Becoming Healthy Again (Part One)

After my assault, literally the next day I worked out at the gym across the street from my drama school. that gym was to become my second home. Before the assault I used to gym it about three days a week, maybe four, after the assault I went pretty much everyday. It was something I could control, that and food. My diet went from healthy salads and fun pancakes, a good balance between the good and the bad, to a five apples a day, maybe some nuts if I felt like it and sometimes one full meal a day and it did not consist of much. That meal was also only because I thought “I must eat something at least”, not because I was hungry.  My appetite had just disappeared, gone, left he building and I did not know where it had gone.

I ate this way for about five months and my weight plummeted. I remember three of my class mates pulling me aside and saying I had gone too far with the weight lose. Inside I felt so pleased with myself because to me I had controlled it, “Oh my goodness I’m back in control!”, but honestly I simply wasn’t hungry. If hunger did creep up on me I just ate apples until I was full, easy. It was all about control, control, control and the exercising was a huge release for me, huge. I loved it but I hated that fact that it had all come from something so horrendous.

Control became a big thing in my life, these two things I was in charge of and it felt great. I got so angry when people used to try and force feed me, I would seriously get blood curdling mad. I did not know who this person was and nor did I like her.

I did not feel connected in my body any more and there was huge disconnect between my angry, sad brain and my starved body. I went about my business in this cycle for about five years. The only change I made was adding about ten cups of green tea to my diet and sugary items. The caffeine got me amped up enough with each cup to get through the day without falling asleep half way through and the sugar was just something to burn off.

When I moved to Los Angeles I was terrified of eating the “Big American Sized” portions everyone tells you about. However, luckily LA is healthy food central, hurray. It was actually in LA where I really started to get my diet back on track and instead of getting even thinner I worked out a lot and started to actually eat well (or at least “well” for me).

Fast forward six years I had changed my way of eating and thinking and I was on a journey of recovery, the previous six years were just a blur. I thought about the attacker and the other two people involved everyday! I cannot begin got tell you now that I look back how mad I get for allowing them to take up MY TIME! My precious time and space in my head, how dare they! They robbed me of so much goodness and now my twenties were almost over and I felt like I had been a zombie throughout them.

I started a quest to find out how I could regain charge of my body again and own it, because after all, it is mine and only mine. I started doing trapeze and aerial silks again and I did aerial pole for two years until I messed up my shoulder. (More of those ways of connecting with your body in another blog – I have so much to say already on them as healing exercises).

For over a year and a half now I have been so focused on yoga and how it has helped me truly connect my mind and body back together again, old friends reunited.

My yoga teacher said something the other day in class, “ Your mat is a reflection of your life, if you are anxious and worried, it will show up on your mat today. That is why you have to void your mind of everything for the time that you are here.”

I have dabbled in yoga before, I used to do it everyday at drama school with my performing teacher, but I was not “present” and it seemed more of a chore to do. But I was not fully connected so what did I expect? Doing yoga consistently in your everyday life is different to “dabbling in it”, it changes you for the better. It is the one of hour of the day that you CANNOT THINK about anything that is going on, that has happened, that you will be doing after. It is your time and only yours and if you do think of something else other than the practice, you will wobble and fall over, trust me.

After assaults we put a lot of blame on ourselves, we feel a lot of guilt, we have so many emotions going through us that it becomes tiring. It becomes overwhelming. Take that aspect out of your life for one hour each day, if you can’t do each day try and practice at least four to five times a week. Your time and your mind has already been taken up by matters out of your control, so I strongly advise you to take that time back for yourself. In time (I hated it when people would say this to me but alas it is true) you will heal because as they say, time is a healer.

The article below is one of many I have read in the past about yoga being a great healer for the mind and body for sexual assault survivors. I encourage you to try it at least for one month.

http://www.thebreathenetwork.org/transcending-the-trauma-of-sexual-violence-with-yoga

There are also Facebook pages that encourage yoga as part of the healing process, Transcending Sexual Trauma Through Yoga. If you feel strong and brave enough they even teach courses on how to become an instructor.

https://www.facebook.com/ZabieKhorakiwalaYoga/

If you are not on Facebook here another way to connect with Zabie who is based in Los Angeles and teaches group classes, privates and retreats!

http://www.zabieyamasaki.com/#about-zabie

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