Ashley’s Story: My Life Story That Changed Me

Ashley’s Story: My Life Story That Changed Me

My Life Story That Changed Me

I have a story that I like to share with you because in same ways its helping me to let go and if you are going through or went though the same experience it may help you as well. It’s letting you know and whomever else know that they are you aren’t alone. Reading others people’s experience about the same or similar situation can help cope with the issues you may have after the matter.
I was molested for two years, it began at the age of 12 and ended when I was 13 almost 14. It’s something I live with every day of my life and memories that are really difficult to let go of. Some of us such as myself never let them go. I have tried but it always seems to come back up whether I hear about another child or a story about it or how it affects my life or someone else’s, the topic never seems to leave my life. A smell could bring a flashback to occur and or the person brought up in a conversation or could bump into them or their family members. Growing up I didn’t have that typical childhood that a child should have. Not having my father in my life affects it a lot because when you are a little girl that’s all you want. I thought a male that I could trust, a male I could love for just being there for me and I thought he thought of me as his own daughter. But I was wrong, he found me variable and he took advantage of a little girl that was just trying to find a father figure in her life.
When it first happened when I was 12 I was scared nervous so I pretended to sleep. The next day it was weird. It went on for awhile where I became not wanting to go home. So I used school and sports as my get away from home excuse. My safe haven was my grandparents house because there I could sleep, felt comfortable and could be a kid for a weekend or weeks if it was breaks I could just be a kid. I could just be me, a fun chipper little girl that I loved to be. But just after a few months it happened I didn’t dress as a girl I dressed as a boy because in my mind I thought it would stop. Going to school was worse because I felt as if the boys would look at me with disgust because in my mind I thought they knew my secret. Same with the girls at school except I felt as if they were better than I because they were untouched. They were the ones that boys wanted because they were untouched. My middle school year I joined band because it would keep me there after school to practice. Noticing that the boy clothes weren’t working I would still wear them to keep the others away because at that time I didn’t like boys nor men. Its never easy going to school with a secret that could potentially pull the last bit of family you have left away. Not knowing what would happen if I told and in my mind I felt as if no one would believe me. I felt as if I told my mom she would just laugh and my siblings would be mad because thinking that we finally had a family mom could stop stressing and ruined so I kept it to myself. I shared a room with my little sister we had bunk beds and I would sleep next to her because in my mind she was variable too and so I protected her by sleeping in the same bed with her by the wall and myself where I was variable. Thinking to myself I want her to have a childhood I don’t want her to experience this. Some nights it was short and some it was long, and in the mornings I would put a fake face on so no one would notice nothing was wrong. There were days where I thought of ending my life so it would just stop but then I thought of my little sister he would go after her next. During the time I felt alone with no one to talk to and no that would understand or believe me. So I kept it to myself, after just not saying anything about it I kept a journal cause at least it felt like I was talking to someone. When I kept that journal a long the way I met my bestfriend and eventually told her but I asked her not to tell and she told her mom but her mom respected my wishes for no one to find out until I was ready. I became lost and became comfortable with it like it was a daily routine before I fell asleep. I would just lay there until he was done and cry when he left. Go to the bathroom and clean myself up. I would look at the mirror and just want to die because I knew I wasn’t going to have a family of my own because who would want a girl that was violated.
Eventually I was numb to everything, I didn’t care if I lived or died all I knew was I wanted it to be over but I was afraid to talk. I was 13 when I lost my virginity unwillingly, and it scared me because being catholic even though we didn’t follow our religion but you weren’t suppose to lose your virginity until you were married and if you did you would be sent to hell or limbo or casted out but luckily we didn’t follow it that strict. As each day went past it never became easy it never became a happy environment for me even when my mom found out. My mom found out in my journal that my sister had read and handed to my mom. Mom had called me into the room and asked if it was true and I said yes mom with my head pointed down and tears falling from my eyes. Mom told me that she is going to call him home and I begged her not to but she told me he needs to be confronted about it and she called him home. She had looked at me and said okay tell him what you told me and I told him and he denied it. My heart stopped right there because for a minute I thought my mom wasn’t going to believe me. I thought she would look at me and say why would you write and say something like that when he has helped us get by. I was preparing myself for a major beating because when I was growing up you lied you get whipped and sent to your room. But as nothing happened mom just cried and asked him why. My grandmother and My aunt were called and so were the cops. That night I stood with my grandmother and she sat there and said it’s over he isn’t going to harm you anymore. She held me all night and she cried a little and she had asked me why didn’t I tell her. I shook my shoulders and said because this place became my safe haven and I didn’t want that ruined and taken from me because of the accusations that was towards him. My grandmother looked at me and said you can never be taken from me ever.
