Chloe’s Story: was i asking for it?

Chloe’s Story: was i asking for it?

I am 16 years old and I was sexually assaulted. He was my friend, or at least that’s what I thought.

When he first started talking to me, he was getting drunk by himself. He was in a bad place, and I wanted to help.

I’ve suffered from severe anxiety and depression for 5 years now and I knew what it was like to try and numb the pain.

That night was one of my lowest, and I decided to drink. He knew I was drinking and asked if I wanted to hangout but I didn’t think anything of it.

He had told me he was high so I convinced my mom to bring me to his house. I sat in the car and spoke as little as I could because I didn’t want her to know I had been drinking.

It wasn’t my first time hanging out with this boy, so I wasn’t worried. I also had a boyfriend at the time which he knew, and he promised me he would respect that, so I trusted him.

That was my first mistake.
I thought I was fine, but I would soon realize that wasn’t the case.

For a while we just sat and talked and then all of the sudden he was taking my pants off. And then it goes blank. The next thing I remember my legs are over his head. And then it goes blank again. At some point, I can remember him saying, “you’re so lazy,” as I lied there practically lifeless. The next thing I know he’s asking me if I’m on birth control, which I am. The last words I can remember him saying were, “you’re going to get cum on my bed.” At the time I couldn’t even understand what he meant.

The next morning I woke up with my sweatpants on, but no underwear, and his shirt, but no bra. I was in shock at first, but then the pieces I could remember started playing back in my head.

He drove me home and we sat in the car silent most of time. I just stared out the window wondering what happened.

A few hours later I got a text from him saying, “are you ok?”
I didn’t think he really cared so I said, “yeah, why?”
And then I got a response that terrified me. He said, “well I’ve never came inside someone before, so I just wanted to make sure you’re not preggos or something.”

At this time, I had previously run out of pills and just started taking them again a few days before. I immediately went into a panic and had to ask a mutual friend for help. So I did the only thing I could, and had a friend buy me the morning after pill.

I was so angry for putting myself in that situation, but where I could only remember pieces, it seemed as if he could remember everything. So I asked him, “were you still high when this happened?”
He told me, “no, not really,” and I couldn’t understand why he would do it then so I asked, and his response was, “well I was really horny and stressed.”
So what makes that ok?

For a while this stayed between me, him, and 2 of my friends until a couple weeks later, I decided to tell my therapist.
I always believed it was my fault and part of me still does, but she told me he’s a predator and he assaulted me.

So I finally got the courage to tell my boyfriend, and he left me because in his eyes, I chose this, and most of the people who know, whether they heard from me or someone else do believe it was my fault, so it’s been almost impossible for me to believe it wasn’t.

But I now know, I didn’t ask for it. I put myself in a vulnerable situation, but I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t want it.
He stole a piece of me, he broke my trust, he hurt me, he abused me, but the worst part is, he let me believe that I asked for it.

So this is my story, and to anyone out there who shares a similar story and believes it’s their fault, it’s not.
It doesn’t matter if you were drinking. It doesn’t matter if you went out with him. It doesn’t matter if you wore a tight dress or showed a little skin.
Unless you both willingly, in your right mind, decide you’re ready to take that step, it is not your fault.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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