Cloud’s story: Was i raped

I was drinking wine with my great friend [S]. We were playing Monopoly and catching up on each others life. I had taken a gap year from college so it was nice to see all of my friends again. Everyone was tired so they went to bed and I settled in on the couch. [S] was still talking to me when [R] came down stairs. Sensing that [R] wanted to talk to me [S] left me and [R] alone downstairs. [R] sat on the couch.We talked for a bit and he started getting closer and closer. He moved in to kiss me and I never moved away. I let him kiss me. I didn’t like him, he was like a brother but I let him kiss me anyways. He kissed me for a bit and then said he wanted to go upstairs. I told him I was too tipsy to walk so he carried me on his back up the stairs. He laid me on his bed and kissed me some more and took off my clothes. I didn’t say no. He moved to eat me out and I didn’t’t say no again. I didn’t want this. I wanted to be asleep and yet I didn’t say no. Then he put me on top of him and asked for a blow job. I remember staring at it not wanting to do anything not knowing what to do but I put my mouth on it and gave it a few sloppy strokes. He then got on top of me and asked if I was drunk I said that I was fine but I couldn’t look him in the eye. He wanted to have sex and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to say no. I wasn’t scared of him I didn’t think he would hurt me so why couldn’t I just say no?? He asked me again if I was drunk and then slipped it in. Everything seemed so loud so he moved us to the floor. I remember laying there almost in tears not knowing what to do. I finally got up and cried by the door trying to find my clothes. He kept saying he loved me and that it was okay. Later he texted me saying that it was 50/50. That I was equally to blame. I have been struggling with this. It happened almost a year ago. Is what I am feeling valid. Was I raped or assaulted. Or is it my fault?