I had to sit and talk to child protective services and detectives, mom had pulled me out of school for a couple of weeks. When I returned to school, people asked me where I have been and how I was doing. I told them a relative that was close to me passed away, the consoler in the school pulled me out of class and said if I needed to talk or wanted to just sit in quite I could go to her office. I felt uncomfortable the first day back in school, everyday I wanted to leave. The week of the court date, was nerve racking because I hadn’t seen him since the day of the incident. I begged the attorney not to make me stay and she told me you will just stay in the court room long enough to identify him and tell the courts what happened. I got up on the stand and identified him and told the courts the what happened. I felt scared wanting to cry because his lawyer was asking me the same question but in a different way hoping I would mess up. Hoping that my story would change but it didn’t. It got so frustrating because he kept on saying the same question except in a different way and I started to cry. I tried my hardest to not look at the male that had destroyed my childhood but I couldn’t help it I wanted him to know that he lost everything I had for him love respect and my trust. As I glared into his eyes I could only see shame and heartbroken like he knew what he did wrong was a mistake that he shouldn’t have made. As I put my head down at the stand they pulled the cherry lube he had used on me and the similar boxers he had worn one night that I had describe and as they pulled the evidence out I started to cry harder with my head pointed down. The judge looked at me and said are you okay to continue and I looked at my mom my grandmother and my aunt and all of them were crying and as I looked at my grandmother she had looked at me with this look and letting me know everything will be okay you will be okay. I turned to the judge and said yes. You may continue he had said. The attorney had asked me how did I know that the liquid substance was lubacation? I had replied because one day I was helping my mother clean her room and I had asked her what it was and she told me adult things I am sorry you noticed it. The smell got me and smelled like cherries like the lube I had seen. His attorney had asked me if I was sure that his client had sexually assaulted me because mom always had guy friends over but none of them would spend the night unless we weren’t home and they were to drunk to drive themselves. All the guy friends my mom had over were my uncles or some sort of relative that we consirded family because they had known all of us in diapers and I knew it wasn’t them because of the touch the smell of that a certain person. Living with him I had learned his ways and his smells I replied.
The attorney had said that was all, and my attorney stood up and said okay Ashley I know this is hard for you but could you describe one specific night for me please you can take your time. My heart stopped and I cried and I took a deep breathe and I had asked which night I had asked. She looked at me and showed me my journal entry I had written. I looked at it and said my mom would have us sleep downstairs in the dinning room because in the winter months the upstairs couldn’t hold any heat. I want to say it was the third week we slept downstairs and it became hard from him to sexually assault me because we were downstairs and mom would have to walk through the dinning room to get to the bathroom or the kitchen and so he would wait to get late around 2 am I would want to say. I paused for a minute with tears rolled down my eyes and I had continued and that’s when he stuck his genitals in my mouth and had gone in my mouth. He had whispered to me that he was sorry and he walked away. I got up when I knew he was in his bedroom with mom and I ran to the bathroom and spit it out and brushed my teeth and changed my clothes. I quickly put them in the washer and when I got up for school I turned the washer on. Can I stop now I had asked. She said yes that is all. The judge said I could leave the stand. I quickly got off the stand and ran to my grandmother and just cried as she and my aunt helped me out of the court room. They had called witnesses to the stand and asked the questions as I stood outside of the court room. It took the jury 2 hours to come with a verdict.
During that time KC whom was another attorney of my looked at me and said you did good and he hugged me and said its almost over and I promise after this you will not have to answer anymore questions nor would you have to see him again.
We came back from lunch and the court resumed and the judge said before I read the verdict is there anything that you would like to say to him looking directly at me.
I stood up and walked toward the stand and took a deep breath and read the letter I had wrote him.
