C’s Story: I did everything wrong

C’s Story: I did everything wrong

I was supposed to sleep over at my best friend’s house. It was the night of our sorority formal, but I was restless and went on Tinder and matched with someone who wanted to meet. I gave our other friend his address and took an Uber over. He seemed nice. He didn’t even kiss me for the first hour. When the lights were turned off, we started kissing and touching. He asked if I had a condom – I didn’t and neither did he, so he didn’t really put his penis inside me, even though i wanted him to. It was nice. I rolled over and tried to go to sleep. As I started drifting to sleep I felt him press against me, and then inside me. I froze, but it didnt feel like “freezing”. I can’t explain it. But I pretended I was asleep. I was half asleep and it’s so hard to remember the details, or feel like it’s real some times. I didn’t really know that it “counted” as rape. He cuddled up to me after raping me, and that hurts so much when I remember that. How dare he? It hurt me for so long. It is hard to tell people, especially when they tell me to move on, or be stronger.

I struggle so much with wanting revenge. But I can never have that revenge I want. I just wish there was some way for me to know if karma got him.

I was assaulted outside a frat party a few months earlier, and that took me a while to admit that was an assault, too. The party had a constant flow of everclear punch that severely impaired me, made me ill and racked me with guilt and emotional pain for months, to the point where I couldn’t cry or feel much of anything, and no one understood why what happened at the party was such a big deal.

I never really reported either. I didn’t think the police could do anything. I still blame myself. I still feel alone. I still feel exhausted by people talking about how important it is to support survivors, but never feel supported. I just don’t want to feel alone. In this world where we constantly talk about sexual assault, I feel so alone.



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