April’s Story

I was 6 years old. I was innocent and a child. That night seemed like every other night. I kissed my parents good night and my mom tucked me in. My brother and cousins were camping out. I laid in my bed trying to fall asleep. I was asleep until I heard someone coming up the stairs thinking it was my brother to go sleep in his room. It wasn’t my brother, or my mom or my dad. It was my 16 year old  cousin. I remember him saying hi as he pushed my hair back. He then started rubbing my back asking me if I wanted him to use his hands or his tongue. I thought he said thumb so I said it and then he started licking me. Licking my back, neck and he may have licked more, but a lot if it is a blur. He whispered, “Don’t  tell anyone about this, it’s between me and you.” I agreed. I want to remember  more but it’s not that easy. He may have done a lot more to me and I don’t know it.  I wanted to tell my mom but I wanted my cousin to leave first so I told her once he left to go back to Florida.  My parents and the rest of my family  were so upset. I felt like everything  was my fault and I blamed myself. My mom told the police but they reported they could not do anything since he went back to Florida.

Ever since then I lost innocence, purity, self-esteem. I struggle with feeling comfortable in my own skin. When my dog gives me kisses it bothers me sometimes because it triggers memories for some reason. I wonder what my life would be like if that didn’t happen. Would I be more confident  and comfortable? I know it could’ve been worse and I feel like I sometimes minimize my situation due to it not being that bad. I now stufffle with trust issues within relationships and my anxiety is through the roof at times. As I struggle though I continue to help others since I’m a therapist and I also write music and songs about the struggles I face everyday.