And it had read,

I trusted you and thought of you as my father figure, when you came into the house the first time I wasn’t so sure I could trust you or if you are only going to be living with us for a few days until you got everything straighten out. But the few weeks went by and I noticed you are still there. You started helping my mother with us kids and you attended a lot of school activities. You would helped me with my homework spend time with me as a father should, but in reality you weren’t my biological father but you stepped up and loved me as your own, that I thought. You had gained my trust my respect and love, and now because of you I don’t know if I can trust another male I don’t know if I could be that little girl again because I know that I am different because something that I didn’t want to happen happened. Coming to find out that you gained my trust my respect and my love to only take advantage of me hurts. I feel so used and I am going to feel that all men are the same. I have no childhood left because the memories that go through my mind. I can never forgive you for what you have done, T when my mom confronted you about it you denied it and it hurt more because I had a moment where I thought my mom wouldn’t believe me because she had so much love you. I can’t and probably won’t understand why you took advantage of me. After today I hope and I pray this will be the last I see you and the last I hear of your name and speak to you. I have nothing further to say.
I had stepped down with tears rolling down my face and walked over to my attorney and the judge read the verdict and he had read.
T R you are found guilty in the second degree of criminal sexually conduct with a minor, you are to spend two years in prison and when you get out you are to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life.
I was relieved but I felt as if he should have gotten more time but at least he got something. During the process of court another victim had came in to report T but her mother wouldn’t let her proceed to prosecute him. I looked at my mom and had asked why wouldn’t she let her daughter press charges she said because those are the types that only care for men and don’t want to be a mom. So until this day, I believe I had voiced for her because she never got the choice to. I could only think of how she is dealing with her issues because she never really had a closure. She never really got to tell him how she felt. He basically got away with it with her but not with me and so I voiced for her I believe. I don’t know her name all I knew she lived in coldwater and I would like to meet her one day and tell her that I am sorry and tell her she isn’t alone.
After the courts were all over and I had no more court dates, I hated the house we lived in because it held memories that I wished that I wouldn’t remember so I was still had an excuse for not being home.
After that it was put in the newspaper and in my life everyone knew everyone. My family and I were well known in coldwater. So each time we went to coldwater I felt as if we were getting starred at and getting rude looks. We had gone food shopping one day and we had bumped into T’s grandmother and she had given us this rude look and looked at my mom and said your girls are lying my grandson didn’t do what they said. My mom walked out leaving the groceries behind that we hadn’t paid for. We had gone shopping at walmart after that. But I felt as if we were still getting rude looks from everyone. Once in awhile we would have people stop and talk to mom and tell her they were sorry that we had to experience it. I guess what was the major issue after the whole court was people asking questions at school and it didn’t matter how much I tried to ignore it they would still be asked. It felt like I was began to get bullied because I was still wearing boys clothes. People would make fun of the way I looked because I felt safe in boys clothes. I started hanging out with my brother and his friends and eventually started to date some of them or should I say one of them. It was a bit awkward after experiencing what I had experience. But we didn’t really do much but just spend time with one another. It was never easy but after him and I broke up I stood single for awhile.
A few more months went by and the look feeling went away but memories still stood. I began to stay up late laying my bed waiting to fall asleep. I still kept a journal which the counselor had told me was a good thing. Mom had to take us to consoling for two years but we only stood for a year. I had wished we would have stayed for the extra year because I am still struggling with some issues and right now its hard to find a counselor and having kids of my own its hard to find some self time to go see one. But as you read I will tell you what feelings I had when I found out when I was pregnant with my first child.
But anyway after awhile Mom had gotten rid of the beds that we had when T was around and she let us sleep in the living room if we wanted to when it was winter and the upstairs was to cold to sleep in. But it still didn’t make any difference because I still had those memories. I had wished I could have some type of memory loss to forget them but I didn’t and still haven’t and probably won’t like I said in the beginning it never goes away. Something I have to cope with for the rest of my life or if I get old and lose my memory which will probably will happen because it runs through my family on both sides.
