Danni’s Story: He was my friend

He was my friend.
I meet him in grade 9, when I was dating this girl. I joined her friend group- and he was apart of it. Things where great the first year I knew him. He was odd, but he was great.
when grade 10 came around I was no longer dating that girl (it only lasted a few months) but I was still in the friend group. the guy was someone I was very close with, slowly he started to change. he made very scary comments and made jokes about suicide pacts. no one took him for real. At this point- I actually kinda had a crush on him. I can pin point the exact moment I thought I felt something for him. He used that to his advantage. slowly we started hanging out on our own and he would make comments about my body and how much he liked me.

one day I was at an event for the LGBT club at my school and afterwards me and him hung-out. that’s when he made his first physical move on me. it didn’t go far. After that I didn’t real speak to him alone.
his mental health was slowly decreasing and as his friend I felt the need to help. Everyday he would make comments about how much he wanted to die. I found out threw my friends he loved me. He would always find ways to touch me (not sexually) like he would hold my hand claiming he was having a bad anxiety day, or would put his hand on my thigh claiming he needed support.
I was dating a new girl, who was a year younger than me. I told her how uncomfortable he was making me and she asked him to stop. he didn’t. One day he tried to kiss me, and then cried saying no one will ever love him, when I blocked him from the physical contact. I bussed home with him and he held my hand the whole way.

after that, there was tons of manipulation going on. I broke up with my girlfriend and one year later. He started to sexual assault me. The first time it happened, it didn’t go to far. He made out with me (consensually) and things started to progress. I made it very clear I wanted no hickeys, and to not do anything else then make out. Both of those things where ignored.
He pushed me back into a corner and then touched my breasts, after which he put his dick in my mouth and held my head and got me to preform oral on him. It ended because I bit his dick and kicked his leg as soon as it started, he has on different occasions held me down and fingered me, made me touch his dick, and once also simulated sex (humping I guess) telling me how he wished he could fuck me, but that would be to far, and how better I was the last time.

the last time he had ever done anything to me, was when I was sleeping, fuck my body because I had sleep paralysis (which I got frequently), and he had his dick in my mouth.

I have tried talking to him about it before and he told me he thought it was a game, which I guess is my fault for falling for his apologize, and believing him when he said sorry and that he loved me, and for feeling useless when not being used as a sex toy by him.

to this day, I still contact him when im feeling sucidal because I get back in the im worth nothing mindset.