Eva’s Story: I Was A Victim Too

I’m writing this for all the women who doubt themselves and look into the eyes of someone you thought you loved for comfort. Another person’s comfort isn’t something I could ever rely on. If I wanted someone to ease my pain, heartbreak, or loneliness for a period of time, I could choose the person I willingly wanted to do so. In turn I could forget about all the abuse they caused me.

This cycle started when I was small, I was 13. My mother didn’t know how to communicate that she was upset with my actions. So instead, she just called me the worst possible names in the English language (slut, whore, prostitute, stupid, trash, etc). Man, she had a vivid imagination of what my sexuality was. I fought for myself for a long time, being free and happy despite how she thought of me. But shit happens, and I needed someone’s shoulder to cry on.

By the time I was 19 I gave up. I failed in college and university twice and I really couldn’t concentrate on anything but escaping myself through drugs and alcohol. I started stripping for a week and realised it wasn’t for me. I needed too much money for my drug and alcohol habit that the strip clubs in Canada couldn’t support. Instead I turned to selling drugs and pimping out other women. This lasted a brief period of time until I was 21 and met someone who changed my life.

I met X through a girl I was pimping out. He let her stay with him and they both got high everyday. I thought we could be friends since we both were involved in drugs the same way, I naively thought we could be a team. That hope never actually came true, stupid and silly as it is. I always was treated like I was too innocent to know about the real dangers of this lifestyle which he fully engaged in each time my back was turned (literally I would be in the same room). At that point my ego was hurt, but it was something I could understand.

I found out later he had a long list of exes that felt the same way. I saw a lot of red flags; my friends thought he was creepy when they first met him, the girl he lived with said he was controlling and abusive, he wouldn’t let me speak to his friends without him being present, my friends eventually stopped talking to me because I was always with him, he would yell and scream at anyone who wasn’t acting how he wanted them to, etc

Still I thought I was the one who could see the good in him, and all the other women just weren’t as smart, or they were too psychotic to understand a man.

I remember one night we were high on GHB and he told me, “I could sell you for $500.” I’ve dealt with blacking out before on alcohol and not knowing how my clothes got changed. I never heard anyone say this to me before unless they were a pimp. Even pimps don’t say THAT. I blacked out on GHB a couple nights after he said this and I woke up in his bed not knowing how I got there. And there was no one around else to tell me what happened. Two years later, I read in his writing the words, “pimped out my gf to get high”. I don’t know if he means me or an ex-gf but regardless anyone who did this to any women, I cannot find it in my heart to forgive. Even if I was once too the same person.

I know there are a lot of methods of manipulation which he used, but I cannot remember them all right now. He used to re-direct conversations to other people being at fault justifying his actions towards them.

I just want to post this, and I am leaving him tonight. I hope this gets out to someone in a similar situation, who doubts themselves because their partner never gives clear answers. I used to fight, but I have become a coward. I hope to fight again one day.