For my biological for father he never showed and he never said he was sorry that he wasn’t there. I am the only was that has any contact with him because the others just choose not to talk to him. Before my dad left when I was little, I was a major daddy’s girl just wanted to be with my dad. When he left I was hurt and that’s all I wanted after that was a father figure or my father. So I had gain attachment to maybe one person my mom had been with. My biological father until this day don’t speak about what happened, he doesn’t acknowledge that I was sexually assaulted when I was younger. Which to me, it feels good because to me with him not acknowledging what had happened I feel normal. I feel as if I had a normal childhood and nothing bad happened. But I know at the end of the day I didn’t have a normal childhood.
Mom didn’t wait as long as the courts and child protective services said to wait for another male to move into the home. She had moved another male in a couple weeks after the courts were over. But the thing was the courts and child protective services didn’t know because mom told him he can’t put anything in his name to have it mailed to our address. He was tall black and very weird, quiet I didn’t pay him any mind barely spoke to him. Mom told him what happened because he had asked why I wasn’t speaking to him like the rest. That same day she had explained to him what happened I was in the kitchen doing my homework and he sat down across from me and looked at me. I looked at him and he said is there anything I can help you with. I know I am not good at math but I am good at the rest. I said no, I am okay Thanks. He smiled and he said your mom told me what happened to you. I said yeah, why don’t she tell the world that I am a girl that has been touched. He said no I had asked why you weren’t speaking to me and always avoiding me you aren’t like the rest, where the rest of the kids talk to me enjoy hanging with me but you just avoid me any chance you get. I looked at him and said because I don’t trust men and I don’t trust boys. You hang out with boys all the time with your brother. Doesn’t mean I trust them I said and besides they are the ones who we hung out with before everything happened but still don’t mean I trust them. Okay, okay he said, I am here and I will never harm you he said. That’s what the last one said and he did I replied. Well, Ash he replied not every guy is like that. I know its hard to believe for what you have been through but trust me you will be okay again. You will be dealing with issues but you will be okay you will find that one male that you can trust. He just got up and walked away.
After awhile he and mom ended their relationship and I never understood why. But to me it didn’t matter she shouldn’t have moved another male in so soon. She was off and on with him. Until after a year he got married to his baby momma and mom went on to this guy name M a male that I knew since I was in diapers. He was okay but I still avoided him a lot I listened to him when he watched us cause mom thought we needed a babysitter still. After awhile my mom and him broke it off and mom sent us to our grandmothers to be watched. My older two siblings got to stay at home if they wished. My brother barely ever came to my grandparents house during the week and the weekend.

The weeks and months went on and a year later our landlord whom had helped us so much had passed away. The wife said we could stay but if anything had broken we would have to fix cause with the landlords passing and things in the economy going down hill she couldn’t afford it and mom wasn’t taking any chances of having something break in the house so we had moved back to coldwater. We had lived in Quincy for 8 years, I was relieved but then sad because after the T thing happened I made new friends but one of them we had gained a best friend relationship and so my new chapter of my life began but it would be the most hardship that I had no idea what would happen.

Chapter 2

The Big Move

We had moved right behind big boy a resturaunt where my mom worked while living in Qunicy and while moving to Quincy. It was hard because before I knew there was already a rumor going around about me in coldwater high school where I would attend. That rumor was that I was pregnant with some guys child started by a female that was in the middle school of coldwater and whom I did not know. The first day of school my grandmother had passed away because before we moved to Coldwater she was battling lung cancer. I was the only one that went to school that day because I just needed to clear my mind because it was only 2 years after the T thing happened and I was still going through some issues. Going to that school by myself for the first time mom had called the school and let them know what had happened and said if she wants to come home have her call me and I will pick her up. During lunch a consoler came by and said Ashley if you need someone to talk to you can come down to the office. