Anonymous Story: What Happened to Me?

So… I was in a relationship right out of high school with a woman (We’ll call her Kate and by the way, I’m a woman, as well). She cheated on me and things ended badly with me immediately picking up a rebound. Which is a different story entirely.

A little background here.. I had a terrible head injury when I was 16 and it causes me to have memory loss. After a few years… memories get fussy or completely erased… faces and names get completely blurred. Etc. I knew this night happened, but I could only remember a glimpse of it. I thought that we just spent time together…. I was dead fucking wrong. She told me everything out of guilt about it. Told me it was eating away at her.

Kate and I reconnected this year… I thought that was cool. I really liked her. I still like her, I know that probably makes me twisted in the head. I don’t know. I honestly… I don’t know. We were talking and the conversation lead to that night, the last night we spent together. We had recently broken up, feelings were still strong on both sides, it was emotional. And….

It was really late when we got finished talking, in the early hours of the morning. We had lived together before and I had moved out… she, apparently, invited me to stay. So… apparently I did. I don’t remember anything past us talking that night and I don’t remember what was said or anything. I only remember being there, that’s it.

So… she tells me that she molested me.

I’m fucking shocked. I asked her what in the world she was talking about… because I believed it was completely unwarranted. She told me that we laid down… and she was pissed off at me… that she did it to hurt me…

She spooned me. She put her hand down my pants… I grabbed her hand and asked her to stop… I said no… she didn’t. She fingered me and touched me and masturbated while she touched me… Apparently… I was crying and asking her to stop and she didn’t… I’m still in shock about it. I’m 100 percent in shock. Did it really happen? What happened? I’m so scared. What else has happened to me over the years that I don’t remember. I feel sick thinking about it.

She told me that she was so sorry and that she was fucked up in the head and she wishes she hadn’t hurt me. She told me that she was full of guilt for doing that to me and that she knows that she was wrong and she knew that what she was doing was wrong while she was doing it. She cried and threw up telling me about it… how she hurt me and that she lives with it every single day. I’m left feeling… so confused. I’ve tried to remember it, but I can’t. I can not. I feel degraded in a way. I feel like she took something from me even though I don’t remember it. It just fucking sucks… I told her that I wish she had lied. I wish she had so that I didn’t have to think about it… but I also told her that I appreciated her honesty for telling me what happened and that… I would try to look past it.

Kate told me… when she was finished and took her hand away… I got up, still crying, and left with out another word. And we didn’t talk for 6 years after that.

I’m…. just feeling upset because it happened… but I also don’t feel anything because I don’t remember it. Fuck! I’m so mad at myself for losing my memories and I’m disappointed in her for taking something from me that wasn’t hers to take… But I shouldn’t have been there in the first place. We were broken up. I feel guilty for even being there. Why?

I just don’t understand it. If she had kept it to herself… I would have NEVER known. She didn’t know that my head injury caused me to lose my memories and with the way she acted, I knew she wasn’t trying to bring it up to hurt me again. I really feel like she is more affected by it than I am and I feel like… yeah, she fucking deserves it. She completely deserves to hurt that way. I don’t know if she’s talked about it to anyone, but I hope she gets help for herself. I’m sure she felt powerful in the moment, but it’s going to haunt her for the rest of her life and I’m here… just feeling numb about it because I don’t remember any of it. Funny how the universe works sometimes, right?

I don’t know if what happened to me is even considered rape or molestation… I just don’t know. I’m sorry if this isn’t the right place to share my story… just felt like I needed to share it with someone and I don’t want to talk about it with my family. Thanks for your time. – M

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

Related