Courtney B’s Story: While I Was Sleeping

Courtney B’s Story: While I Was Sleeping

It was last year (2014). I was attending a local college and living with my sister and her friends in an apartment in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. My sister and her roommates liked to throw a lot of parties. I didn’t attend all of them because although l like parties, l am a serious student. But there was this party for my sister’s birthday. Of course l attended it and l had a little more alcohol than l should have. I didn’t black out though. I just got very sleepy.

I went up to my room with this really nice guy l know through my sister. He and l only cuddled and l fell asleep. At some point during the night the nice guy leaves and goes home and someone else gets into my bed and starts touching me. It woke me up because I wasn’t expecting it. I was sleeping for crying out loud. I thought it was the nice guy from before because he had a similar hair cut and my room was dark. The apartment was pretty run down so my door didn’t actually have a lock nor could it stay shut.

After this incident l began sleeping with a table pushed up against my door. I figured if l ever got attacked l’d punch their lights out. I’d like to think that l’m a strong woman. But when it actually happened… I froze. I was afraid to move. I wish so badly that I could go back in time and tell that guy to get the hell out of my room. Why didn’t l do something? I hate myself for it still. He was touching my breasts and then he tried to put his hand in my pants. That l couldn’t handle. At that time l had a lot of sexual anxiety centered around that area. It just felt too close to me for anyone to be. Even with boyfriends I never let them touch me there.

I am still a virgin even to this day (by choice though, not anxiety. With my current boyfriend my anxiety is gone). The creep did not rape me (As weak as my lack of attempts to stop all of this was, l know that if he tried to rape me, l’d definitely had stopped him. I think that l froze and didn’t stop it because it was… For lack of better terms gentle? If l was being brutally attacked l feel l could meet that energy full on and defend myself. But this? At the time I didn’t know what the hell l was supposed to do.) It wasn’t rape but sexual assault none-the-less. I grabbed his hand at that point. I couldn’t handle anyone touching me there. He tried at least once more to put his hand in my pants with me grabbing his hand yet again then he eventually went to sleep.

In the morning l turned slightly to see who it was (yes yes l should have kicked him out. I was stupid. I let this pervert spend the night in my bed. I have so much guilt about it). I recognized him. He was one of my sister’s friends. Once upon a time back in high school l even slightly admired him. Now l want nothing to do with him. I don’t even want to be in the same room with him. He was probably drunk but is that an excuse? I think not. I turned back away from him. He was waking up. I could hear him looking at his phone and that artificial “clicking” sound that iPhones make when you text. After that he finally got up and left. I told my sister what happened. She told his friend to tell him to apologize. He sent me a Facebook message. It was probably an apology. I confess l could never bring myself to read it. Perhaps if l did it would give me closure for the guilt l still feel. For anyone reading this please don’t make the mistake l made.

A gentle attack is still an attack. How stupid l was for lying there and letting this “man” violate me.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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