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone that day. The passing of my grandmother whom had been with me every step of the way when the T thing happened had passed away. I lost the only person that I knew I could talk to about it and she would just listen and understand. My mom never really listened to me or talked about it cause I would never bring it up with her cause in a way I feel as if she blamed herself and at one point of time I blamed her because she should have known but after awhile I stopped because she didn’t know. That day was stupid hard, cause I didn’t know anyone and the whole day I kept to myself. The first semester went by fast and I had passed all my classes and got out of special ed English. Gym became the only thing I could take my aggression out on but one day I didn’t bring any gym clothes so I sat on the benches. That day I had met the guy that I was supposedly to be pregnant by. He walked up to me and said hey and he told me his name and I said oh so you are the one that got me pregnant huh with a giggle. He looked at me and said you must be the girl that I got knocked up. He looked at the gym teacher and said I am sitting out this girl looks like she needs a friend. The teacher told him be easy on me cause I had lost my grandmother. I looked at him and said I am Ashley by the way. Nice to meet you he had replied and I am sorry about your grandmother. Thanks I had replied. I was 16 at the time, and I was still going through some issues and didn’t really want to talk to anyone. But him I was okay with and that’s when I noticed something changed and it wasn’t a good thing. He asked me if I knew the girl who started that rumor. I had replied one of my best friends friends J C. I don’t know her but I would like to tell her a few words. Oh her he replied, you know her I had asked. Yeah he said. She has been wanting to get with my brother for years and I told her off one day and she hasn’t liked me ever since. What did you do to her for her not to like you he asked me. Nothing I had replied I don’t even know her. I should tell you I don’t trust guys for the things that has happened to me back in 06. I know he said I knew T and I am sorry he did that. How did you know it was me I had asked. I don’t but you mentioned and put two and two together he replied. Then why sit here and talk to me I had asked. Because at the time I was still uncomfortable with myself and thought I have been touched you defiantly don’t want to be talking to me. There were other girls there he could have been talking to. S goes to this school he said she is T’s cousin and I said I know I see her in the halls. She always gives me this evil look like she is going to kill me. She would be doing me a favor I said. He just looked at me and said why would you want to die. I said because I am never going to have a boyfriend after they find out I have been touched. I am never going to have a husband and kids I am going to be alone for the rest of my life I had said. What’s the joy of that I said. Well nothing he said but you don’t know that you could find that one person. Yeah, mmk. He had given me his number and said text me or call me sometime. I said k. Gym class was over and I walked to my next class and I had an encounter with S and she looked at me and said you know my cousin didn’t do it. I looked at her and said I have nothing to say to you. Why she said cause you know it didn’t happen. No I said because I have had enough with people whom harass me. So if you excuse me I am going to my next class and pretend that this never happened. We had a restraining order on his whole family. We were allowed to go to school but couldn’t have any contact with one another but she didn’t care she still continued to harass me. I walked by her and she pushed me and I had fell and dropped my books. She looked at me and said because of you I can’t see him nor can I talk to him. Because of you our family had been separated and now I have no family left. I stood up and picked up my books and walked away. She had yelled down the hall and said you know he didn’t do it. I walked into math class where I met a girl that would soon introduce me to gymnastics. Hey she said hey I replied. I am C, nice to meet you I am Ashley. What was that all about she had asked. Oh some girl that I had accidently bumped into she has some major issues. I had lied because I don’t want anyone to know if they didn’t know.
After math class C said after school there is a sign up for gymnastics would you want to join. I had done gymnastics back when my grandma harris was alive but that was when I was five so I wasn’t sure. But I had gone anyway and that is when it started my good year for a little bit.
I went home from school and mom said we are moving in with my grandfather which I had no issues because I felt safer there than any place that we had lived. Plus it would be closer to school and I wouldn’t have to get up so early to catch a bus. Plus I hated the trailer we lived in. I told mom the reason why I was late and walked home and she thought that was a good idea to get back into sports so I could get my mind off things. I had taken wrestling in Quincy in my eighth grade year did track and volley ball and band so I guess I was a jock my mom would put it. When does gymnastics start she asked. In two months I said. When is practice she asked. Right after school up until five we live right behind where the gymnastics gym is so I won’t be far and sometimes we will practice in the gym at school.
