Evelyne’s Story: what i wish i’ve would of told him

Evelyne’s Story: what i wish i’ve would of told him

Hi my name is Evelyne, I live in Canada. Here is a resume of my story. (I’m not use to write in English)
2 month after I was 18 years old I was rape. I was rape while I was drunk by a ex-colleague of mine. I wasn’t sure it was rape, I had flashbacks, i dont know if I was druged, I HATED my reactions afterwards, I don’t remember everything that happened it was violent, I saw him multiple time at bars afterwards, to this day I haven’t report it, I prefer telling myself it was my first one night stand and I didn’t like the experience. If you are curious here is the story:

I was going back at my place, had to drive 900km. The girl I was with wanted to stop half way. Turns out I knew someone living halfway. The guy I knew was actually and old co-worker of mine. We had worked three years together in the past. I enjoyed the memories I have with him. That said, the memories I have of you now aren’t so good. I remember parts of my night, but I don’t remember kissing you, how it felt. I don’t even know if we really kissed or if you are just lying. I don’t remember if I was totally naked if you took my clothes off or if I did. I don’t remember if we did anything before what I do remember. I what I do remember scares me. The first thing I remember is sounds, moaning sounds. Loud moaning sounds. Then I remember what I saw (in my head). I was thinking in my head that the sounds I was hearring was porn, I was imagining / seeing a porn star in my head and then. I heard another sound, knocking then I heard his voice. I remember what he said: ” – Go and piss outside, we’re busy.” While that interaction happen I remember smashing my head on the shelfs above my head. Then I saw the back of the washer, something fell behind it too. The only other thing I remember is telling you that I didn’t want your to hear me. I remember that I was scared that my hair would stay in your hands, I remember the weight of your body crushing my hips on the washer.After that, I remember getting out of the bathroom and everyone had left. Then you were behind me in your bed, I remember you were spitting on my parts. I also remember you were telling me things like :You like that mmhh? You are naughty etc. You put your finger in my mouth while you were behind me penatring me. You choked me too. I remember crying. You told me no big deal i’ll fuck you tomorrow morning. When I woke up I saw you, I was like thats right we had sex in the bathroom I cheated on my boyfriend. AND then we had sex in the morning I sucked you and we had sex if I remember correctly (it doesnt matter) the sex we had in the morning was consentual. I asked you if you knew where my clothes were, you said you couldn’t help me with that. After we went at a restaurent to eat breakfast. I was feelling really weird, bad and confused. I was thinking in my head I had sex with him, i cheated on my boyfriend, I had sex with HIM, it was SO weird in my head. We finished eating, I went to the bathroom, pulled my pants up and saw HUGE bruises on my hips. I then remember that my hips were hitting the washer. I paid and we said goodbye in the parking lot since I was continuing my journey towards my appartement. I told you text me if you are ever in … i’m gonna move their in my own appartement. Then I talked with my friend on our 6 hours drive back home. When we were talking I began to feel really bad, I couldn’t answer her questions. Was it good? Did you use a condom? How did it start? How are you feeling going back to see your boyfriend after that ? What will you do about the fact that you cheated ?

I told my boyfriend I cheated on him, I wouldn’t let him see me naked, I was looking at myself in thee miror and it didn’t make sense. The first thing I wanted to do is wash myself. I remember that my boyfriend wanted to cuddle with me, I dont remember if I have told him before or after that but I remember that the next morning I sucked him because he was horny but I couldn’t have sex with him. anyways he saw my bruises and he asked me what had happen I told him that (HE) did that to me. He was MAD MAAAD he punched I the wall beside me. I was scared. After a while I got that he wasn’t mad at me he was mad at (HIM). I went and see the school nurse, she ask me why I was there I told her I wanted to get tested because I had sex. She told me did you use protection ? I told her: I don’t remember,I don’t know, I didn’t have a choice. She said so you had a non-consentual report? I told her yes. She gave me a cup to urinate in, and then she told me that she had to make a call. She said I have a girl here that had non-consentual sex…. yes … bla bla… Then she told me she would bring me at the hospital, we went. I saw a doctor, she took all kind of sample in my mouth, my anus, my vagina, etc. I saw a social worker. She asked me many question, did he put … in your mouth, vagina, anus, etc etc etc It was difficult.

We exchanged text him an I, I told him it wasn’t ideal to have sex while drunk, telling him it’s difficult to establish consent. etc I was deeply disturbed when I was telling him this. He answered, yeah your right . He said sorry it happen!! I said : It’s all good! I’ll forget about it. Then, I told him in another long text what I remembered and if he could fill in the blanks that I had. I told him I don’t want to live with the impression that I was raped if it’s not the case and I just remember things the (bad) out of context things. He said: Evelyne, both of us were drunk and both of us wanted at the time! You wanted too if not more than me ! You were excitting me. I didn’t force you to do anything and neither did you. I understand that you were drunk and so was I. I didn’t force you to do anything and neither did you. We both had a moment of weakness. And we both didn’t want to but we did. As soon as I was going in my room you were following me and kissing me. I went downstairs to let the steam go down. Then we all played beer pong and we went together upstairs in the bathroom. It was a mistake that we both regret, I don’t know why you have bruises but I never forced myself on you! I’m sorry for how you feel and you know I didn’t want to do that!! Listen evelyne text me i’ll help you in all of this because WE both did it! I don’t know what to tell you it’s really something that we both didn’t want! I understand you!
To that I answered: I kissed you? Aftter that it was really difficult. I told him I want to know what happen etc. He told me I get that you are upset that you cheated on your boyfriend. THAT WAS NOT WHAT I WAS UPSET ABOUT. Anyways… it’s difficult writting this. I acted so dumb I wanted to believe him. That I had only cheated on my boyfriend. Has im writting this I want to bring him to court, omg I want to report his ass. It’s difficult because I feel guilty afterwards. He would be punished for something that happenned 2 years ago and that I told him i was now okay with. The truth is that I am not okay. I’m scared.

Thanks for reading my story. I’ll come back and tell you guys if I ever decide to go back to court. ( I reported my uncle because he assaulted me and raped my sister manytimes) that’s another story but it’s also a reason why I don’t want to go back in all this. I’m tired.

Evelyne

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WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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