to get it (I should’ve insisted that I wait in the car, but I went in.) I watched him write the check and then count out $20 or so in ones. Then, all at once he threw the money on the bed, turned me around, pulled down my bathing suit bottoms, bent me over and shoved his penis inside me. I was in complete shock. I didn’t know how to react. And so instead of yelling stop or trying to get away I just took it. Like this is what I’m made for and that I had no other option. He pulled out, turned me back around, pushed me onto the bed, and proceeded to climb on top of me and do it again. I laid there limp. I didn’t move. I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to do. My head was screaming “stop! I don’t want this! Please stop! I just want to leave!” But my body was paralyzed. He even added on the nice touch of telling me he “loved me” and then he had his way. I laid there unresponsive letting him violate me in the worst way. He came. It was finally over. I got up put my swim suit bottoms back on, took the check and left. The money laid on the bed where just minutes before my bare ass laid on top of it as he raped me. I remember him yelling something as I left but I didn’t respond. I just got in my car and drove. Before I even got out of the neighbor hood he called me. “I accidentally put the wrong last name on the check, I have to write you a new one. Pull over and I’ll switch them out for you.” So I did. He pulled up and says “Did you pick up the cash I gave you?”..I told him “No”. He handed me back the check and drove off. I looked down at the check..he included the money in the check that he threw on the bed…he paid me for my services. He actually just paid me for sex. Oh, I’m worth $20 by the way. He took my self worth away and then proceeded to stomp what was left of my dignity into the dirt. I felt like trash. I have never in all my life, even the life spent with him, felt so used and abused. Like an object that is interchangeable. I felt like scum. The person who told me for years that he loved me just raped me. I didn’t know what to do or say. So I didn’t. Until now. It took me 14 months…but I am finally speaking up. It may not have any effect at all on him or the abuse that occurred. But I finally spoke up. I finally put it into words. That means something. It has to.