The next week in school I was in gym class and we began to play soccer which I knew I was a beast at the goaly because I played while in elementary school recess except I had bigger ground to cover so it was no issue. We had a lot of Mexicans in my class which was no biggy but when they kicked that ball and it hit my chins oh it hurt so a bad I had iced my shins each time after gym class. Good game the guy I met a few weeks back, thanks I said. He said you never texted me or called me he said. I know I replied. I told you I don’t trust males a whole lot. But ignoring them isn’t nice either he said. I am not ignoring you I giggled I am talking to you right now aren’t I. He said but only during school hours he said with a smile. Well, Mr. guys are a waste of my time after school I said. Oh come on now, don’t be like that he said. Bring your wall down just a little he said. And if I do would it get you off my back. Yea he replied. I will think about it I replied. Hey you two love birds get back into the second game the gym teacher yelled. We are coming I yelled back. Sometimes after school I would just walk to clear my mind to try to erase everything what happened to me when I was 12 and 13 because I wanted to just be normal. I wanted to just be me again. But it wouldn’t work; I had become so angry and so scared of the world and the men that laid in it. I was angry with myself because I let thought it was my fault and that’s when I started to hate myself I hated my body I hated the way I looked. But what could I do to destroy the image that guys seen. How could I hate myself even more where eventually where I couldn’t feel any emotion to anything? I became distant with my siblings and my mom. I became so distant that I didn’t want to exist to anyone anymore.
When I 16 I had willingly gave up what suppose to be a special moment. When I first had sex willingly it was with the guy in gym class and that’s when my addiction had become. There are all sorts of addiction all sorts of bad addictions and some aren’t met to be an addiction but I used this as one. Because to me I was lost and just wanted to see how a male is suppose to love a women and I thought that was the way. So I used myself to get those attentions from guys whom ever would take it. I was reckless with it. But I didn’t know an emotion would stay. It ran my life and I would still do my normal activities but I still had that urge. So trying to become more attractive to men I started wearing tight clothing and make up. It would sometimes work and I used a lot because it got the attention of a lot guys. But the attention that I now know is not the kind of attention a female should just be getting but at the time I didn’t know that because of all the hurt and the fear I just wanted it to be blocked away and sex was the way I could block it. I had taken sex ed in school and knowing the consequences I just ignored it because I had sex before and never had any issues even unprotected.
I started hanging out with a new found friend that I didn’t know that I had met before in a teen dance club called Blingerz at that time. I also didn’t know she would influence me into doing some things I usually don’t do and would be scared to do. I went to parties with her and drank a lot and did things that I do not remember but being told because I was so intoxicated I would block things out and through out all this I was still be able to continue gymnastics and schooling. Having a boyfriend was just a score for me at the time because if I couldn’t find a male that would cave in I could always go to him and when I did find a male that caved in I didn’t care whether I was hurting my boyfriend at the time. I am not proud for my actions I had did in the past and until this day I had wished I could re do it but I can’t I can only hope he has forgiven me. Wearing tight clothes was a must for me and if I didn’t have those tight clothing I would have a panic attack. So at the age of 16 I had become a sex addict, something I now wish I didn’t become because after math it would have many, many consequences when I just wanted to spend my life with just one person. Over the months it became worse, my family broke apart and I had been diagnosed with Epilepsy at the age of 17. Sex to me was like heroin if I didn’t have it I was angry and would snap out at anyone even those who mattered to me.
But I wouldn’t just have sex with anyone they had to be someone I knew for a few months or years. I became the whore in my town, but I didn’t see it that way because I didn’t care at all. With having epilepsy I had dropped out of gymnastics and school and just focused on working. I had so many issues and I had no one to take it out on but myself and so I did. I abused myself and I ruined the self esteem that I had worked back up from the T thing. But it didn’t matter because I felt as if I was a no one. It took extremes where I eventually lost contact with my best friend in Quincy and my best friend in Coldwater that I had told first about the T thing. At the age of 18 I met this guy at a friends house and still seeing the person had been seeing for 4 years. I broke it off with him and started seeing the person I met at a friends house. My friend tried to warn me about him but I didn’t listen because I didn’t care. But with him I never did anything wrong to him but cover a lot of things up which in later in the relationship he would find out and become very upset but you will learn about that part of my life later on in reading my story. It was like he was my sign that I needed to change my ways and become a better person. So for three years off and on we were together. At the age of 19 I had moved to Florida met this guy that had helped me and my mom to keep a hotel over our heads. I couldn’t be more thankful that he had helped us. I had left Florida and back to the guy I was seeing before I had left. Later in the months after coming back from Florida I learned I was three months pregnant with my daughter. I was scared because I didn’t want to be a mother quite yet because I didn’t finish school and I had no idea how I was suppose to support this child. I had told the guy that I was with that this child I am carrying was his because I was scared and I truly thought she was because I had done the math and her due date matched up. She was born DNA was done and come to find out she wasn’t his and I told him about her biological father and it hurt him and that’s when I knew I had gone back the way I was before I met him. He got angry and that was understandable because I would be to. But he never gave up he was still there up til she was three months old and that’s when he had told me he couldn’t do it anymore. So I balled and I cried cause I was alone and I hated myself even more but the only good news out of it was I finished high school at the age of 20 and had a job to support her. We kept in contact and I learned he had chose to do something that I didn’t know would cause him to harm himself. I had moved to my brothers house in Ohio and I hurt him because I took the only thing that he had hope for but I had no choice I needed to think of my child I needed to think what was best for her and being in coldwater wasn’t the best for her. We still kept in contact but he only got worse. I covered things up because I didn’t want them to see a weak little girl that I was I didn’t want them finding out what happened to me because I told him one day what happened to me in 05 and 06 and he said I probably liked it and that’s the reason why I didn’t do anything about it and it was my fault. So I started to not care for him any more because it brought back so many memories and I hated him for that.
