Bee’s Story: You Ruined My Life

I don’t know how, but I’ve forgotten so much about when it happened. I know that I had just started year 9 (8th grade) and I was a typical girl with my friends and my boyfriend and I generally loved life. I’d dealt with childhood self harm and depression previously but I’d overcome that. I was 13 and I was looking forward to my year ahead.

I remember walking home one night, and in my area there are a lot of places that don’t have much light, you could only see what was directly in front of you.

I remember hearing footsteps behind me, but I didn’t think anything of it, I was a carefree girl. I felt him getting closer and I have always wondered why it didn’t click that something could be wrong. I had no doubt that he was just a regular guy walking home, same as me. But I will never forget how cold his hands were when he grabbed my wrists and pushed me against the wall. I was in shock, It took me so long to understand what was going on, and when I finally came to my senses, I couldn’t get away. I kicked and thrashed, but he was so much stronger and bigger than me. My wrists were burning and I just couldn’t get his hands away from them. I didn’t even think to scream for help, maybe there was someone there who would have helped me.

I remember him grabbing my throat, and pressing me against the wall with his body while he tugged at my pants with his free hand. I couldn’t breathe, all I did was cry. I had my hands free, why didn’t I fight back? I saw so many posts about what to do in this situation but I never imagined actually being in this situation. I thought he would kill me if I tried anything.

I tried to resist his attempts, but I just couldn’t stop it. I felt myself tear as he forced himself inside of me. It hurt. So much. And I couldn’t do anything about it. This complete stranger took my innocence and ripped it to shreds in the space of maybe ten minutes.

I went home. I didn’t know what to do. My mother wasn’t there, I can’t remember where she was. I got changed and went for a shower. I spent a good hour just standing there, not thinking about a damn thing. I remember checking myself. I felt myself down there, and I felt wrong. I was disgusted in myself. How could I let him do that to me? I was so sore. I took the underwear I was wearing and I hid them under my bed and I just remember crying and crying and crying. I had to tell someone. But I couldn’t tell anyone that I let someone do that.

I told my boyfriend at the time, that someone had tried to rape me, but that I got away. I knew I should have said either nothing or the whole truth, but I instantly felt better. He had no sympathy. The only thing he could do was tell me to go to the police. And I was alone again. I cried myself to sleep. The next day I woke up, still in complete shock, but of course I couldn’t let my mother know, right ? I acted as chirpy as always, but every time I looked at myself, I cried. I went to school, and I told my best friend that someone had tried to rape me. She gave me a hug, and we went on with our day. I didn’t want a hug. I wanted to sit down and cry to her for hours. 2 days later, my boyfriend broke up with me, because I was depressed. That didn’t even phase me.

The next week was filled with thoughts, things I could have done, things I shouldn’t have done, maybe I was asking for it ? Maybe I deserved it. I was a whore, I was disgusting. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing my virginity that way.

So I did the unspeakable. I visited an ex boyfriend. The ex boyfriend that lied to me about his age, that hit me and made me feel worthless. But in this time, he was like an angel sent from heaven. I told him what I wanted. And he did exactly that. I cried the entire time, even though it was nothing compared to what had happened.
At least I’d lost my virginity the proper way though, right ?

That’s not the end. That’s not even the beginning.

Within five weeks, I found out I was pregnant. I don’t know which was worse, the idea of having a child fathered by a rapist, or having a child fathered by a boy I had sex with because I was raped.

I told my friends that I was pregnant. I told them it was my exes. They were happy for me.

The weird part was, I was happy. I felt like I finally had a light at the end of this tunnel. I didn’t care who this baby’s father was, I loved her so much from the very beginning.

I called her Lola.

But of course things never work out for me, right ?

The night before I planned to tell my family and friends everything, I woke up with a horrible pain. I rushed down to the bathroom. I knew she was gone before all the blood came gushing out. I was alone again. No one ever found out.

I came close to telling my mother last year, but she threatened to call the police so I told her that I’d gotten away.

I’m 16. I am still a child. But I have been forced into a life I did not want. I suffer from depression, social anxiety disorder, separation anxiety, panic disorder, chronic insomnia, and trichotillomania, diagnosed without even having to tell a single soul about what happened to me.

The thought of having sex fills me with disgust. I can’t be pinned by my wrists, or at all for that matter. I can’t be choked even in play fighting. I haven’t had a flashback in over a year but I still get nightmares. They’re still as terrifying as ever.

I still miss my baby.

Since that night, I have tried to kill myself 3 times, and each time I get closer and closer.

I know that I need to get better. I’m in therapy, although I don’t plan on telling her. I want my life back. I hope by sharing this, maybe I can regain some of what I’ve lost. I have been hiding this for 3 years and I don’t wanna hide it for the rest of my life.

I still blame myself. I still tell myself that this is my fault, I let that happen to me. I will never forget it. I feel like if I tell anyone, no one will believe me. I am alone. I am ashamed.

I just hope one day I can forgive myself.