EmmaX’s Story: I Don’t Know What To Do Now

This is such a long story, feel free to skip it, I would…

When I was 12, my dad was good friends with this guy, very well known, kid of one of the greatest guys out there, smile that broke a 12 year old’s stupid heart everytime I saw it. I always admired him, before it clicked that the low quality screensaver photo on my phone was the same guy who was coming in and out to see my dad and handing me £10 notes like they was going out of fashion. This guy was always cool, looked to me like I was, just a young kid, who fangirled over him. I got as close to him over the years as to say he was like a big brother, I loved him like one and he knew me better than anyone. No problems at all, he was there from age 12, and I got used to him being around.

Nothing happened until rebelious me turned 15 a few weeks ago this was, & my life was ruined. Police came to the door and explained to me mother (she always worked away, dad stayed at home, not the norm huh.) they said he was dead. She explained to me, & I didn’t know what the fuck to do. A few days later I made my excuses that things was getting to me & I wanted to be with a friend for a few days. Mum let me & the plan was I was going to go to my chillout spot, this place near a beach, you could sit there & look at the water, and nobody ever came up there. Nobody knew I went there except him, who was there when I said I was going to my friend’s house for a few days. I did my usual, sat there and cried a fair bit. I didn’t move an inch, just talking to myself thinking my dad would just come back I sat & did nothing, until I heard the familiar “Kiddo, come here.” And I knew that it was my 12 year old 2 week crush, so I went over and we spoke, went like this.

“You’re not going to any pal’s house are you?” Him

“No, I just wanted peace for a while.” Me

“Come with me, I’ll show you something cool.” Him

I trusted him like he was my brother, so I went with him to his car, “Your mother knows, you can stay at mine for a bit” & he called her in front of me to make sure, she nagged me for lying, said I was to stay with him, and not be a pain, so I thought nothing of it.

we got back to his place, & he showed me all the rooms and whatever else, left me for an hour. I was on the bed listening to music on my phone, his at that when I noticed him at the doorway, and without thinking he stepped over and sat by me, hand on my leg, thought nothing of it, he was a touchy feely guy, everyone knew lol. I put my phone down, & not even 15 seconds later he’s sitting over me, holding my wrists above my head, which I stupidly took as a carry on, so I didn’t fight him doing that, & he said if I didn’t argue, it wouldn’t hurt so much, & then I realised what was about to happen and I freaked out, I tried pushing him off, getting away, but for a tiny 15 year old vs a huge 50 something year old there was just no way, and he grabbed my wrists really tight & said sh*t about the fight got him going more, and that I was his for a week, & I could just like it. I’ve given up fighting now, & he’s taking my underwear off, telling me all sorts of crap about how he wouldn’t be rough if I behaved, because it was my first time, & he touched and kissed basically everywhere on me, & he positioned himself and I tried again, begged him not to, he looked me right in the eye & forced himself in, the pain I cant even explain it, & I tried to get away, he punched me, & covered my mouth doing whatever he wanted, and when he came close he said he was gonna finish in me, & I was too scared to say no, so he did, then he got dressed, sat beside me, held me and just made me feel like maybe I had the whole thing wrong, rapists dont stay behind & tell you how much they’d always wanted to do that, do they? So, I let him just hold me, while I was bleeding & in agony he said stuff about the first is always the worst, and he took me through to the bathroom to clean up, and he was so nice after that I thought he wasn’t the scary guy I had thought, it was me, I had the wrong idea of what sex was like, and he hadn’t hurt me at all. A few hours later he came through again, asked if I was okay, told him I hurt, he said he was sorry, that it was meant to hurt, & he came over and we kissed, and he did the same again, except he was gentle, & it was at my speed, when I stopped though, he got more pushy, said I had to finish, then after he was done he said he loved me, & that he just always felt that way, but the age made it wrong to everyone else… for a week it went on, ‘sleeping with’ this guy, why would someone like him want sex with someone like me, dont look a gift horse in the mouth I thought whenever he came through but I wasn’t up for it, and he got rough. He told me how lucky I was, & I let him… I’m not sure I can say it was all rape, only the 1st time was, but here’s where it gets complicated, this was (the sex/rape whatever it is) about 5 weeks ago, and I’m so fucking scared because I now know it wasn’t like I was so into it, I see it now, he got pissed off if I said stop, & blamed me, & he wants to meet up, & my mum doesnt know any of it, nobody does, so she said I can, & told him I would, & I know hes gonna do it again, & Im just fucking scared to death… sorry if its not what this page is for, I just really had to rant thats all…