Living with my brother I had scored with a male and it felt like I was good and I was wanted. None of my family knew of my addiction and still don’t because who would want to be related to a sex addict.

Chapter 3
Something is changing but it’s not bad

My brother and I and the rest of the people whom was living with us had moved into a bigger place where everyone had their own rooms. I had gotten a job at kfc so I could support my daughter because before then I had a factory job but I wasn’t able to keep it because it wasn’t in walking distance and my grandpa’s car had broke down. The guy I met through my brother we had still been seeing each other. But months went on and I had broken it off cause one I was working constantly had no time cause my new focus was my daughter and supporting her so I took all the hours I could get. He had a baby momma that I hope they would work things out. But we still became best friends someone I could just talk to and he would understand. Someone that stood up all night just talking to me and giving me advice. At one point I had told him I wanted to go back to coldwater and he heard what happened to me and with the guy I was seeing and he said if I went back he would personally go there and force me in the car and take me back to my brothers. Before I found the kfc job I had met a guy that is now my husband and whom I have a child with. At first I refused to go to the friend’s house because I needed to find a job fast. But him and my brother had said no you need to have some fun and you can still look for a job. My brother pulled me out of my room and had asked a roommate to listen out for my daughter and if she woke up he would come get me. The roommate agreed like he knew what was going on. So there I was in a sparkly hat with my hair straighten in a t-shirt and pants and my running shoes looking like a hippie. I walked into the friends house went to his kitchen and there sat a male that had an orange beard a had and a beer in his hand. My friend had introduced me to him and I had said hi and my name and that I sing in the shower. I hung out for a little bit and went back home. And thought that was a waste. After that night I would see that man everyday across the street and it was weird because he would look over at my house hoping probably to spot me. I eventually added him at a social media accidentally clicking on his profile and I thought hey I met him so I added him. It took me weeks to talk to him but when I did I was getting shot at with bb’s. He had asked me to go bowling with him that night and I had agreed. I would go for walks and a roommate would come with me and I still remember he thought the roommate was my boyfriend and the friend that I had met through my brother had told him no dude, they are just friends they hangout a lot when she is going through a rough time.
Over the months the friend that I met through a friend we had hung out and I enjoyed his company felt safe with him. I felt comfortable with him, we got to know one another and the more I got to know him the more I had let go of my actions from the past, but one thing I didn’t let go of because I didn’t want him to see a hurt girl and a weak one. I had became someone that I didn’t want to be but I didn’t want people to feel bad for what had happened and I didn’t want them to hold it against me. I wouldn’t cover it up just wouldn’t answer some of the questions that he had asked. On Januray 14 2014 we had began dating. He had some issues so he was a way for a while but we kept in contact with letters and sometimes he would call. I had finally opened up to me what happened to me when I was young and I was so scared what he might say. Waiting on weeks to receive a letter and I finally got one from him in the response of the letter I wrote him. I read it and it couldn’t believe what I was reading, he didn’t blame me for another males actions. He told me he was sorry to hear that and also glad that I was willing to tell him. He eventually came to live with me and I felt safe with him but still a little scared so I kept covering things up which I knew was wrong but at the time I didn’t feel as if I was important.
