Anonymous Poem: The Decision Before the Decision

i shouldn’t have made
the decision
before the decision
resolutions mean nothing
until midnight

and you can’t care what anyone thinks
because they don’t know
they weren’t there
they aren’t you

and you don’t
really know
either

plan b is the worst
and the most comforting
because it’s over

but you know that it is not over
but you won’t tell anyone

because by the time
you know what
happened
they
stopped
caring
and
judged
you

because by the time
they found you
naked
upstairs
not alone
help

help me remember
then make me forget

what decision

i did not make that decision
you made it for me

i only made
the decision
before the decision

when i went back to find my phone
nothing was familiar
you left your wallet
i found it but
i won’t touch it
i didn’t look
i don’t
want
to
know
who
you are

i left it on the floor
the floor where
they found
me
naked
upstairs
not alone
help

i lost a friend
i am sloppy
a whore
not
deserving
of your
attention
or your
friendship

do i thank you for finding me
or for dressing me
or for the looks of
pure disapproval
you gave me
when the
sun rose

confusion

but it’s clearer now
so fuck you too

a good friend
would have
asked questions
are you okay?
what happened?

rather than stare
from the comfort of your bed
out at me
uncomfortable
uncomfortably
“do you remember?
you were a mess”

thank you
and fuck you

i don’t know what happened
or if i chose what happened
so i won’t tell what happened
but i do know
that it was not ok

i just know
that i made
the decision
before the decision

the one that got me there

and i would
never
make
either decision
again