We had gotten our own apartment I went to college before he got out and still attending when he gotten out and he was so supportive and helped me with my daughter. I didn’t think him and my daughter would click so fast but they did and she now calls him dad.
Time went by fast when we moved into our first apartment, he slowly learned of my covering things up after we got married and found out we were pregnant with our son. I felt bad but I was still trying to figure things out and I still was afraid. I had learned of his issues but I didn’t pay any mind until I got further into my pregnancy because my daughter’s biological father had never met her and with me growing up with out my father I didn’t want a repeat so I stuck it out and we fought we moved constantly and things kept on repeating.
I converted into a Mormon and I started to study the bible and the book of Mormon and I was already fighter and wouldn’t give up so it would two peas in a pod. After being with a guy that had issues before I had learned that when they have an addiction all they want to be left alone so they are going to push everyone that they want there when they finally become sober away. So I stuck it out with him I fought as well as coping with my own issues. It was hard and very hurtful but I stuck it out.
I get a lot of questions like why have you stayed with him? My response is because he took me under his wing loved me for me and took a child in as his own. He didn’t throw anything in my face on what happened to me. He treated me like I was a someone and he knew of my issues and he could have left and he could still leave but he chooses not he chooses to stay with me. Not because he has to cause he don’t but cause he wants to. And to see someone fight as hard as I to keep something so amazing as well its mind blowing. Cause most men where I come from walks away when it got hard but he didn’t he stood. He fought as hard as I did during those hard times, it to me was a trial to me it was like punishment because of all the wrong I did to those who was around me. To me it was a test as well cause it was testing my limits my strength it was like god himself was trying to show me there is always a door that will be open and it will be open if you decide not to go through. For me being so hard headed and wanted to accomplish my goals it was definitely a life lesson.
For the longest time before I met my husband I wouldn’t let anyone in I wouldn’t open up to any one because in a way I thought they wouldn’t care. I slowly built a wall that no male other than my husband could knock down. It was very hard to let him in but in some ways I think he forced his way in. With a struggle through out my life he defeated everything that I didn’t want a male to know about me. He forced his way in whether I wanted him to or not. It was like it was his mission to do so but I don’t think he realized it.
Growing up I didn’t think I would have two kids and a husband because of what happened to me and the actions I decided to take after the matter. Some days I feel as if I don’t deserve all these things for all the pain I had caused people in the past. But in some ways god shows his signs telling me I deserve to be happy and I deserve a family. I haven’t healed completely on what had happened to me in those years because it’s a scar that will never go away. Its like its formed a home in my mind, and it will always be there. Growing after the incident I didn’t think I would be a mom a wife and a friend to so many because I chose a lot of things that weren’t important.
You shouldn’t hate yourself for what happened to you when you know it was out of your control. You shouldn’t have blame yourself or others. The only person you should blame is the one that put you through that. They should know about the hardships you went through and how you felt. Cause days goes on for me I feel as if he is living his life like nothing happened. I still struggle with some things and I still have those flashbacks. There are things that I will not do and will not eat because of the issue. I am still learning to control my sex issue, and here lately it had slowed down and I still get angry about the situation on not doing anything for a long period of time but it’s coming together.

My advice for you that is reading this don’t let it ruin your life don’t let it control it because if you do it will make you feel the same way as I did that you had read. I wished I wouldn’t let that control my life and I wish I didn’t disrespect myself so badly cause I now know I am worth more than that. You are beautiful from the inside and out and I know some days you don’t feel that way because some days I don’t but there is always a reminder that you are. I look at my husband and my kids and I know I am beautiful. But you can only help yourself on a lot of things. I hope you see the better side of life as you are going through this hard time. Take control and don’t let it run you and if you know of a child or a female getting abused or even a male please help them and be there every step of the way because at the end of the day all they want is a shoulder to cry and hear someone say its going to be okay and you will be okay. It’s a long fight but once you conquer it you will feel better and stronger and you will change some ways but that’s only the protective instinct coming through and its alright because it’s a natural action after you had gone through what you have. Cause eventually you will let someone go through those walls and you will let them in only when you are ready and comfortable.

This is my story and how I had conquered it and how I am still fighting everyday.



When You're is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.



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